Desire. Ask. Believe. Receive.

I've been seriously sick for the past week. I can hardly work, in fact I'm not working today, and my parenting sucks. I know I know, it'll pass; I've only got a month or so of it to go but it's not any fun. It almost feels like depression. It's so hard to get out of bed. I have a hard time smiling. I don't want to go to work. I can hardly deal with talking with anyone because I'm so short tempered and mean spirited.

Anyway, I'm really not up to writing now but though I'd check in.

BTW, the "Jonas Brothers" or something are on Ellen right now and they seriously suck.

Seriously.

and just haven't been able to make it happen. It's been a looooooong week. Long. Really long. I'll give the abridged version because I'm just not up to writing out all the tedious details.

It started last Tuesday with a family trip up north for my grandmother's funeral. This is an emotional thing! She was 96 and had lived a long and happily devout life but funerals are never (well, rarely a fun time). I was looking forward to seeing a lot of people that I hadn't seen in a while but was pretty nervous about having to mediate between my parents and sister who haven't spoken since 2001. My sister is heartbroken about this estrangement and my parents are stubbornly refusing to reconsider; I was not looking forward to having to deal with this and was somewhere, deep inside, looking for a way to bury my head in the sand.

Like most families, mine comes complete with diametrically opposed political views. Now, in my opinion, a funeral is not the time to go into those differences, but this is a heated election year and people have a lot to say about things. So, in summary so far...I'm at a funeral, I'm surrounded by extended family, I'm mediating between my parents and sister, and I'm attempting to avoid any political debate during a time of grief. What could make this week even yet still more fun? (tmi alert for any male readers) I started bleeding bright red blood Tuesday night.

So, in the middle of all this turmoil it looks like I'm having a miscarriage.

And to add further stress, upon my return home on Thursday and my trip the ob/gyn, I was told they really wouldn't know anything until an ultrasound the following Tuesday; they did quite a bit of blood work and it was moderately discouraging/useless as it was just a baseline. So, and please forgive any perceived melodrama, I spent the next 5 days wondering if the baby I was carrying was dead or alive. I was still having enough pregnancy symptoms to know that something was still in there; I just didn't know if it was viable. It was a real bummer of a weekend. I did my best to focus on the present and to be ok with whatever was.

Good times.

So yeah, I'd through about posting and just didn't have the energy. I was tired. I was depressed. I was worried. I was totally overwhelmed. And I just couldn't get it together to post.

But...fast forward to yesterday, GOOD NEWS!! I went in for the u/s and things look good. My heart sank when the tech told me that she wouldn't be able to tell me anything and that it would be two or three days until my doctor got back to me with the results. Ugh... More waiting. However, she was kind enough that when she found what she was looking for, namely a bean sized little person with a visibly beating heart, she turned the monitor towards me so I could see for myself. THANK YOU ULTRASONAGRAPHER!!! So much relief. So much gratitude. So much happiness.

So there we are; there's my week. It was long. It was tough. It was tedious. Oh! But the really cool part? I totally didn't drink. Not even a big deal. Even when I thought I'd lost the baby and therefore was "only" sober for myself I didn't go there. I'm so grateful for my sobriety. It's such an amazing thing.

I woke up at 6 in the morning on Saturday ready.to.garden. It was dark. It was rainy. It was 6 a.m. No matter! I was out digging up rocks, tilling, building the soil, and had my lettuce and spinach plot planted before the fam woke up at 7:30. Funny right? I love nesting.

Not much to report here, just felt like checking in I guess.

So, here's the scoop; I'm so very newly pregnant, really I shouldn't even be talking about it yet, but this is my blog, right? This is where I can actually talk about how excited I am, even already!

It's funny; Suzie was SUCH a challenging baby, straight from three months of colic into just a constant high needs, spirited kid (I clearly remember the months of wearing her 7-10 hours a day, just to keep her from crying) there was NO way I was putting myself through that again! I went from dreaming quiverful dreams to looking into getting my tubes ties in just 8 short months. But here I am, excited to death at the arrival of this next bundle. I can't wait to cuddle and nurse that tiny newborn body!!! Does that sound weird? Probably to anybody who hasn't ever or who didn't have a great experience nursing but I just loved it so much. I loved being that close to my little one.

Work is work. It's mundane and stupid. I'm going to do my best though to hold out. It's only till November after all. My little election day bundle of joy. :)

I think there might be three of you--do you remember about 4 years ago when I got really depressed and felt like my life was falling apart and that I was losing everything I'd worked for? Remember then how I wrote a blog explaining the unexpected cause of all of my exhaustion and mood-swingyness?

:) :) :)

Yea! It's the same amazing news--we've got a new addition to our family in the works! I'm so completely excited and ecstatic; so totally happy right now. I'm estimating the due date to be around the 9th of November so I'm super duper early and have a loooong way to go, but here's hoping for as beautiful a pregnancy as last time.

A co-worker from our corporate office just walked by my desk and saw a picture of my daughter. He asked how old she was and when I said "she just turned three" he said "WHAT are you doing here?" Nicely of course, and with a smile, but he was truly incredulous that I'd be spending this amazing time of my daughter's development here at this job.

And now I'm crying again.

My pink cloud puked all over me this week. My motivation is gone. I'm still sober, and happily so, but I'm so unhappy in my job and Suzie is at a really tough spot developmentally. I've been trying to pray even more, and I believe it to be good, but I'm not seeing the immediate rewards that I had been over the last two months. I guess that's a standard personality trait of an addict though, the need for immediate gratification.

I so need out of my job. People ask me what I want to be doing instead and that's the problem--I don't really know! My friend Claire had some great suggestions for me yesterday in the retail sector and I was really excited about them, until I remembered the crazy schedule that often defines retail work; one of the definite positives of my current position is the 8-5 schedule. It's all a trade off I guess. I just know there has to be a job out there for me; one that feeds my soul and makes a positive difference in the world; and one absolutely that doesn't fill me with loathing and make me cry every day on my commute in. Right? I've been praying, not about finding a new job specifically, but about finding peace in what is and also about keeping my eyes and my heart open to seeing the possibilities for new opportunities around me.

It was so bad this morning though that I actually thought "I wish I hadn't made the mistake of starting a family because I'd rather die then go into that terrible place again." I guess I could be thankful that I've got an amazing family to save my life.

Suzie. She loves me to death. This is so sweet. She absolutely cannot get enough of me. She cries when I leave, she stays snuggled on me most of the night. I do love being so connected to her. The tough part is that she actively dislikes pretty much everyone else. If anyone else looks at her to talks to her or touches her while I'm around she will fly into hysterics. My mood was so fragile that when she climbed into my bed at 5 this morning and her dad tried to help her into her place and she went into a rage, I completely lost it and cried for an hour--while she slept peacefully. :(

But, and this is a big one, I am still sober. And honestly not even really thinking about drinking. I mean, it has occurred to me, but not so much as a way to relieve the stress, more as a way of revenge (against WHO???) or perhaps even a way of killing myself. Which I know I don't want to do. I just hate my job so much. My husband has such an amazing work ethic. He hates his job as much as I do, but for him quitting is not an option; we've got a mortgage and Montessori fees to pay. I know he's right. Our home and Suzie's education are so important. But what about our mental health--where does that fit in? How is it ok that I actually want to end my life (which I'd never do, ok? Don't worry anybody, please, I'm not actually going to DO it, it's just words to describe how absolutely miserable I am...) just so that I don't have to go to my job anymore?

I just feel so taken advantage of. I've found this at every job I've ever worked at. They always start out so well you know? I'm meeting new people and learning new things, but then always, right around the one year mark, they start putting more and more responsibility on you; which is OK, to a point. I'm so frustrated now; I'm effectivly doing the work of two people, my boss has been given other projects (and is working 10 hour days himself) which leaves me to do essentially all the purchasing, all the accounts payable, and 75% of the meeting and negotiating with vendors, as well as filling in at the receptionist desk (because her position was cut), and doing a twice weekly physical inventory, AND coming for three hours one Saturday a month to key the plant inventory. All for the same amount of money--which was low to freaking begin with!!! How much can I take? My boss is telling me to steady myself for more but I'm already so in the weeds. I'm really at the end of my rope. I'm so fragile and emotional right now that I feel like I'm gonna either walk or cry if anybody so much as looks at me. Not a strong place to be.

Something has to change.

LONG GREEN IMPROVED CUCUMBER
BABY OAKLEAF LETTUCE
GARDEN HUCKLEBERRY
BLACK HUNGARIAN PEPPER,
BURAN PEPPER,
CALIFORNIA WONDER PEPPER,
BLOOMSDALE LONG STANDING SPINACH
BANANA LEGS TOMATO
BLACK PLUM TOMATO
CHERRY ROMA TOMATO
BASIL, GENOVESE, BASIL, SWEET
LAVENDER, ENGLISH
OREGANO, GREEK
PEPPERMINT
ROSEMARY
SAGE
THYME, ENGLISH

Coolness, yes? And even better, they're all heirloom and not at all connected to Montsanto. I'm so excited to get started. I haven't had a garden since Suzie was born--my plot has become weed infested and root bound and every time I set out to work it I'd get about 1/8th done and then get discouraged. So two weekends ago I just tore the whole thing out. I'll let it turn back into lawn and put a garden somewhere else. My perfectionism has stymied me for too damn long--I'm so excited for a fresh start.

So this year it's all about containers. A ton of them. They seem much less overwhelming to me and I'm all about finding comfort in gardening, not beating myself down. Maybe next year I'll get into the square-foot gardening thing, or something bigger, but for this year I'll have an amazing salad garden and rosemary shrubs for my cats to walk through and keep my house smelling amazing.