Thursday, January 31, 2008
Is it weird that I'm just happy all the time anymore?
Like not euphoric and bouncing off the walls but just generally good spirited and really...greatful for how well things are going? It's odd, it feels a little like when I was pregnant and I was so happy to be pregnant that I even kind of oddly enjoyed the less pleasant aspects of pregnancy like getting fat and peeing all the time and not sleeping very well. Yeah, it's alot like like; except that I'm not pregnant, I'm just really happy to be...just to be I guess.
Sobriety, especially after so long of being wasted all the time, feels so amazing. My mood swings are gone, I'm not "flat" I'm just...level...in a really good way. I can't believe how much more I'm getting accomplished at home; how much more I'm reading; how much cleaner my house is; how much more fun Suzie and I are having.
Plus, I'm just really grateful for all that I have right now. For all my bitching about work it's really not that bad, you know? I mean, sure, it's not doing a thing for my spiritual well being, but it does pay me a really decent wage to do very little work in an environment that's fairly supportive and that I have a few pretty good friends in. I've got a gorgous house with a beautiful view and huge safe yard for my amazing toddler to run in. I've got a lake to swim in. I've got a loving, supportive husband who works so hard to take care of us all. We've all got our health and our intellect. And as icing on the cake we've really got enough money to do pretty much anything we want as long as we make wise decisions.
Where's the bad in that?
What the fuck am I complaining about all the time?
A month ago I decided to start praying--a lot--just kind of as an experiment. I'm thinking it kind of worked. I mean, nothing has really changed. Everything is really the same as it was a month ago except for the fact that I've got one month more of sobriety under my belt--BUT my perception of it all has changed. I don't have a crappy marriage; I have a fantastic marriage. I don't have a demanding daughter; I have an incredible daughter. I don't have the worst job in the world. I'm not poor. I don't need to move to a better neighborhood.
So what does that mean? As I type it, the cynic in me is screaming "well if nothing's really changed then you're just delusional" but I know that's wrong. The truth is that I was delusional before; when nothing was good enough and I was running myself into the ground trying to fix it anyway; and when I couldn't fix it I'd drink some more to avoid it.
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Sobriety, especially after so long of being wasted all the time, feels so amazing. My mood swings are gone, I'm not "flat" I'm just...level...in a really good way. I can't believe how much more I'm getting accomplished at home; how much more I'm reading; how much cleaner my house is; how much more fun Suzie and I are having.
Plus, I'm just really grateful for all that I have right now. For all my bitching about work it's really not that bad, you know? I mean, sure, it's not doing a thing for my spiritual well being, but it does pay me a really decent wage to do very little work in an environment that's fairly supportive and that I have a few pretty good friends in. I've got a gorgous house with a beautiful view and huge safe yard for my amazing toddler to run in. I've got a lake to swim in. I've got a loving, supportive husband who works so hard to take care of us all. We've all got our health and our intellect. And as icing on the cake we've really got enough money to do pretty much anything we want as long as we make wise decisions.
Where's the bad in that?
What the fuck am I complaining about all the time?
A month ago I decided to start praying--a lot--just kind of as an experiment. I'm thinking it kind of worked. I mean, nothing has really changed. Everything is really the same as it was a month ago except for the fact that I've got one month more of sobriety under my belt--BUT my perception of it all has changed. I don't have a crappy marriage; I have a fantastic marriage. I don't have a demanding daughter; I have an incredible daughter. I don't have the worst job in the world. I'm not poor. I don't need to move to a better neighborhood.
So what does that mean? As I type it, the cynic in me is screaming "well if nothing's really changed then you're just delusional" but I know that's wrong. The truth is that I was delusional before; when nothing was good enough and I was running myself into the ground trying to fix it anyway; and when I couldn't fix it I'd drink some more to avoid it.
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