Desire. Ask. Believe. Receive.

A co-worker from our corporate office just walked by my desk and saw a picture of my daughter. He asked how old she was and when I said "she just turned three" he said "WHAT are you doing here?" Nicely of course, and with a smile, but he was truly incredulous that I'd be spending this amazing time of my daughter's development here at this job.

And now I'm crying again.

My pink cloud puked all over me this week. My motivation is gone. I'm still sober, and happily so, but I'm so unhappy in my job and Suzie is at a really tough spot developmentally. I've been trying to pray even more, and I believe it to be good, but I'm not seeing the immediate rewards that I had been over the last two months. I guess that's a standard personality trait of an addict though, the need for immediate gratification.

I so need out of my job. People ask me what I want to be doing instead and that's the problem--I don't really know! My friend Claire had some great suggestions for me yesterday in the retail sector and I was really excited about them, until I remembered the crazy schedule that often defines retail work; one of the definite positives of my current position is the 8-5 schedule. It's all a trade off I guess. I just know there has to be a job out there for me; one that feeds my soul and makes a positive difference in the world; and one absolutely that doesn't fill me with loathing and make me cry every day on my commute in. Right? I've been praying, not about finding a new job specifically, but about finding peace in what is and also about keeping my eyes and my heart open to seeing the possibilities for new opportunities around me.

It was so bad this morning though that I actually thought "I wish I hadn't made the mistake of starting a family because I'd rather die then go into that terrible place again." I guess I could be thankful that I've got an amazing family to save my life.

Suzie. She loves me to death. This is so sweet. She absolutely cannot get enough of me. She cries when I leave, she stays snuggled on me most of the night. I do love being so connected to her. The tough part is that she actively dislikes pretty much everyone else. If anyone else looks at her to talks to her or touches her while I'm around she will fly into hysterics. My mood was so fragile that when she climbed into my bed at 5 this morning and her dad tried to help her into her place and she went into a rage, I completely lost it and cried for an hour--while she slept peacefully. :(

But, and this is a big one, I am still sober. And honestly not even really thinking about drinking. I mean, it has occurred to me, but not so much as a way to relieve the stress, more as a way of revenge (against WHO???) or perhaps even a way of killing myself. Which I know I don't want to do. I just hate my job so much. My husband has such an amazing work ethic. He hates his job as much as I do, but for him quitting is not an option; we've got a mortgage and Montessori fees to pay. I know he's right. Our home and Suzie's education are so important. But what about our mental health--where does that fit in? How is it ok that I actually want to end my life (which I'd never do, ok? Don't worry anybody, please, I'm not actually going to DO it, it's just words to describe how absolutely miserable I am...) just so that I don't have to go to my job anymore?

I just feel so taken advantage of. I've found this at every job I've ever worked at. They always start out so well you know? I'm meeting new people and learning new things, but then always, right around the one year mark, they start putting more and more responsibility on you; which is OK, to a point. I'm so frustrated now; I'm effectivly doing the work of two people, my boss has been given other projects (and is working 10 hour days himself) which leaves me to do essentially all the purchasing, all the accounts payable, and 75% of the meeting and negotiating with vendors, as well as filling in at the receptionist desk (because her position was cut), and doing a twice weekly physical inventory, AND coming for three hours one Saturday a month to key the plant inventory. All for the same amount of money--which was low to freaking begin with!!! How much can I take? My boss is telling me to steady myself for more but I'm already so in the weeds. I'm really at the end of my rope. I'm so fragile and emotional right now that I feel like I'm gonna either walk or cry if anybody so much as looks at me. Not a strong place to be.

Something has to change.

LONG GREEN IMPROVED CUCUMBER
BABY OAKLEAF LETTUCE
GARDEN HUCKLEBERRY
BLACK HUNGARIAN PEPPER,
BURAN PEPPER,
CALIFORNIA WONDER PEPPER,
BLOOMSDALE LONG STANDING SPINACH
BANANA LEGS TOMATO
BLACK PLUM TOMATO
CHERRY ROMA TOMATO
BASIL, GENOVESE, BASIL, SWEET
LAVENDER, ENGLISH
OREGANO, GREEK
PEPPERMINT
ROSEMARY
SAGE
THYME, ENGLISH

Coolness, yes? And even better, they're all heirloom and not at all connected to Montsanto. I'm so excited to get started. I haven't had a garden since Suzie was born--my plot has become weed infested and root bound and every time I set out to work it I'd get about 1/8th done and then get discouraged. So two weekends ago I just tore the whole thing out. I'll let it turn back into lawn and put a garden somewhere else. My perfectionism has stymied me for too damn long--I'm so excited for a fresh start.

So this year it's all about containers. A ton of them. They seem much less overwhelming to me and I'm all about finding comfort in gardening, not beating myself down. Maybe next year I'll get into the square-foot gardening thing, or something bigger, but for this year I'll have an amazing salad garden and rosemary shrubs for my cats to walk through and keep my house smelling amazing.

I just hadn't posted in a while and felt like I should update. I've been...contemplative (?)...lately. I don't know, just thinking a lot; about the world and my place in it. Nothing really definitive, just lots of singular thoughts.

I went out to dinner with my mom's night out group on Saturday. It was nice. A little boring. But nice. One of them is really into politics. Really into them. That's totally cool. For her. She's soooo smart and articulate and learned about them. I'm not so much into politics. I get them. More then superficially even, but I'm definitely not passionate about them. Sometimes I worry that this is a bad thing. I know that people that are passionate about them would think this is a bad thing. I'm grateful that there are such passionate people out there to fuel the debate and create change. I am not one of those people.

My daughter will be starting preschool next fall. I had an inkling to check out the webpage of one of the school's I'm considering today and surprisingly found that registration starts tomorrow and there's an open house in the evening. Perfect timing! How beautiful is that? She's unhappy at her current daycare. Not actively unhappy, but maybe just bored? If she's potty trained by summer she can start at the new school in July. That would be a good thing. Maybe she's like me. Maybe she gets bored when she's in the same situation with the same people for too long.

I've been praying about being relieved of my obsessive nature towards men. I think it's working. I have no crush currently and haven't in about a week. It's...interesting. Good, but odd and interesting. I'd been wanting to spend my energy on something more positive and productive; I think I've been doing that by coming up with new projects (making paper chains, rolling out sugar cookies and frosting them with paintbrushes, tearing apart the old garden, etc.) to do with Suzie every night after work. It's been amazing. I feel like she and I are even closer and my house is actually in better shape then when we didn't have a project to focus on. I'm thinking it's one of those "if you want a job done then delegate it to a busy person" kind of things.

Speaking of the garden, I'm so glad the old root bound plot of land is in the process of being torn apart. It was such a ridiculous space, on the south side of the house but bumped up against the neighboring lot which is a veritable jungle of brambles and overgrowth blocking out the sun. Containers are going to be much more manageable this year. I'm really looking forward to planting them. Suzie's gonna have a blast helping out too.

Ok, I think I'm done. :)

About anything? And everything? It's so draining to hear the constant barrage of complaints from coworkers and friends and family. It amazes me that I've spent so much of my life caught up in it. Now that I'm not interested in complaining anymore it's shocking to realize how much time is spent doing it. People seem to have trouble relating to me now that I don't, it's like they don't know what to say to me anymore. I hear it everywhere and I'm trying so hard to tune it out; I don't want to get caught up in it, nor do I want to judge or criticize the people I hear doing it. I just wish they could understand how much happier they could be if they weren't complaining about their lives all the time--it's such a sure fire way to bring yourself down!

I've just been on such a high myself for the past two weeks that I've been immune to it I guess. It's only now, that I'm coming down just a bit that I'm hearing it so much and feeling the effects of the negativity physically. I'm just so not interested in going there...

That's my new mantra.

Also, today I'm in love with bananas.

It was our free weekend (Suzie spent her's at the ocean with my parents) and we spent it doing our taxes and getting our house in order. It was soooo nice to get things taken care of. Also, I had two killer workouts (my abs are absolutely on fire this morning) and went to a great women's meeting. John had some stressed out minutes when it became clear that we were going to owe a couple grand to the IRS but honestly the REASON that we're in the situation we're in comes from a place of being so incredibly fortunate that I can hardly complain. Plus, we've got the knowelege and finances to get ourselves out of it, so really, while of course I'd like to keep that money in my own pocket, I'm definitely not seeing the big negative, you know?

Um...what else...I don't know, I've got no drama to speak of so what's a girl to write about? I feel great; I'm thankful everyday for my sobriety. I can't believe how amazing my life has become since I quit drinking. That's not to say I don't get twinges of wanting it now and again--just yesterday while walking through the wine isle I heard a little voice way back in my brain saying something along the lines of "poor me, I love wine and it's soooo not fair that I can't have it anymore" but it only took about 2 seconds for me to completely squash that voice. It's not that I CAN'T have it, it's not like someone is holding a gun to my head and not letting me drink; it's that I've renounced it; that I don't WANT it. It's poison and it was ruining my life and John's life and Suzie's life.

God, and the clarity. It's so amazing to see the world and my life for what it really is. It's so amazing to not have hangovers. It's so amazing to not snap at Suzie and argue with John. And it's such a relief to never get behind the wheel and worry about getting a DUI; because honestly any guilt I felt the next morning about driving while intoxicated was nothing compared to my selfish worry of getting a DUI. It's amazing to have my eyes opened.

Suzie woke up from our V-Day celebration with a 102 degree fever. I've got pre-symptoms as well. Lame. I don't want her to be sick and I don't want me to be sick. Its funny though, as much as I want to drop into "poor me" mode I'm still really happy today. I'm pretty much just totally in love with my life. I'm thinking that's a good thing.

I am still fighting the urge to continue escalating my entirely innapropriate relationship with my CD counselor--I mean, I know the law "frowns on it" but it's not like he's a "real" counselor or anything. :) And you DO know that I'm completely tounge in cheek when I say that, right? But god damn, he's just adorable. And I'm a bad, bad, bad person. :) (And also really into emoticons).

I went to a meeting last weekend with an old friend who's fairly recently fallen off the wagon. It was good. It was great to talk to him on a real level, not at a party, not at a show, about real life and issues important to our life and our sobriety. He was surprised that not only wasn't I going to the agnostics meetings but that I was actually going to meetings in a church. He told me that he'd been wondering how I'd been dealing with the "God issue" that is at the heart of AA. I told him I'd given up, like so many people before me, "my way" was not working. I was not staying sober. I couldn't do it. So I decided "what the hell, I'm just going to pray. It can't hurt, right?" And when it felt weird I just pushed through it. I told myself, if I can't pray for real, then I'll pretend to pray. If I can't surrender for real then I'll pretend to surrender. And I guess it worked.

I feel like a different person than I was two months ago. I'm calmer, much more serene, I'm much less self-concious and always afraid of saying the wrong thing. I feel more graceful and more comfortable just being in the world. I'm more generous and gentler with other people. I'm not nearly as focused on my own ego as I was. I told him "I'm not big into the bible, and I don't know that I ever will be; I'm just really big into God." And that's what feels really "right" right now.

Also, John and I just started watching season one of The West Wing. This show is amazing--I'm in love with it. Suzie, not so much, way too much angry talk for her liking.

Maybe I just needed to acknowledge the grumpiness.

Or maybe it's that my husband and are now chatting online planning out daughter's valentines day celebration. :) We've never been big into the V-Day thing but my 3 year old is soooo excited this year! She's been talking about it for days; silly me, it only occured to me this morning that maybe I should expand my "we don't really do V-day" to include her ideas...So, she's really into cutting and pasting these days, ususally she's cutting and pasting on the kitchen floor while I'm cooking and cleaning and John is doing taxes or finance stuff; the plan for Thursday is for all of us to cut and paste together, with some cool new red paper and lace--no cleaning or playing on the computer allowed! Then we'll have a cake picnic on the living room floor with this yummy strawberry angel cake recipe from J's grandmother.

So I'm happy. Life is good. I have no idea why I was down. I prayed for it to change. It did.

I've been crabby all day. And also I'm a bitch.

Good Grief! WTF is my problem? I'm happy god damnit!! I've got a good life and things are going well!!! I have no right to just wake up on the wrong side of the bed and be a bitch.

God, Grant me the serenity to calm the fuck down.

I am a menace. A danger to myself and others. :) In the best possible way, of course.

It's almost overwhelming. I feel scared--I'm afraid I feel too good, like a crash is inevitable. Wow, though, I don't know if I've ever felt this happy. This honestly, full-of-love, happy. My heart feels clean and I feel so at peace. I feel like I'm not hiding anything from anyone and full of compassion for everyone. I am so seriously in love. With everything.

Is that OK? I mean really.

Tom Petty at halftime AND I won $400 betting $10 against the beloved Patriots? Could the superbowl have BEEN any better?

:)