Thursday, July 26, 2007
I need some Jesus in me.
I'm not sure exactly what that means but I'm feeling pretty envious right now of those Christians that can just turn it all over to God and be done with it. Cause I'm not handling things very well on my own right now. Things are not very good right now.
I mean, I suppose I'm in a good enough place. Suzie's awesome, John and I are getting along well, work's OK...It's just me I guess that I'm not handling well. I'm eating too much, I'm drinking too much, I'm not exercising at all. I've given up on taking care of myself and can't seem to figure out how to fix it. My clothes don't fit well. But I just can't make myself make any changes. Everyday I wake up with the intention of exercising and not drinking that day and everyday, with out even a struggle on my part, I don't do a bit of exercise and instead drink and drink and drink.
I've done every diet in the world. I know I sound like the beginning of every diet book ever written except that I don't have a happy ending--I can't find the "one thing" that turns it around for me. That's why I think maybe God could help me. I mean, nothing else is working. I certainly don't have the strength in myself right now. So what does that mean "giving it up to God?" How do I do that? I feel like a total hypocrite but I've started praying again. It's all so weird, I've been a non-Christian for most of my life and I still don't think I'm anywhere near to calling myself that--there's just too much wrapped up in that word and that religion that definitely doesn't speak to me, but here I am praying. Praying?!? WTF? Who do I expect to answer when I'm not buying the entire religion...
Whatever, I've got work to do. Maybe I'll write more about this later.
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I mean, I suppose I'm in a good enough place. Suzie's awesome, John and I are getting along well, work's OK...It's just me I guess that I'm not handling well. I'm eating too much, I'm drinking too much, I'm not exercising at all. I've given up on taking care of myself and can't seem to figure out how to fix it. My clothes don't fit well. But I just can't make myself make any changes. Everyday I wake up with the intention of exercising and not drinking that day and everyday, with out even a struggle on my part, I don't do a bit of exercise and instead drink and drink and drink.
I've done every diet in the world. I know I sound like the beginning of every diet book ever written except that I don't have a happy ending--I can't find the "one thing" that turns it around for me. That's why I think maybe God could help me. I mean, nothing else is working. I certainly don't have the strength in myself right now. So what does that mean "giving it up to God?" How do I do that? I feel like a total hypocrite but I've started praying again. It's all so weird, I've been a non-Christian for most of my life and I still don't think I'm anywhere near to calling myself that--there's just too much wrapped up in that word and that religion that definitely doesn't speak to me, but here I am praying. Praying?!? WTF? Who do I expect to answer when I'm not buying the entire religion...
Whatever, I've got work to do. Maybe I'll write more about this later.
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