Monday, March 27, 2006
Hmmm, no title ideas today.
I've not been much into blogging lately. I've been up and way down and when I'm down I have no energy to blog and when I'm up I have too much to catch up on. I did use some of my up-ish time to start a myspace account. I'm such a dork.
Really brief recap...Suzie started daycare, she's been sick ever since and so have we. Bah. My car died a week ago Sunday--double bah--I really loved that car, so we're in the market for a new one which is kind of fun but a lot of energy and work. Oh, yeah, and my previous employer called and asked me back. I told them I was only willing to work part time and wanted to be able to leave the office when my work was finished (my big issue before was punching the time clock and having to stay to 5 even with an empty desk) and they're willing to work with me on that. I still don't love the job but I need one, especially with the car issue and having the freedom to leave by 2:30 or so if needed (and not come in till 9:30 or so in the morning) makes up for the lack for passion, at least for the time being.
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Really brief recap...Suzie started daycare, she's been sick ever since and so have we. Bah. My car died a week ago Sunday--double bah--I really loved that car, so we're in the market for a new one which is kind of fun but a lot of energy and work. Oh, yeah, and my previous employer called and asked me back. I told them I was only willing to work part time and wanted to be able to leave the office when my work was finished (my big issue before was punching the time clock and having to stay to 5 even with an empty desk) and they're willing to work with me on that. I still don't love the job but I need one, especially with the car issue and having the freedom to leave by 2:30 or so if needed (and not come in till 9:30 or so in the morning) makes up for the lack for passion, at least for the time being.
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Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Part of me keeps trying to tell myself that I'm a bad mother, but mostly I know I'm doing the right thing.
I'm starting Suzie part time in day-care tomorrow....And I am soooo looking forward to it. I really wanted to be a perfect stay-at-home mama. I really did. I tried and tried but I'm bored to tears and I feel like I'm driving Suzie to tears as well. I feel like she's bored at home with just me all day and there are not enough playgroups during the week to keep her/us happy. It's gotten to the point where if I'm not on the ground playing with her--which I love to do and generally spend about 4 hours a day doing--she's hanging on my legs and crying. Anyway, I'm not trying to justify my choices and I really don't want to feel defensive about this but I can't help it. My idea of good parenting was that one parent would stay home with the children 24/7. Whether or not I've failed Suzie I've definitely failed in that goal. The message boards I read and so many of my favorite blogs are all about mammas who have these fabulous lives staying home with their babies. Why don't I have it in me to give that much? I hate to feel like I'm just that selfish.
Again, it still sounds like I'm trying to justify or make excuses. I'm really not. I think that for me and Suzie, right now, this is going to give me the break I need every week to have more patience for her limitless energy. We were at a playgroup yesterday and while the other kids happily played pirates on the playground' I was running, constantly, following Suzie while she explored the entire two acre field. And I'm fine with that--I truly am--I love that she's so adventuresome and wild, but I don't have the energy to sustain it all week. The other moms at the group were like "wow, she REALLY is independent, isn't she?" Yep, she's non-stop.
So she'll be in care for 4 or 5 hours a day, 3 days a week. The other two days she'll be at home with me, going to playgroups and rolling around on our living room floor. I gotta tell ya, the idea of grocery shopping alone is really exciting to me right now.
Additionally, I just figured out our budget and it looks like we're consistently spending about $400 more a month than we bring in. I've looked at what we've cut out and what we could further reduce and I would be hard pressed to get that number down to $0. Even if I cut our groceries in half and cut out the occasional meals out/new pair of half price shoes we'd still be in the red and definitely not saving anything. The fact is that we just have too much debt and got into a mortgage that's right on the edge of what we can afford. I can't believe I have to get a job to get out of the red--I really thought I could live frugally enough to make it on one income.
Suzie's waking up and we've got to go to the childcare center and get acquainted.
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Again, it still sounds like I'm trying to justify or make excuses. I'm really not. I think that for me and Suzie, right now, this is going to give me the break I need every week to have more patience for her limitless energy. We were at a playgroup yesterday and while the other kids happily played pirates on the playground' I was running, constantly, following Suzie while she explored the entire two acre field. And I'm fine with that--I truly am--I love that she's so adventuresome and wild, but I don't have the energy to sustain it all week. The other moms at the group were like "wow, she REALLY is independent, isn't she?" Yep, she's non-stop.
So she'll be in care for 4 or 5 hours a day, 3 days a week. The other two days she'll be at home with me, going to playgroups and rolling around on our living room floor. I gotta tell ya, the idea of grocery shopping alone is really exciting to me right now.
Additionally, I just figured out our budget and it looks like we're consistently spending about $400 more a month than we bring in. I've looked at what we've cut out and what we could further reduce and I would be hard pressed to get that number down to $0. Even if I cut our groceries in half and cut out the occasional meals out/new pair of half price shoes we'd still be in the red and definitely not saving anything. The fact is that we just have too much debt and got into a mortgage that's right on the edge of what we can afford. I can't believe I have to get a job to get out of the red--I really thought I could live frugally enough to make it on one income.
Suzie's waking up and we've got to go to the childcare center and get acquainted.
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I also feel that a "good mom" is one who is with her children full-time, who doesn't use daycare. So I am with my kids all the time and don't use daycare, but it's not easy, and I too feel selfish when I want more time to myself. The real problem, I think, is that most moms are isolated with their children rather than living within a supporting community of extended family and other mothers. It's also helpful to remember that little ones' care intensive years are only a few. That's what I keep telling myself.
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Friday, March 03, 2006
I'm sick. Bah.
Grumble.
John had to stay home from work today because I feel too weak and tired to run after Suzie. As it happens, she may have a touch of it too as she seems unusually quiet. Oh well. It's still a big relief to not stress about it.
It's been a tough week. Suzie's been really bored around the house and the weather hasn't been very conducive to spending much time outside. I'm not sure what to do with her next week. I think we have a couple of play groups lined up which will be good but I've got to figure something out for the long run. We're both bored of hanging out in the house and when we go outside all she wants to do is run all the way up the driveway to the road. I swear, these babies have such radar for what they're not supposed to do. Babies are totally wild. Literally.
I'm really just checking in. I don't have the energy to type anymore today.
Sick=grumpy.
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John had to stay home from work today because I feel too weak and tired to run after Suzie. As it happens, she may have a touch of it too as she seems unusually quiet. Oh well. It's still a big relief to not stress about it.
It's been a tough week. Suzie's been really bored around the house and the weather hasn't been very conducive to spending much time outside. I'm not sure what to do with her next week. I think we have a couple of play groups lined up which will be good but I've got to figure something out for the long run. We're both bored of hanging out in the house and when we go outside all she wants to do is run all the way up the driveway to the road. I swear, these babies have such radar for what they're not supposed to do. Babies are totally wild. Literally.
I'm really just checking in. I don't have the energy to type anymore today.
Sick=grumpy.
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