Desire. Ask. Believe. Receive.

Like not euphoric and bouncing off the walls but just generally good spirited and really...greatful for how well things are going? It's odd, it feels a little like when I was pregnant and I was so happy to be pregnant that I even kind of oddly enjoyed the less pleasant aspects of pregnancy like getting fat and peeing all the time and not sleeping very well. Yeah, it's alot like like; except that I'm not pregnant, I'm just really happy to be...just to be I guess.

Sobriety, especially after so long of being wasted all the time, feels so amazing. My mood swings are gone, I'm not "flat" I'm just...level...in a really good way. I can't believe how much more I'm getting accomplished at home; how much more I'm reading; how much cleaner my house is; how much more fun Suzie and I are having.

Plus, I'm just really grateful for all that I have right now. For all my bitching about work it's really not that bad, you know? I mean, sure, it's not doing a thing for my spiritual well being, but it does pay me a really decent wage to do very little work in an environment that's fairly supportive and that I have a few pretty good friends in. I've got a gorgous house with a beautiful view and huge safe yard for my amazing toddler to run in. I've got a lake to swim in. I've got a loving, supportive husband who works so hard to take care of us all. We've all got our health and our intellect. And as icing on the cake we've really got enough money to do pretty much anything we want as long as we make wise decisions.

Where's the bad in that?

What the fuck am I complaining about all the time?

A month ago I decided to start praying--a lot--just kind of as an experiment. I'm thinking it kind of worked. I mean, nothing has really changed. Everything is really the same as it was a month ago except for the fact that I've got one month more of sobriety under my belt--BUT my perception of it all has changed. I don't have a crappy marriage; I have a fantastic marriage. I don't have a demanding daughter; I have an incredible daughter. I don't have the worst job in the world. I'm not poor. I don't need to move to a better neighborhood.

So what does that mean? As I type it, the cynic in me is screaming "well if nothing's really changed then you're just delusional" but I know that's wrong. The truth is that I was delusional before; when nothing was good enough and I was running myself into the ground trying to fix it anyway; and when I couldn't fix it I'd drink some more to avoid it.

Today I wish I could be a home; curled up on the couch, reading and watching Curious George with Suzie. And also with hot chocolate. It's snowy and cold and this job is not feeding my soul. In fact, it's suffocating it.

I really want to be knocked up right now.

So, about 2 1/2 months ago I started cycling pretty rapidly downhill. I was mood swingy like crazy, I was spending tons of money on clothes and makeup and drinks; I was really screwing up at work; getting "tipsy" nearly everyday at lunch and then going back in and doing fun stuff like making huge accounting errors, flirting with my boss, and sending really, really, extremely inappropriate emails to the work boyfriend; fighting with John all the time; acting really short tempered with Suzie; drinking at least a bottle of wine a night; passing out a lot; needing sleeping pills because I was waking up in the night with insomnia; waking up so tired and hungover nearly every morning that I completely gave up exercising and instead was drinking 5 cups of coffee before lunch when I could start the whole thing over again.

So obviously I was having a problem with alcohol, right? Not in my mind. In my mind I was clearly bi-polar/rapid cycling and needed medication. So I went to my doctor to talk it over. I wasn't sure what would happen, I mean, was she just going to send me away with a script for lithium? I just had no idea how these things worked. I talked with her for about 1/2 an hour; we went over my history, my current life stresses, and of course the drinking thing came up.

Its funny, I've kind of floated in and out of denial about my drinking for the past of 14 years. The first time I remember looking in the mirror and actually saying "I have a drinking problem and I need help" I was 20. Since then I've been drinking essentially Over the years I've tried to quit or cut back now and again, but I don't know how many of you have tried to quit before, um, it's really fucking hard. Like impossible hard. I've come to find out that's kind of a statistically true thing as well.

So, the doctor puts down her pen, looked at me long and gently, very nicely and gently says " you know, sometimes getting drunk and sobering up two or three times a day can look a lot like rapid cycling." She told me that the best prescription she could offer me was rehab and that once I'd been sober for a while, if the mood swings and other behaviors were still troublesome, we could talk further.

She must have just caught me at the right time. I called the local hospital's Chemical Dependency Center that afternoon and scheduled an appointment for an intake assessment the next day. I guess I was still riding that denial wave a bit because I was shocked when the woman doing the assessment was debating between Intensive Outpatient and actual inpatient, 28 days, alcohol treatment. Despite all the troubles I'd had in the past with trying to quit, I really still though that once a week outpatient for a month or so would take care of the problem for me!

Not so much. So that's that. That's how I got into rehab. I'll write more later about how it's actually been. Especially in coming from a background in therapy and mental health but right now I've got to clean a little and make dinner. Which is really cool, cause two months ago I would have been well on my way to wasted by now.

Also--Sarah--please send me an email! I can't seem to find your current address!!

I am no officially the senior-most member of my rehab group. That is so wild to me. I'm the person now that the counselor points out to the rest of the group as one to look at in terms of how far I've come. Amazing. And super cool.

I'm feeling really positive about where I am with this whole sobriety thing. The cravings are all but gone, and when they do come I feel strong in my ability to ride them out and not give in. I've always got to be careful, I always need to be on guard; but it's different now, something in me has shifted. No matter how hard my husband or my boss or the universe might be pushing me to drink (which they're not by the way, it's all me) I've got to stand strong and not give in. I've got to think it through, I've got to call my sponser, I've got to work out, I've got to write, I've got to not drink. It's not an option anymore.

My MIL is really wanting to talk to me about my experience. She's a chronic alchoholic and it feels like she's hoping I'll be able to pass on that one little nugget of education/information that she's been missing in her search for sobriety. There's no little pill of info though. My sobriety came from going to classes three times a week; it's being accountable to a counselor and to a group of people; it's reaching way outside my comfort zone to do really hard work; it's going to AA; it's reading; it's all that and even more I think. And if she wants what I've gotten from rehab she's got to go there herself. Hell yeah it's scary--do people think I wasn't scared walking myself in there?

One reason (out of a gazillion) why my husband rocks:

We were writing up a budget this weekend (ok, less than rockin, but...) when we got to the line item for salon services and I started running the list of all the things I do to keep myself looking as fly as I generally do, he didn't once ask or insist or hint that I might need to cut something out or cut back or knock it off entirely. His response? "$120 a month? Ok."

:)

For the record that $120 goes a really long way. Manis, pedis, waxing, hair color, brazillians, and the occasional massage; I'd say it's a bargain really.

So.....craziness....Um, where to start. I'm just gonna dive in; maybe I'll come back and edit later. So as of today I'd say I'm about 3/4 of the way through a 3 times a week for 10 weeks intensive outpatient rehab program. Yep, I've gotten really really good at letting everyone in the vicinity know that "I'm Jane, and I'm an alcoholic". I've met a ton of people, I've got a great counselor (and a couple of not so great counselors), I've been to 4 meetings, I have a sponsor, and, maybe the biggest change, I'm praying all the freaking time.

I started this yesterday and stopped because I felt really overwhelmed at the thought of typing out the entire process; where I started, where I am now, blah blah blah. Let's just suffice it to say, for now, that I haven't had a drink since 12/18 and before that it had been since 11/22. Before that it had been since 11/21 and before that 11/20, ad infinitum since about my 18th birthday, give or take a day or two when I had the flu and/or was pregnant.

So yeah, not drinking, for me, is a really big scary thing. Though amazingly less so after nearly two months sober. I feel REALLY really good. Like, I'm getting more sleep, I've been able to cut out the sleeping pills which makes me able to wake up on time to work out in the mornings before work, I've lost about 10 pounds without even really trying, and absolutely most importantly I'm oh so much more patient with Suzie and John.

Sure, there have definitely been problems and this has absolutely NOT been easy, BUT it has been sooooo worth it. Honestly for Suzie's sake alone it's been worth it. I've had to really take a close look at a lot (read: most) of my preconceptions about myself and my life but it's not like that such a bad thing. I mean, I'm a Buddhist for god's sake, that should be the cornerstone of my spiritual practice anyway, right?

So that's me. Not drinking. Not sleeping around (much, or at least differently than I used to), working out, not yelling at my daughter, not starting fights with my husband, not passing out every night. These are good things.

One not so good thing--having a wicked crush on my counselor. How completely inappropriate, right? But for all of you that know me in real life, come on, how could I not? He's young, he's cute, he's smart, he's funny, hello--he's MALE...but I know better. And I'm not acting on it at all. At least until the two year waiting period is up. :) And those waiting periods are good! I'm sure I'll be completely over him and onto someone else by then; or maybe, could even have possibly kicked my sex addiction by then. And that would be so cool. For real.

OK, again, I'll try to be better with the updates.