Friday, October 20, 2006
I was ovulating last week.
That's clearly the only reason I was so caught up in the physical and the mundane all week long. Putting on eyeliner, control top hosiery, making eyes at the guys at work...This week it's totally like "get up, get dressed, whatever, and could you please step away from my desk while you're at it? It makes me crazy how quickly I jump from one astral focus to the next though, it makes it feel impossible to actually know myself. Maybe I should just be ok with that. I mean, who said I had to be either "slutty party girl" or "silent spiritulist?" Maybe I can just be ok with flipping back and forth for awhile...
I guess that's all I have to say right now.
I'm tired. Ooooh, here it comes again...I feel dissatisfied with my life. (this is soooo cyclical). I have my period and feel at once exhausted with life and the prospect of making anything of mine. I'm tired of being hit on at work, I'm tired of my going nowhere friends; I want to travel and write and learn and change and feel passionate about what I do for a living. Mostly I want to be a good mom to Suzie though and I can't do any of that if I'm off in some Ashram in India for months at a time. I need to somehow reconcile my need to run with the fact that I've been gifted with this amazing daughter and I need to do all I can for her.
One cool thing that I've essentially forgotten for the past decade is that an an Antioch alumnus (alumni? I think the singular is nus...) I can audit any class offered (that's got a space open) for free. Not for credit of course but I couldn't care any less about credit. I thought maybe I'd start in the winter but I don't really want to be commuting to Seattle once a week once the weather hits. Come spring though I think that could be a viable option.
In the meantime though I'm thinking that my goal is to figure out how to be happy with what I have. I need to stop running and constantly looking for more and instead find the more in what I already have. How deep is that?
kinda bored now. I'm going to go read for an hour until I can go home.
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I guess that's all I have to say right now.
I'm tired. Ooooh, here it comes again...I feel dissatisfied with my life. (this is soooo cyclical). I have my period and feel at once exhausted with life and the prospect of making anything of mine. I'm tired of being hit on at work, I'm tired of my going nowhere friends; I want to travel and write and learn and change and feel passionate about what I do for a living. Mostly I want to be a good mom to Suzie though and I can't do any of that if I'm off in some Ashram in India for months at a time. I need to somehow reconcile my need to run with the fact that I've been gifted with this amazing daughter and I need to do all I can for her.
One cool thing that I've essentially forgotten for the past decade is that an an Antioch alumnus (alumni? I think the singular is nus...) I can audit any class offered (that's got a space open) for free. Not for credit of course but I couldn't care any less about credit. I thought maybe I'd start in the winter but I don't really want to be commuting to Seattle once a week once the weather hits. Come spring though I think that could be a viable option.
In the meantime though I'm thinking that my goal is to figure out how to be happy with what I have. I need to stop running and constantly looking for more and instead find the more in what I already have. How deep is that?
kinda bored now. I'm going to go read for an hour until I can go home.
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