Desire. Ask. Believe. Receive.

I'm not sure exactly what that means but I'm feeling pretty envious right now of those Christians that can just turn it all over to God and be done with it. Cause I'm not handling things very well on my own right now. Things are not very good right now.

I mean, I suppose I'm in a good enough place. Suzie's awesome, John and I are getting along well, work's OK...It's just me I guess that I'm not handling well. I'm eating too much, I'm drinking too much, I'm not exercising at all. I've given up on taking care of myself and can't seem to figure out how to fix it. My clothes don't fit well. But I just can't make myself make any changes. Everyday I wake up with the intention of exercising and not drinking that day and everyday, with out even a struggle on my part, I don't do a bit of exercise and instead drink and drink and drink.

I've done every diet in the world. I know I sound like the beginning of every diet book ever written except that I don't have a happy ending--I can't find the "one thing" that turns it around for me. That's why I think maybe God could help me. I mean, nothing else is working. I certainly don't have the strength in myself right now. So what does that mean "giving it up to God?" How do I do that? I feel like a total hypocrite but I've started praying again. It's all so weird, I've been a non-Christian for most of my life and I still don't think I'm anywhere near to calling myself that--there's just too much wrapped up in that word and that religion that definitely doesn't speak to me, but here I am praying. Praying?!? WTF? Who do I expect to answer when I'm not buying the entire religion...

Whatever, I've got work to do. Maybe I'll write more about this later.

I've got that palpable, bodily feeling of dis-harmony today. Do you ever get that? I don't like it. I keep saying the wrong things and my body feels ungraceful and out of place. Not good. I'm not putting words together well, I'm bumping into things...I feel fat and out of shape. I'm limping cause I broke my pinky toe on Friday...All bad things. I guess it makes sense that I'm feeling down but I hate it. I feel like I'm wasting my life when I let myself get into places like this. And then I feel too stubborn to get out of it. Like I want to let everyone know how I'm feeling so maybe someone else can fix it or get me out of it instead.

I found the perfect dog for my family on psgreyhounds.org and now J's stonewalling again. I mean, everything he says is valid I guess but I'm sure that's part of it.

Boring post.

Back to work for me. I'll try to get something else written later.

There's truly not a spectacle quite as charming as hearing your 2 1/2 year old daughter cheer and clap Lando Calrizian on for his great job at potty training.

After this morning's discussion with my boss I was having a conversation with a co-worker who informed me of another conversation that she had had with my boss in which he told her once of the time his wife burned the bread she was baking (from scratch). He came home to find a disgusting, smokey, smelly kitchen and his wife was the culprit. TO TEACH HER A LESSON, he put the bread on a plate and made her carry it around for the rest of the day, so that she would never get away from the smell or the shame of that burnt loaf of bread.

I repeat here, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!? He did this to his wife? And wait, let me check, this IS the new millennium, is it not? They were not married in 1840, correct? And, AND, he came into to work and ADMITTED (in fact came just short of bragging about) this fact?!? I am floored. Absolutely floored.

And they've only been married less than two years!! Not that any more or less time together would excuse such behavior, but if a husband will pull that crap in such a short time together I shudder to think what he'll be pulling 5, 10, 15 years from now.

Oh, and her reaction, to continue to put up with his untenable behavior, file under "absolutely heartbreaking" and I mean that in the truest, most heartfelt sense of the word.

"I attended the president's inauguration in 2001. When he took the presidential oath, I cried. What was I so afraid of? I was weeping because I was terrified that the new president would wreck the economy and muck up my drinking water. Isn't that adorable? I lacked the pessimistic imagination to dread that tens of thousands of human beings would be spied on or maimed or tortured or killed or stranded or drowned, thanks to his incompetence.

I feel like a fool. All those years of Sunday school, and still the apocalypse catches me off guard."

So we had a surprise rain storm last night--at least, it was a surprise to me--it's been sunny and hot for a week and expected to continue so I was happily surprised to wake up to the sound of raindrops on the skylight last night while sleeping. Unfortunately because I wasn't expecting the rain I wasn't as diligent about bringing in the BBQ equipment as I might have been had I known otherwise. Luckily the cookbooks came in and nothing was ruined, but the citronella candles are full of water and that kind of thing....

So this morning my boss and I were discussing the surprise shower and I told him my story. He started going on and on about how that would never happen in his household because he's taught his wife and step-kids respect and they know that if they leave their belongings out in the rain (or even in the living room overnight) that they'll be in the garbage by morning--and he doesn't care how much sentimental or monetary value the item may hold and his family knows it. And on and on and on about that's what should have happened at my house too.

Finally I looked up and said, as nicely as possible considering that he's my boss, "you know, if my husband spoke that way to me I probably just wouldn't stay." "In what way?" he asked innocently--totally challenging me--"you mean in a way that demands you respect the family's belongings?"

Instead of answering his question I replied "well, first and foremost my husband is my best friend and partner, secondarily he's my lover (I said this to make him uncomfortable), in no way is he my father. If a partner were to talk to me like and and throw away MY belongings the first thing that would happen is that he would replace my belongings immediately, the next thing that would happen is that he would find himself a new family because me and my children would be gone before he knew what hit him." All this said with a smile of course, he IS my boss and a certain amount of ass kissing is required but I was not going to let his comments slide today. It's one thing for him to behave like a tyrant to to woman who knowledgeably chose to marry him, it's another to expect me to put up with it.

He went on to try and turn it around to not being supportive of a partner that clearly has clutter/nitpicking issues. I went on to make copies of my invoices and get back to work.

It is any wonder that when I thought I was pregnant and having a miscarriage last night that my first thought was "well, at least I won't have to go to work tomorrow..."

(more on that later--no pregnancy, no miscarriage, no worries.)

With everything.

"Oh mommy! I looooove lasagna!" "Swimming, oh I loooove swimming!" "I LOVE HAMBURGERS! I LOVE HAMBURGERS!" and the best one of all..."oh mommy, I just love you sooooo much."

She is so cuddly and lovey and sweet right now--she's in a really good stage.

My boss however, is not. More on that later.

she rocks

Sarah Vowell quote of the day:

"Excuse me, but 'LAWMAN'? Did you just say 'LAWMAN'? You mean, like a cop?"

File under: you know you're living the family life when...

On your free weekend during which your beautiful daughter is spending some much needed respite time with her grandparents you're perusing the internet looking for something fun to do with your husband; upon finding a number of festivals, parties, and destinations all occuring that same weekend, you think to yourself "no, what fun would that be without Suzie to share it with?" and choose instead to stay in town, catch an early dinner/movie, and head home to turn in early.

Big time. But good. Really really good.

Can you believe that after all the troubled times in the past 2 and half years our family life has finally settled into a nice, stable, loving, predictable routine and we're thinking it's a good idea to turn it on it's proverbial ear? Doesn't that sound really crazy to you? Like, really fucking crazy to you? It sure does me. Honest to god, after all my talk of wanting to just raise one child because she in herself was far too much work for me, and how we really couldn't afford to raise another to the standard of living to which we're accustomed, and how I really didn't want to stop working and stay at home with a baby again; we are sooooo back in the baby-making saddle. Foolhardy? Possibly. Incredibly fucking short sited and actually quite stupid? That too! But I don't know, boy oh boy do I want another tiny infant. Tiny hands. Tiny face, searching for milk...Oh, so sweet.

However, two of the three moms I know in real life with multiple kids would both probably agree that as much as they love their second children, having them may have been a serious error in judgement. The third family I know with multiple children seems to do alright, I'm not quite sure how, but would probably tell me that I personally couldn't handle it...She's a bitch who spends most of her life on a lot of xanex and valium though so I won't put too much stock into her opinion of my parenting...Maybe that's why so many families in this small town of mine only have one...Maybe they were the smart ones?

Could we do in in a house this small? It's not that the house is small, really, it's quite roomy, but it does have something of a lack of bedrooms...Lots of kids share a room though, right? We could downsize, get a smaller bed, take out one of the computer desks and keep the baby with us for the first year or two? I really like the idea of not upsizing just to fit in another person. I love our house and our view and our lake and our huge front yard and our quiet dead end street, it's a great place to be outside with my family.

Anyway, baby forthcoming. I'll keep you posted.

She's so funny. She's an amazing writer. Her voice is the cutest thing I've ever heard in my life. She's so amazingly talented. She writes in really long sentences. She knows tons and tons of 50 cent words. Her friends are amazing and smart and talented and probably also write in long sentences using really big words. She's everything that I like to pretend I could have become if I wasn't such a moron in high school and an idiot in college. If I pretend hard enough I could have been just as much a genius as Sarah Vowell.

This is our free weekend wherein Suzie goes to stay with her grandparents. It's lovely. Very very very relaxing and rejuvenating. I'm very fortunate that we have this time. The past four or so free weekends have been spent doing taxes, redoing our quicken, deep cleaning the house, and more and more of the same. Amazingly, this weekend we had nothing planned. Nothing social and nothing financial--thank god. We slept in, went for a walk, went to a matinee, and then out to dinner. A really, really good day.

Tonight I think we'll finally finish season 3 of Veronica Mars and probably attempt to conceive Suzie's new sister. I mean, we've been attempting the conception for a month or so now but it just keeps not sticking and darn it--we are not quitters!--so we're just gonna keep on doing it, come hell or highwater, until one of us gets knocked up.

Today is my day to stay home with her. I had her Monday, John had her Tuesday and Thursday, we were both home with her Wednesday, so today John really needed to go into work, and I really wanted to have an excuse to stay home. I know my boss wants to give me a hard time about it, it must absolutely be killing him to not give me trouble but the bottom line is that I do great work and make his life a lot easier, better to have me and my spotty attendance than have to go through 5 temps again, looking for someone to competently do the job...Anyway, boring work stuff.

I had a really hot dream last night about a guy from high school. How weird is that? I mean, there's this one particular guy (the one that got away) that I still dream about all the time, which is kind of pathetic in itself, but last night's dream lover wasn't someone I ever even really gave a passing thought to. Well, maybe a passing thought or six, but he was never a big kind of deal to me--just this sexy stoner dumb jock kind of guy. Whatever, it was a great dream and I was totally bummed out to wake up.

Please excuse the absolute ridiculousness of any upcoming blog posts. I haven't written anything outside of a purchase order in the last 6 months, and really nothing of substance in about 2 and half years, I'm a little rusty.

I feel really frustrated, there's so much I want to write and say, but it's all such a jumbled mess inside my dusty, cobweb filled mind that I think I've forgotten how to access it in any meaningful way. I read so many amazing blogs, by so many people that have sooooo much to say--I feel like there's no point to my writing anything anyway since I'm in no way at that level of thought or output. I guess that's a big part of what blogging has done the the casual journal-writer (at least to this casual journal-writer), given me that sense that every entry has to make a statement, needs to stand alone as piece of important writing. Maybe I'll just let that go. I can think of three people who might be reading this anyway, what the hell; I'm just gonna start from scratch. 6th grade journal writing 101 here I come.

Now I've got to get Suzie packed for the weekend with her grandparents.

primarily because I couldn't access the new blogger from work--damn firewalls, and secondarily because I've been busy and not interested in sitting down to blog at home. Surprisingly today I logged into blogger on a lark and was amazed to find I could once again access the control panel. Who knew? Certainly not me, obviously. I have no idea how long this has been a time-killing possibility.

Anyway, things have been good. Really good actually. I guess I went through a pretty dark period this last spring and winter, but the summer is off to a fantastic start. Maybe I'll have some time to catch up later.

Currently I can hardly walk. John talked me into a 4th of July family run yesterday and I'm sore from waist to knee. It was a really great day though, despite the forced run. :) I woke up depressed and a touch hungover. I think the hangover really wasn't that bad, I was mostly just disappointed in myself for having gotten to that state in the first place. We ran along the river though, which was gorgeous, and then hiked to an abandoned river bank and threw rocks in the current for an hour or so. Next was home, lunch, and taking Suzie out for her first family canoe trip. Great, great fun and she was a perfect traveler, sitting perfectly still in the center of the canoe, intent on her role of keeping the boat steady. We cruised through fields (?) of lily pads and picked Suzie a boquet of lily blossoms. We all got a little too much sun but not too much that the afternoon was spoiled. Home again, got Suze down for a THREE HOUR NAP, got busy with my husband, big taco salads for dinner, then swimming in the neighbors' pool and watching fireworks over the lake while drinking cold beer and eating local strawberries and chocolate before crashing into bed at 10.

All in all it was pretty close to the perfect summer day.

This is brief--I'm working now and really still deciding which direction I want this blog to take now that I know I can access it again. Look for daily updates. ;)