Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Part of me keeps trying to tell myself that I'm a bad mother, but mostly I know I'm doing the right thing.
I'm starting Suzie part time in day-care tomorrow....And I am soooo looking forward to it. I really wanted to be a perfect stay-at-home mama. I really did. I tried and tried but I'm bored to tears and I feel like I'm driving Suzie to tears as well. I feel like she's bored at home with just me all day and there are not enough playgroups during the week to keep her/us happy. It's gotten to the point where if I'm not on the ground playing with her--which I love to do and generally spend about 4 hours a day doing--she's hanging on my legs and crying. Anyway, I'm not trying to justify my choices and I really don't want to feel defensive about this but I can't help it. My idea of good parenting was that one parent would stay home with the children 24/7. Whether or not I've failed Suzie I've definitely failed in that goal. The message boards I read and so many of my favorite blogs are all about mammas who have these fabulous lives staying home with their babies. Why don't I have it in me to give that much? I hate to feel like I'm just that selfish.
Again, it still sounds like I'm trying to justify or make excuses. I'm really not. I think that for me and Suzie, right now, this is going to give me the break I need every week to have more patience for her limitless energy. We were at a playgroup yesterday and while the other kids happily played pirates on the playground' I was running, constantly, following Suzie while she explored the entire two acre field. And I'm fine with that--I truly am--I love that she's so adventuresome and wild, but I don't have the energy to sustain it all week. The other moms at the group were like "wow, she REALLY is independent, isn't she?" Yep, she's non-stop.
So she'll be in care for 4 or 5 hours a day, 3 days a week. The other two days she'll be at home with me, going to playgroups and rolling around on our living room floor. I gotta tell ya, the idea of grocery shopping alone is really exciting to me right now.
Additionally, I just figured out our budget and it looks like we're consistently spending about $400 more a month than we bring in. I've looked at what we've cut out and what we could further reduce and I would be hard pressed to get that number down to $0. Even if I cut our groceries in half and cut out the occasional meals out/new pair of half price shoes we'd still be in the red and definitely not saving anything. The fact is that we just have too much debt and got into a mortgage that's right on the edge of what we can afford. I can't believe I have to get a job to get out of the red--I really thought I could live frugally enough to make it on one income.
Suzie's waking up and we've got to go to the childcare center and get acquainted.
1 Comment(s)
Again, it still sounds like I'm trying to justify or make excuses. I'm really not. I think that for me and Suzie, right now, this is going to give me the break I need every week to have more patience for her limitless energy. We were at a playgroup yesterday and while the other kids happily played pirates on the playground' I was running, constantly, following Suzie while she explored the entire two acre field. And I'm fine with that--I truly am--I love that she's so adventuresome and wild, but I don't have the energy to sustain it all week. The other moms at the group were like "wow, she REALLY is independent, isn't she?" Yep, she's non-stop.
So she'll be in care for 4 or 5 hours a day, 3 days a week. The other two days she'll be at home with me, going to playgroups and rolling around on our living room floor. I gotta tell ya, the idea of grocery shopping alone is really exciting to me right now.
Additionally, I just figured out our budget and it looks like we're consistently spending about $400 more a month than we bring in. I've looked at what we've cut out and what we could further reduce and I would be hard pressed to get that number down to $0. Even if I cut our groceries in half and cut out the occasional meals out/new pair of half price shoes we'd still be in the red and definitely not saving anything. The fact is that we just have too much debt and got into a mortgage that's right on the edge of what we can afford. I can't believe I have to get a job to get out of the red--I really thought I could live frugally enough to make it on one income.
Suzie's waking up and we've got to go to the childcare center and get acquainted.
Comments:
I also feel that a "good mom" is one who is with her children full-time, who doesn't use daycare. So I am with my kids all the time and don't use daycare, but it's not easy, and I too feel selfish when I want more time to myself. The real problem, I think, is that most moms are isolated with their children rather than living within a supporting community of extended family and other mothers. It's also helpful to remember that little ones' care intensive years are only a few. That's what I keep telling myself.
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