Thursday, December 07, 2006
Empty. Empty. Empty.
There is so little of me left and what IS left I hardly recognize any more. I'm pretty much just a caretaking shell. A caretaking shell that cries all the time. My mom was asking me earlier what I'd like for Christmas. I thought for a long time and couldn't come up with anything. I have so few (read: none) interests or hobbies that I have no idea what a nice gift might look like. My first thought was "how about a new something or other for Suzie" my second thought was "oh, the i-pod you're getting for John is enough for both of us" and my second thought was "oh, well I guess a new pair of jeans and a haircut would be nice." cause that's all I can think of.
(the next two paragraphs are from an email I sent to a friend earlier but they sum it all up so well that I'm just going to copy them into blogger)
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(the next two paragraphs are from an email I sent to a friend earlier but they sum it all up so well that I'm just going to copy them into blogger)
I was just talking with my therapist yesterday about how little "me" time I have. I get up when Suzie or the cats ask me to, I give her a bath, make breakfast and lunches for everyone, go to work, run straight home and pick her up, clean the house, make dinner for everyone, nurse her to sleep, and finally take a tylenol PM so I can get 8 un-interupted hours before it all starts again. I put EVERYONE'S needs before mine and I'm so fucking tired of it.
I think I mentioned that my parents take Suzie for one weekend a month so John and I can have some alone time and try to rekindle some kind of relationship that's not just about surviving and raising a child. Every weekend it fills up with everyone else's needs and I still don't get a break. I've given and given and given for so long that everyone has just come to expect it from me and when I don't, I'm a bitch.
John tries to help sometimes too. He tells me that I should leave the house and have some alone time to focus on something I want to do. The problem, again, is that I don't HAVE anything to do. I'm so dysthymic, I'm just flat. I was looking throught the continuing ed courses at Evergreen and SPSCC today, 3/4s of them were of no interest to me and the courses that did look promising I immediately shot down because of fear or shame or some other unrecognized emotion.
I am so stuck.
John tries to help sometimes too. He tells me that I should leave the house and have some alone time to focus on something I want to do. The problem, again, is that I don't HAVE anything to do. I'm so dysthymic, I'm just flat. I was looking throught the continuing ed courses at Evergreen and SPSCC today, 3/4s of them were of no interest to me and the courses that did look promising I immediately shot down because of fear or shame or some other unrecognized emotion.
I am so stuck.
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