Friday, February 29, 2008
Sad Day. Sad Week.
My pink cloud puked all over me this week. My motivation is gone. I'm still sober, and happily so, but I'm so unhappy in my job and Suzie is at a really tough spot developmentally. I've been trying to pray even more, and I believe it to be good, but I'm not seeing the immediate rewards that I had been over the last two months. I guess that's a standard personality trait of an addict though, the need for immediate gratification.
I so need out of my job. People ask me what I want to be doing instead and that's the problem--I don't really know! My friend Claire had some great suggestions for me yesterday in the retail sector and I was really excited about them, until I remembered the crazy schedule that often defines retail work; one of the definite positives of my current position is the 8-5 schedule. It's all a trade off I guess. I just know there has to be a job out there for me; one that feeds my soul and makes a positive difference in the world; and one absolutely that doesn't fill me with loathing and make me cry every day on my commute in. Right? I've been praying, not about finding a new job specifically, but about finding peace in what is and also about keeping my eyes and my heart open to seeing the possibilities for new opportunities around me.
It was so bad this morning though that I actually thought "I wish I hadn't made the mistake of starting a family because I'd rather die then go into that terrible place again." I guess I could be thankful that I've got an amazing family to save my life.
Suzie. She loves me to death. This is so sweet. She absolutely cannot get enough of me. She cries when I leave, she stays snuggled on me most of the night. I do love being so connected to her. The tough part is that she actively dislikes pretty much everyone else. If anyone else looks at her to talks to her or touches her while I'm around she will fly into hysterics. My mood was so fragile that when she climbed into my bed at 5 this morning and her dad tried to help her into her place and she went into a rage, I completely lost it and cried for an hour--while she slept peacefully. :(
But, and this is a big one, I am still sober. And honestly not even really thinking about drinking. I mean, it has occurred to me, but not so much as a way to relieve the stress, more as a way of revenge (against WHO???) or perhaps even a way of killing myself. Which I know I don't want to do. I just hate my job so much. My husband has such an amazing work ethic. He hates his job as much as I do, but for him quitting is not an option; we've got a mortgage and Montessori fees to pay. I know he's right. Our home and Suzie's education are so important. But what about our mental health--where does that fit in? How is it ok that I actually want to end my life (which I'd never do, ok? Don't worry anybody, please, I'm not actually going to DO it, it's just words to describe how absolutely miserable I am...) just so that I don't have to go to my job anymore?
I just feel so taken advantage of. I've found this at every job I've ever worked at. They always start out so well you know? I'm meeting new people and learning new things, but then always, right around the one year mark, they start putting more and more responsibility on you; which is OK, to a point. I'm so frustrated now; I'm effectivly doing the work of two people, my boss has been given other projects (and is working 10 hour days himself) which leaves me to do essentially all the purchasing, all the accounts payable, and 75% of the meeting and negotiating with vendors, as well as filling in at the receptionist desk (because her position was cut), and doing a twice weekly physical inventory, AND coming for three hours one Saturday a month to key the plant inventory. All for the same amount of money--which was low to freaking begin with!!! How much can I take? My boss is telling me to steady myself for more but I'm already so in the weeds. I'm really at the end of my rope. I'm so fragile and emotional right now that I feel like I'm gonna either walk or cry if anybody so much as looks at me. Not a strong place to be.
Something has to change.
1 Comment(s)
I so need out of my job. People ask me what I want to be doing instead and that's the problem--I don't really know! My friend Claire had some great suggestions for me yesterday in the retail sector and I was really excited about them, until I remembered the crazy schedule that often defines retail work; one of the definite positives of my current position is the 8-5 schedule. It's all a trade off I guess. I just know there has to be a job out there for me; one that feeds my soul and makes a positive difference in the world; and one absolutely that doesn't fill me with loathing and make me cry every day on my commute in. Right? I've been praying, not about finding a new job specifically, but about finding peace in what is and also about keeping my eyes and my heart open to seeing the possibilities for new opportunities around me.
It was so bad this morning though that I actually thought "I wish I hadn't made the mistake of starting a family because I'd rather die then go into that terrible place again." I guess I could be thankful that I've got an amazing family to save my life.
Suzie. She loves me to death. This is so sweet. She absolutely cannot get enough of me. She cries when I leave, she stays snuggled on me most of the night. I do love being so connected to her. The tough part is that she actively dislikes pretty much everyone else. If anyone else looks at her to talks to her or touches her while I'm around she will fly into hysterics. My mood was so fragile that when she climbed into my bed at 5 this morning and her dad tried to help her into her place and she went into a rage, I completely lost it and cried for an hour--while she slept peacefully. :(
But, and this is a big one, I am still sober. And honestly not even really thinking about drinking. I mean, it has occurred to me, but not so much as a way to relieve the stress, more as a way of revenge (against WHO???) or perhaps even a way of killing myself. Which I know I don't want to do. I just hate my job so much. My husband has such an amazing work ethic. He hates his job as much as I do, but for him quitting is not an option; we've got a mortgage and Montessori fees to pay. I know he's right. Our home and Suzie's education are so important. But what about our mental health--where does that fit in? How is it ok that I actually want to end my life (which I'd never do, ok? Don't worry anybody, please, I'm not actually going to DO it, it's just words to describe how absolutely miserable I am...) just so that I don't have to go to my job anymore?
I just feel so taken advantage of. I've found this at every job I've ever worked at. They always start out so well you know? I'm meeting new people and learning new things, but then always, right around the one year mark, they start putting more and more responsibility on you; which is OK, to a point. I'm so frustrated now; I'm effectivly doing the work of two people, my boss has been given other projects (and is working 10 hour days himself) which leaves me to do essentially all the purchasing, all the accounts payable, and 75% of the meeting and negotiating with vendors, as well as filling in at the receptionist desk (because her position was cut), and doing a twice weekly physical inventory, AND coming for three hours one Saturday a month to key the plant inventory. All for the same amount of money--which was low to freaking begin with!!! How much can I take? My boss is telling me to steady myself for more but I'm already so in the weeds. I'm really at the end of my rope. I'm so fragile and emotional right now that I feel like I'm gonna either walk or cry if anybody so much as looks at me. Not a strong place to be.
Something has to change.
Comments:
I don't mean to come across like some really crappy version of a motivational speaker, but with regard to your job I think you should take a chance on something, anything. From where I stand it looks like you are stuck in this rut that's really crappy but at least familiar and safe because you know what to expect and you've been in it for so long. I think you need to take a step outside what's comfortable and make a choice that doesn't feel so safe and familiar, even if it means straining things a little. I bet you a dollar that if you do, you'll reap some serious rewards. You might have to feel that strain and discomfort for a while, but in the end it will have been totally worth it.
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