Tuesday, December 12, 2006
???
I am so seriously dissatisfied with my life right now. How does one even go about fixing that? How do you correct mistakes you made 10 and 15 years ago? I'm too old to start over. I have a family to support and not enough hours in the day.
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Make a list of the things you are dissatisfied with - order them in magnitude, starting with the smallest, up to the largest. Look at those smallest things, and think of what similarly small thing would fix or alleviate it. while working on these small things, you will acquire more knowledge of what needs to be done to help with some of the larger things. If you run into barriers that prevent you from completing the list - find out what these are. Are they personal/emotional, logistic, or financial? Never worry about asking for help, just be very careful who you ask....
Stopping by to say hi, I haven't been around much due to internet issue, although I am now back online with cable modem (yea) I don't know how to go about fixing dissatisfaction, it is something I struggle with too. The only thing that has helped for me at all is to sometimes jsut do something becuase I want to do it even though it seems illogical to me. Take care *hugs*
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An update.
I'm not really feeling driven to write right now; I'm actually at work with quite a bit to do, but after last week's desolation I felt I should at least do a quick weekend recap.
Things are feeling more hopeful, a weekend of rest will do that I guess. Also, John's mom didn't end up coming to stay with us, which was very helpful. So I guess I hadn't really written the backstory, which is that she was diagnosed with very early-stage cervical cancer about a month back. Since she's an older woman with an at-risk lifestyle, the doctors decided to just do a radical hysterectomy and be done with it. Being a stubborn woman who's often prone to denial, she figured she'd just go home afterwards and "take it easy" for a while. As anyone who's ever had a major surgery in which a large portion of your internal anatomy is removed could attest, it's not quite that easy. So the answer was that she was going to come and stay with us. The problem is that we have a pretty small house and her living quarters were either going to be on our couch or bunking in Suzie's room--neither of which were exciting prospects for any of us.
As stressed and tired and depressed and overworked as I was feeling last week, the thought of caretaking this woman (who is a handful in the best of times) was just about putting me over the edge. John ended up spending Saturday extricating her from the hospital though and by the time they'd made it back down to our neck of the woods had found a much more suitable caretaking arrangement for her. This afforded me a massive sigh of relief.
Plus, it was Suzie's monthly weekend with her grandparents so after a tear-filled Saturday morning I had essentially a full day and half to shop, eat a nice lunch, read, clean the house, and generally start to feel human and appreciated and like I could breathe again. It took me a good 4 hours to kick the depression; I kind of wasted my shopping time at the farmer's market still feeling down, but a good lunch and trips to a few childrens' consignment stores soon lifted my mood. It felt soooo good to not be so mired in desolation for a change.
So that's where things stand now. I'm at work. I'm feeling ok. I got a good kundalini yoga workout on yesterday and feel much less stiff and sore, my house is (rather) decorated for the holidays, my daughter's beautiful and I feel able to appreciate her toddlerish enthusiasm again. I'm just going to try and hang on to the happiness for as long as possible.
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Things are feeling more hopeful, a weekend of rest will do that I guess. Also, John's mom didn't end up coming to stay with us, which was very helpful. So I guess I hadn't really written the backstory, which is that she was diagnosed with very early-stage cervical cancer about a month back. Since she's an older woman with an at-risk lifestyle, the doctors decided to just do a radical hysterectomy and be done with it. Being a stubborn woman who's often prone to denial, she figured she'd just go home afterwards and "take it easy" for a while. As anyone who's ever had a major surgery in which a large portion of your internal anatomy is removed could attest, it's not quite that easy. So the answer was that she was going to come and stay with us. The problem is that we have a pretty small house and her living quarters were either going to be on our couch or bunking in Suzie's room--neither of which were exciting prospects for any of us.
As stressed and tired and depressed and overworked as I was feeling last week, the thought of caretaking this woman (who is a handful in the best of times) was just about putting me over the edge. John ended up spending Saturday extricating her from the hospital though and by the time they'd made it back down to our neck of the woods had found a much more suitable caretaking arrangement for her. This afforded me a massive sigh of relief.
Plus, it was Suzie's monthly weekend with her grandparents so after a tear-filled Saturday morning I had essentially a full day and half to shop, eat a nice lunch, read, clean the house, and generally start to feel human and appreciated and like I could breathe again. It took me a good 4 hours to kick the depression; I kind of wasted my shopping time at the farmer's market still feeling down, but a good lunch and trips to a few childrens' consignment stores soon lifted my mood. It felt soooo good to not be so mired in desolation for a change.
So that's where things stand now. I'm at work. I'm feeling ok. I got a good kundalini yoga workout on yesterday and feel much less stiff and sore, my house is (rather) decorated for the holidays, my daughter's beautiful and I feel able to appreciate her toddlerish enthusiasm again. I'm just going to try and hang on to the happiness for as long as possible.
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Thursday, December 07, 2006
Empty. Empty. Empty.
There is so little of me left and what IS left I hardly recognize any more. I'm pretty much just a caretaking shell. A caretaking shell that cries all the time. My mom was asking me earlier what I'd like for Christmas. I thought for a long time and couldn't come up with anything. I have so few (read: none) interests or hobbies that I have no idea what a nice gift might look like. My first thought was "how about a new something or other for Suzie" my second thought was "oh, the i-pod you're getting for John is enough for both of us" and my second thought was "oh, well I guess a new pair of jeans and a haircut would be nice." cause that's all I can think of.
(the next two paragraphs are from an email I sent to a friend earlier but they sum it all up so well that I'm just going to copy them into blogger)
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(the next two paragraphs are from an email I sent to a friend earlier but they sum it all up so well that I'm just going to copy them into blogger)
I was just talking with my therapist yesterday about how little "me" time I have. I get up when Suzie or the cats ask me to, I give her a bath, make breakfast and lunches for everyone, go to work, run straight home and pick her up, clean the house, make dinner for everyone, nurse her to sleep, and finally take a tylenol PM so I can get 8 un-interupted hours before it all starts again. I put EVERYONE'S needs before mine and I'm so fucking tired of it.
I think I mentioned that my parents take Suzie for one weekend a month so John and I can have some alone time and try to rekindle some kind of relationship that's not just about surviving and raising a child. Every weekend it fills up with everyone else's needs and I still don't get a break. I've given and given and given for so long that everyone has just come to expect it from me and when I don't, I'm a bitch.
John tries to help sometimes too. He tells me that I should leave the house and have some alone time to focus on something I want to do. The problem, again, is that I don't HAVE anything to do. I'm so dysthymic, I'm just flat. I was looking throught the continuing ed courses at Evergreen and SPSCC today, 3/4s of them were of no interest to me and the courses that did look promising I immediately shot down because of fear or shame or some other unrecognized emotion.
I am so stuck.
John tries to help sometimes too. He tells me that I should leave the house and have some alone time to focus on something I want to do. The problem, again, is that I don't HAVE anything to do. I'm so dysthymic, I'm just flat. I was looking throught the continuing ed courses at Evergreen and SPSCC today, 3/4s of them were of no interest to me and the courses that did look promising I immediately shot down because of fear or shame or some other unrecognized emotion.
I am so stuck.
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