Monday, June 13, 2005
My best friend is completely psychotic. Literally.
I have a 15-year history of certifiable crazy best friends. My bad taste in women far surpasses my less-then-stellar taste in men--which is considerable, by the way, bat at least with the men I don't hang on to them and take their ridiculous behavior for years at a time. I will put up with the drama and emotional abuse that these women hurl at me for years and years and years on end. Usually the only way I'm able to distance myself from them is when they move away. And as quickly as that I pick up a new one. I hope to god this current incarnation moves her ass away soon.
I hate that I'm not strong enough to stand up for myself. I mean, it would probably save all my problems. If I told BF how I felt instead of biting my tongue and deferring to her bizarre, cruel, delusional statements about my friends, my life, and the world at large she'd probably get pissed off and not want to talk to me anymore anyway. Either that or learn something. Either way I win right?
She's cut off essentially all her friends except me and husband and a couple of other people that she doesn't see very often and I can't help but thing that she keeps us around just because she can't deal with having now friends. I mean, I'M not delusional, I know I'm not that much better then anyone else in the world, what is it that makes her not hate me too? Probably just that I'm always kissing her ass.
Here's my most current frustration. We both have had babies in the past year. It was my first and her third. She got together with a couple of my other friends and had a nice shower for me late last year. I didn't have a shower for her for a few reasons. One, it was her THIRD baby. People shouldn't expect showers for subsequent children, they should already have everything they need, especially by the third child. Two, I throw her a really nice shower for her second child. I put a lot of time and energy and money into planning it (as well as into a bridal shower for her two years ago, she also threw a nice bridal shower for me) and she really didn't seem very happy with it. Three, and most importantly, she doesn't have any freaking friends! Who the fuck am I supposed to invite when she hates everybody we know and how pathetic with the shower be and how bad will she feel when she's sitting around with me and three of her mom's friends?!? We have about two mutual friends anymore and one of them is really rude about not showing up to people's functions and the other is in the process of being pretty rapidly alienated by BF's behavior.
Anyway, it's all kind of come to a head this past week because I'm involved in planning a shower for this friend who's being alienated. It's this friends second baby and I think that's what set BF off. I do feel slightly guilty that I'm doing a shower for this friend for her second baby, but in my defense, I DID give BF a shower for her second baby, I just didn't give her one for her THIRD baby. And also, I 've got help doing this shower--it wasn't my idea to do it and I'm not completely in charge of planning it, I'm just getting some food and ideas together. I would have been the sole planner for BF's shower and was 7 months pregnant and working full time at the time. And, bottom line, I didn't freaking want to do it! I've already given her two awkward showers and didn't have the time, energy, or money to do it again.
I just don't understand why she has to be so ugly and mean-spirited and judgmental all the time. I honestly don't get it. In her opinion I would probably suck for not getting it, but whatever, I don't. She thinks that everybody is judging her every move and decision and action which is so fucking self-centered. People have their own lives, they're generally way too busy to think about her at all. But at the same time she is so fucking judgmental of EVERYBODY we know. They're too fat or too thin. They don't love their kids enough or they love them in inappropriate ways. They suck because they quit drinking or they suck because they're drunk in public all the time. They're lame because they come on to her in bars or they're lame because they're not interested in her. Do you get the picture? Everybody sucks, that's what it comes down it. She hates everybody and I have to hear about it all the fucking time because I'm too weak to stand up to her. Of all my crazy friends, I have never, in all my life, and I worked as a family therapist for nearly a decade, I have never met a more bile-filled, venomous, emotionally cut off person.
I know I must be coming off as a real bitch to be writing this about my BF, but until I grow myself a backbone I have to have a place to vent. I'm actually to the point of losing sleep because of all these thoughts, running around my head with no outlet. I'm going to use this blog as a place to write these ideas down so they don't just sit and fester and clog up my diminishing mental space.
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I hate that I'm not strong enough to stand up for myself. I mean, it would probably save all my problems. If I told BF how I felt instead of biting my tongue and deferring to her bizarre, cruel, delusional statements about my friends, my life, and the world at large she'd probably get pissed off and not want to talk to me anymore anyway. Either that or learn something. Either way I win right?
She's cut off essentially all her friends except me and husband and a couple of other people that she doesn't see very often and I can't help but thing that she keeps us around just because she can't deal with having now friends. I mean, I'M not delusional, I know I'm not that much better then anyone else in the world, what is it that makes her not hate me too? Probably just that I'm always kissing her ass.
Here's my most current frustration. We both have had babies in the past year. It was my first and her third. She got together with a couple of my other friends and had a nice shower for me late last year. I didn't have a shower for her for a few reasons. One, it was her THIRD baby. People shouldn't expect showers for subsequent children, they should already have everything they need, especially by the third child. Two, I throw her a really nice shower for her second child. I put a lot of time and energy and money into planning it (as well as into a bridal shower for her two years ago, she also threw a nice bridal shower for me) and she really didn't seem very happy with it. Three, and most importantly, she doesn't have any freaking friends! Who the fuck am I supposed to invite when she hates everybody we know and how pathetic with the shower be and how bad will she feel when she's sitting around with me and three of her mom's friends?!? We have about two mutual friends anymore and one of them is really rude about not showing up to people's functions and the other is in the process of being pretty rapidly alienated by BF's behavior.
Anyway, it's all kind of come to a head this past week because I'm involved in planning a shower for this friend who's being alienated. It's this friends second baby and I think that's what set BF off. I do feel slightly guilty that I'm doing a shower for this friend for her second baby, but in my defense, I DID give BF a shower for her second baby, I just didn't give her one for her THIRD baby. And also, I 've got help doing this shower--it wasn't my idea to do it and I'm not completely in charge of planning it, I'm just getting some food and ideas together. I would have been the sole planner for BF's shower and was 7 months pregnant and working full time at the time. And, bottom line, I didn't freaking want to do it! I've already given her two awkward showers and didn't have the time, energy, or money to do it again.
I just don't understand why she has to be so ugly and mean-spirited and judgmental all the time. I honestly don't get it. In her opinion I would probably suck for not getting it, but whatever, I don't. She thinks that everybody is judging her every move and decision and action which is so fucking self-centered. People have their own lives, they're generally way too busy to think about her at all. But at the same time she is so fucking judgmental of EVERYBODY we know. They're too fat or too thin. They don't love their kids enough or they love them in inappropriate ways. They suck because they quit drinking or they suck because they're drunk in public all the time. They're lame because they come on to her in bars or they're lame because they're not interested in her. Do you get the picture? Everybody sucks, that's what it comes down it. She hates everybody and I have to hear about it all the fucking time because I'm too weak to stand up to her. Of all my crazy friends, I have never, in all my life, and I worked as a family therapist for nearly a decade, I have never met a more bile-filled, venomous, emotionally cut off person.
I know I must be coming off as a real bitch to be writing this about my BF, but until I grow myself a backbone I have to have a place to vent. I'm actually to the point of losing sleep because of all these thoughts, running around my head with no outlet. I'm going to use this blog as a place to write these ideas down so they don't just sit and fester and clog up my diminishing mental space.
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