Desire. Ask. Believe. Receive.

and just haven't been able to make it happen. It's been a looooooong week. Long. Really long. I'll give the abridged version because I'm just not up to writing out all the tedious details.

It started last Tuesday with a family trip up north for my grandmother's funeral. This is an emotional thing! She was 96 and had lived a long and happily devout life but funerals are never (well, rarely a fun time). I was looking forward to seeing a lot of people that I hadn't seen in a while but was pretty nervous about having to mediate between my parents and sister who haven't spoken since 2001. My sister is heartbroken about this estrangement and my parents are stubbornly refusing to reconsider; I was not looking forward to having to deal with this and was somewhere, deep inside, looking for a way to bury my head in the sand.

Like most families, mine comes complete with diametrically opposed political views. Now, in my opinion, a funeral is not the time to go into those differences, but this is a heated election year and people have a lot to say about things. So, in summary so far...I'm at a funeral, I'm surrounded by extended family, I'm mediating between my parents and sister, and I'm attempting to avoid any political debate during a time of grief. What could make this week even yet still more fun? (tmi alert for any male readers) I started bleeding bright red blood Tuesday night.

So, in the middle of all this turmoil it looks like I'm having a miscarriage.

And to add further stress, upon my return home on Thursday and my trip the ob/gyn, I was told they really wouldn't know anything until an ultrasound the following Tuesday; they did quite a bit of blood work and it was moderately discouraging/useless as it was just a baseline. So, and please forgive any perceived melodrama, I spent the next 5 days wondering if the baby I was carrying was dead or alive. I was still having enough pregnancy symptoms to know that something was still in there; I just didn't know if it was viable. It was a real bummer of a weekend. I did my best to focus on the present and to be ok with whatever was.

Good times.

So yeah, I'd through about posting and just didn't have the energy. I was tired. I was depressed. I was worried. I was totally overwhelmed. And I just couldn't get it together to post.

But...fast forward to yesterday, GOOD NEWS!! I went in for the u/s and things look good. My heart sank when the tech told me that she wouldn't be able to tell me anything and that it would be two or three days until my doctor got back to me with the results. Ugh... More waiting. However, she was kind enough that when she found what she was looking for, namely a bean sized little person with a visibly beating heart, she turned the monitor towards me so I could see for myself. THANK YOU ULTRASONAGRAPHER!!! So much relief. So much gratitude. So much happiness.

So there we are; there's my week. It was long. It was tough. It was tedious. Oh! But the really cool part? I totally didn't drink. Not even a big deal. Even when I thought I'd lost the baby and therefore was "only" sober for myself I didn't go there. I'm so grateful for my sobriety. It's such an amazing thing.

I woke up at 6 in the morning on Saturday ready.to.garden. It was dark. It was rainy. It was 6 a.m. No matter! I was out digging up rocks, tilling, building the soil, and had my lettuce and spinach plot planted before the fam woke up at 7:30. Funny right? I love nesting.

Not much to report here, just felt like checking in I guess.

So, here's the scoop; I'm so very newly pregnant, really I shouldn't even be talking about it yet, but this is my blog, right? This is where I can actually talk about how excited I am, even already!

It's funny; Suzie was SUCH a challenging baby, straight from three months of colic into just a constant high needs, spirited kid (I clearly remember the months of wearing her 7-10 hours a day, just to keep her from crying) there was NO way I was putting myself through that again! I went from dreaming quiverful dreams to looking into getting my tubes ties in just 8 short months. But here I am, excited to death at the arrival of this next bundle. I can't wait to cuddle and nurse that tiny newborn body!!! Does that sound weird? Probably to anybody who hasn't ever or who didn't have a great experience nursing but I just loved it so much. I loved being that close to my little one.

Work is work. It's mundane and stupid. I'm going to do my best though to hold out. It's only till November after all. My little election day bundle of joy. :)

I think there might be three of you--do you remember about 4 years ago when I got really depressed and felt like my life was falling apart and that I was losing everything I'd worked for? Remember then how I wrote a blog explaining the unexpected cause of all of my exhaustion and mood-swingyness?

:) :) :)

Yea! It's the same amazing news--we've got a new addition to our family in the works! I'm so completely excited and ecstatic; so totally happy right now. I'm estimating the due date to be around the 9th of November so I'm super duper early and have a loooong way to go, but here's hoping for as beautiful a pregnancy as last time.