Desire. Ask. Believe. Receive.

I'm just livin. L.I.V.I.N.

Things are allright--up and down--but mostly allright. I'm working, quite enjoying my job actually, taking care of Suze, and I started running yesterday. So that's all something, right?

I've been given quite a bit more responsibility at work, doing things that I really enjoy doing and I've gotten to a place of confidence; of knowing what I'm responsible for and more importantly know what I'm NOT responsible for and conversely, who IS. That's a good feeling, I've got much less of the nervous stomach that I used to carry around and that caused me to sweat anytime anybody walked up to my desk needing something; which given that I'm the company buyer, was quite often.

The running's been fun. Granted, it's only been a couple of days, but I've been looking forward to it for about a month. The plan is to pick Suzie up from daycare in the stroller on nice-ish days and then run her home. That gives me an out for the icky days since I wouldn't want to subject her to the cold, rainy weather.

So yeah, not much else going on. Dinner with a friend last week; planning a big play date/kids' party in Februray; working...

If something happens you'll be the first to know but in the meantime, yeah, I really got nothing to report.

I was getting tired of my own pity party so I decided not to post for a while. Things are better now; definitely improved. Whether that's due to the alignment of the stars, my bizarre cycle, some internal chemical adjustment, or a combination of the three I'm not sure; the bottom line though is that I'm feeling quite a great deal better and I hope the feeling lasts for a while. I'm not exactly manic, though I was for a good five days; I just feel, I don't know, kind of even I guess. It's nice.

The holidays have come and gone. They were good. I took 10 days off work which was very much needed; I stayed with my parents for a good chunk of that time and so got some also very much needed rest; and most importantly I had a much, much, much needed slumber party with my dear, dear, dear friend, C, who always fills me with excitement, energy, and possibilities. I hate that I see her so rarely but love that despite the distance we still have such a good time together. Unfortunately it seems to be our destiny that there will always be an issue between one of us and the other's partner but I'm thinking we've gotten to a place of equilibrium with that. I'm hoping so, anyway. The very best thing about her? Not a psycho bone in her body--ok, well, maybe there's one or two but everybody's got at least that many right? Especially opposed to most of my close friends who seem to have psychosis imbued into their very skeletal systems...

Now a vent (depending on how much free time I carve out for myself today this may be the first of a few). Last night I'd arranged to take my PBF to dinner for a late birthday celebration. Her husband would watch Suzie for an hour or so until John was able to pick her up after work. I'd made dinner reservations for 6, with the intention of arriving at her house at 5:30 to spend some time getting Suzie acclimated before I took off. I'll make it clear that PBF and her husband were aware of this plan; I'd even asked before hand if their eldest daughter had dance class that night and if so did I need to schedule around the husband having to leave to drive her there. "Don't worry about it" he said "I've got it taken care of." Great!

(does anyone else get the feeling there might be a problem brewing?)

Because of traffic I get to their house about 10 minutes late. I walk into chaos, as usual, but for once the house is exceptionally clean. I reply, "wow, it looks great in here!" which grants me a scowl from PBF. I made the mistake of not dropping the subject and asked if her eldest daughter had cleaned up. "No, nobody cleaned." was the reply. Let me clarify that PBF's house is bar none, the dirtiest, most disgusting house I've ever seen. Granted, I'm sure there are lots of people with ickier houses, but they're not people I generally associate with. Today the house was visibly scrubbed; the toys were put away, there was no rotting food in the kitchen, and most importantly, the bathroom is free of really disgusting, unmentionable things around the toilet. "Ok" I think to myself "I guess in crazy world houses clean themselves..."

The next thing I notice is that PBF and her toddler are contentedly watching American Psycho together. I haven't seen the movie but the bit I saw last night was of Christian Bale killing one of his co-workers with a shiny, silver axe. I shielded Suzie's eyes and kept her focused on me so she wouldn't see the on-screen violence at which point PBF turned the channel and pointedly told me "it's actually a really funny movie, Jane." Ok, right, American Psycho is actually a comedy aimed at an audience of toddlers. I'll run right out and replace Suzie's Wiggles video collection with the complete works of Brett Easton Ellis. Good plan!

The next problem is that the eldest daughter needed to be picked up at dance class downtown at 5:45 and delivered to drill practice at 6. Coincidentally the same time as our dinner reservation--weird huh? Especially considereing I'd asked them if 6:00 dinner reservation would work. It wasn't a problem calling the restaurant and rescheduling, it was more just the irritation of such disrespect. At that point I wanted to ask PBF if she even WANTED to go out to dinner as it seemed to be causing much difficulty for their family. I'm me though, so I didn't, I just sat with Suzie and read her a book which really was fine with me until it was time to head out.

The channel was changed and I felt ok about leaving Suzie with the husband and the toddler and long as PBF and her toxic energy had left the building but I still went outside and called John and told him to get off work and over to their house as quickly as possible. Anyway, the dinner went alright, PBF was happy to have a dinner out, blah blah blah. End of vent....For now.