Monday, November 06, 2006
Body Painting
Just cause I haven't posted a pic in ages...
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Patterns, habits, ways of being seen, stuff like that...
My first instinct was to write "I'm so tired of being the odd man out." But then the more I thought about the more I realized I'm not exactly tired of it anymore. "Used to it" I guess is a more accurate term; maybe "kind of bored of it."
A woman in my office had her birthday last week, we're not especially close but I thought we, you know, at least kind of appreciated each other. I had wished her a happy birthday earlier in the day and that afternoon I heard her going around inviting people for drinks with her after work; not EVERYBODY else in the office or anything, but quite a few of them and definitely not me, despite asking someone else while I was within earshot/eyesight. And the thing is that fundamentally I really don't care. I know on a real level I don't have anything in common with her or with any of the people that she invited, I probably wouldn't even have gone, but still, the point is that she's just one in a looooong line of people who don't feel connected enough to me to even invite me out for drinks with a group, you know?
It's just so rare that I ever really fit in with a group of people. I think I had the best luck when I was doing my graduate work at Antioch, I had a pretty tight-knit group of friends/study partners who were going through the program with me. I didn't keep in touch with any of them but while I was there I always had a group of people I felt comfortable with and connected too. At different times in my life I've had groups like that; I remember having four good friends in one of my particularly tough programs at Evergreen, and there were a few years in the early 90s where I had an amazing group of friends.
Usually though my life reads a lot like it does here at my current place of employment. I take my lunch alone with a book (which is great, truthfully, as I have so little time to read at home and I'd much rather be reading a good book than interacting with people who haven't matured much past the 11th grade), I don't see anybody from work outside of work, and I'm never invited to drinks with the co-workers. What about me makes me so difficult to connect with?
Still though, I guess I don't really want to change it. I mean, do I really want to change who I am so these particular rednecks feel more comfortable drinking shots inappropriately named after bodily functions with me? Not really. So maybe it's my "fault" then. Maybe it's just obvious that I'm not really one of them.
I'm rambling now.
I just wish I had a group of friends again that I was part of. I've tried over the years to make new groups of friends. I went to MOMS club, La Leche League meetings, same deal. When I didn't work so much I went to yoga and dance classes; that was good and I met some cool people but you're, you know, doing yoga or dancing so there's not really much time to get to know anyone...I tried to reconnect with the friends from the early 90s; didn't really work, I guess we've all changed too much. So I don't know. How DOES one go about making friends? Craigslist? I'm not looking for a date, just someone to connect with on a real level.
Ms. Cloud 7.5, you've really got to get your ass back to Olympia; and Andrew, I'm sure you'll be nodding your head in understanding to most of this.
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A woman in my office had her birthday last week, we're not especially close but I thought we, you know, at least kind of appreciated each other. I had wished her a happy birthday earlier in the day and that afternoon I heard her going around inviting people for drinks with her after work; not EVERYBODY else in the office or anything, but quite a few of them and definitely not me, despite asking someone else while I was within earshot/eyesight. And the thing is that fundamentally I really don't care. I know on a real level I don't have anything in common with her or with any of the people that she invited, I probably wouldn't even have gone, but still, the point is that she's just one in a looooong line of people who don't feel connected enough to me to even invite me out for drinks with a group, you know?
It's just so rare that I ever really fit in with a group of people. I think I had the best luck when I was doing my graduate work at Antioch, I had a pretty tight-knit group of friends/study partners who were going through the program with me. I didn't keep in touch with any of them but while I was there I always had a group of people I felt comfortable with and connected too. At different times in my life I've had groups like that; I remember having four good friends in one of my particularly tough programs at Evergreen, and there were a few years in the early 90s where I had an amazing group of friends.
Usually though my life reads a lot like it does here at my current place of employment. I take my lunch alone with a book (which is great, truthfully, as I have so little time to read at home and I'd much rather be reading a good book than interacting with people who haven't matured much past the 11th grade), I don't see anybody from work outside of work, and I'm never invited to drinks with the co-workers. What about me makes me so difficult to connect with?
Still though, I guess I don't really want to change it. I mean, do I really want to change who I am so these particular rednecks feel more comfortable drinking shots inappropriately named after bodily functions with me? Not really. So maybe it's my "fault" then. Maybe it's just obvious that I'm not really one of them.
I'm rambling now.
I just wish I had a group of friends again that I was part of. I've tried over the years to make new groups of friends. I went to MOMS club, La Leche League meetings, same deal. When I didn't work so much I went to yoga and dance classes; that was good and I met some cool people but you're, you know, doing yoga or dancing so there's not really much time to get to know anyone...I tried to reconnect with the friends from the early 90s; didn't really work, I guess we've all changed too much. So I don't know. How DOES one go about making friends? Craigslist? I'm not looking for a date, just someone to connect with on a real level.
Ms. Cloud 7.5, you've really got to get your ass back to Olympia; and Andrew, I'm sure you'll be nodding your head in understanding to most of this.
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Man....I'm that predictable, aren't I? I think today's the first day I've stopped by since I last made a comment too. At this point, I don't even take a lunch break anymore - just eat at my desk while I work, so I can leave earlier. Of course I agree - definitely. Despite every technological advance in communications, and human interaction, it's still so easy to feel a long way from anywhere.
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Thursday, November 02, 2006
Seriously.
I'm so mired down in the ugliness of the world right now that I can't.even.function. For real. All the pain and suffering and hopelessness feels so acutely real right now that it feels impossible to do anything except put my head in my hands and cry. And I'm supposed to care about cleaning out the miscellaneous files in my filing cabinet? A man in Atlanta just cut off his daughter's clitoris with a pair of scissors and I'm supposed to file? This practice has been going on for hundreds of years and I'm supposed to care about bathtubs? How many kids a day are starving, being beaten, and torn apart by U.S. bombs and I'm supposed to give a fuck about my boss' ego? I just can't do it today. I know most of us, myself included, are usually able to forget or put aside the horribleness that is human nature and get the job done, but today that just feels so worthless an existence. At the same time though, what am I really supposed to do about it? I feel imobilized by my helplessness.
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I'm sitting here feeling similiar feelings and thinking near similar thoughts. Wish I had something more to offer than that - but just know you're not alone!
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