Thursday, August 09, 2007
I fucked up. Big Time.
It takes a real special person to cheat in an open relationship. Real special. And that's me--I'm the special one. To be fair, it's not like I meant to cheat. I just didn't mention the details of what was happening. I felt sure that John didn't want me to go ahead with my intentions and I didn't want to hear it. Perhaps this was an unfair assumption. As he pointed out this morning, and as I can see in hindsight, he was practically begging me to talk about it and fill him in. Whether that means he would have been ok with the situation is unclear, but regardless, the fact is that I should have mentioned it--I was supposed to mention it--and I didn't. I had so many good (and bad) reasons for not talking about it but fear and pride and will kept me from doing the right thing. I feel horrible. John feels betrayed and pissed off and sad. I feel like such an loser. I mean, open relationship 101--talk about what the fuck you're doing.
I guess underlying the whole thing is the fact that John just isn't comfortable with the open thing. For a lot of reasons probably. It's frustrating though, I mean are we in an open relationship or not? I broke the rules by not talking about it and I completely understand his feelings, but if I was that scared to bring it up for fear of upsetting him than what kind of open relationship is this?
And what's crazy is that I haven't even been with another man since before Suzie was born until this week! And I wasn't even with this guy in the sense that you might be assuming--we just talked and listened to music and made out a little. As guilty and bad about the whole thing as I feel, I'm still feeling like there's a double standard as to who's allowed to do what and with whom. I mean, he sees people occasionally and I rarely give him any trouble about it, and he's done some stupid stuff that has brought more than his share of drama into the relationship. Not recently, mind you, but neither have I--minus this one stupid incident.
I guess the fact is that if he's not comfortable with an open relationship then I really need to look at that and we really need to talk about it. But god damn I'm not good at monogamy. I think that's what's the hardest for him. Like, John, he could really take the whole thing or leave it. I mean, he's a guy, of course he likes the opportunity to score other chicks, but I think if he could just have a great sexual relationship with me for the rest of his life he'd be more than happy--at least for the forseeable future. I, on the other hand, NEED a connection with other men. Not too often, but occasionally, and seriously. I start to get depressed and bored with life if I don't have active, energetic crush happening ever so often. It's totally different and I can absolutely see how it would be tough for his ego.
So I don't know. I had a really good week flirting with this new guy. It was fun to feel that energy again, but I was carrying around this constant feeling of discontent because I knew I needed to be talking to John about it and couldn't seem to bring it up. Anyway, I'm not going to keep flogging myself. I fucked up, I apologized, we discussed. He's got hurt feelings and that's not going to change probably for a while. I guess I've just go to learn from this and move on. I'm not sure what direction our relationship is going to turn at this point.
It's just all so irritating. When I envision my perfect life it's soooo Little House. Me and my big family working hard and loving each other to peices. It's hard to reconcile that with getting drunk and making out with musicians. I mean, I feel like I don't want to have put myself into a little box, but want to be just me--happy with whatever decision I make.
I need to work a little more now.
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I guess underlying the whole thing is the fact that John just isn't comfortable with the open thing. For a lot of reasons probably. It's frustrating though, I mean are we in an open relationship or not? I broke the rules by not talking about it and I completely understand his feelings, but if I was that scared to bring it up for fear of upsetting him than what kind of open relationship is this?
And what's crazy is that I haven't even been with another man since before Suzie was born until this week! And I wasn't even with this guy in the sense that you might be assuming--we just talked and listened to music and made out a little. As guilty and bad about the whole thing as I feel, I'm still feeling like there's a double standard as to who's allowed to do what and with whom. I mean, he sees people occasionally and I rarely give him any trouble about it, and he's done some stupid stuff that has brought more than his share of drama into the relationship. Not recently, mind you, but neither have I--minus this one stupid incident.
I guess the fact is that if he's not comfortable with an open relationship then I really need to look at that and we really need to talk about it. But god damn I'm not good at monogamy. I think that's what's the hardest for him. Like, John, he could really take the whole thing or leave it. I mean, he's a guy, of course he likes the opportunity to score other chicks, but I think if he could just have a great sexual relationship with me for the rest of his life he'd be more than happy--at least for the forseeable future. I, on the other hand, NEED a connection with other men. Not too often, but occasionally, and seriously. I start to get depressed and bored with life if I don't have active, energetic crush happening ever so often. It's totally different and I can absolutely see how it would be tough for his ego.
So I don't know. I had a really good week flirting with this new guy. It was fun to feel that energy again, but I was carrying around this constant feeling of discontent because I knew I needed to be talking to John about it and couldn't seem to bring it up. Anyway, I'm not going to keep flogging myself. I fucked up, I apologized, we discussed. He's got hurt feelings and that's not going to change probably for a while. I guess I've just go to learn from this and move on. I'm not sure what direction our relationship is going to turn at this point.
It's just all so irritating. When I envision my perfect life it's soooo Little House. Me and my big family working hard and loving each other to peices. It's hard to reconcile that with getting drunk and making out with musicians. I mean, I feel like I don't want to have put myself into a little box, but want to be just me--happy with whatever decision I make.
I need to work a little more now.
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