Desire. Ask. Believe. Receive.

I'm sick to death of feeling like I can't live up to John's expectations. For the longest time I've carried around this feeling of inadequacy, like I'm lacking because I don't keep the house clean enough or work out enough or cook the right meals or spend little enough money or have the right sex drive for the right people; and don't get me wrong, these are all good things, but honestly, at a core level, I'm pretty happy with the way I live my life and I'm so very tired of feeling like it's not good enough. Like if I could just change this one thing maybe he'd be happy enough that the other stuff could slide for awhile. I'm just coming to realize that it's never going to be enough.

Well, I suppose it might be enough if I got a new job, worked harder at it, kept the house much cleaner, stopped buying dresses and makeup, never drank unless he was in the mood, had eyes only for him, had a killer sex drive, and got rid of the dog. Maybe then it would be enough. Doesn't sound that hard, does it? Maybe I could work on it more. But that's the thing--I have been working on it, for years and years and years. Sometimes I'm better at parts of it than others but the fact is that I'm constantly working on improving things about myself that he wants improved. I'm so tired of it. I'm so tired.

I mean, to be honest, I'm tired for other reasons too. I'm getting up an hour and half earlier to take care of the dog and work out--which minus the dog he's wanted me to do anyway so I'm not sure why he's not happier about that. And I do get that it's an emotional strain on him that I've got a new guy in my life and that's pretty much a given for me, at least from time to time. I absolutely get that something like that would be challenging for a person; but I don't know, I feel like it's also just one more thing for him to grab onto and be unsatisfied with me about.

He's so depressed. He's so unhappy with his life. Some of it's his fault. Some of it's mine. But how responsible am I for his happiness, especially when his happiness comes from my working my ass off to be a different person. I mean, I want to keep our life together but if he wants a different person so bad then maybe he should find one. Cause it's really horrible to be constantly reminded that you're not it.