Desire. Ask. Believe. Receive.

I went to a meeting last weekend with an old friend who's fairly recently fallen off the wagon. It was good. It was great to talk to him on a real level, not at a party, not at a show, about real life and issues important to our life and our sobriety. He was surprised that not only wasn't I going to the agnostics meetings but that I was actually going to meetings in a church. He told me that he'd been wondering how I'd been dealing with the "God issue" that is at the heart of AA. I told him I'd given up, like so many people before me, "my way" was not working. I was not staying sober. I couldn't do it. So I decided "what the hell, I'm just going to pray. It can't hurt, right?" And when it felt weird I just pushed through it. I told myself, if I can't pray for real, then I'll pretend to pray. If I can't surrender for real then I'll pretend to surrender. And I guess it worked.

I feel like a different person than I was two months ago. I'm calmer, much more serene, I'm much less self-concious and always afraid of saying the wrong thing. I feel more graceful and more comfortable just being in the world. I'm more generous and gentler with other people. I'm not nearly as focused on my own ego as I was. I told him "I'm not big into the bible, and I don't know that I ever will be; I'm just really big into God." And that's what feels really "right" right now.

Also, John and I just started watching season one of The West Wing. This show is amazing--I'm in love with it. Suzie, not so much, way too much angry talk for her liking.