Thursday, October 26, 2006
Depressed and angsty.
Blah. I'm tired, I can't break this diet plateau, I'm drinking too much, I have no motivation, the same makeup application that last week made me look tousled and sexy today makes me looked like a burnt-out 20-something junkie college student. I just want some damn excitement and energy. I fell asleep meditating on it last night, I guess I was expecting to wake up more hopeful. Maybe it's just too soon. Maybe I just need to keep praying and meditating on finding my goal/path to meaning for longer than one night. Ya think?
My attention span is just so relatively short though and I'm such a slave to my cycle that I'll give up because I'll hit that week-long span or so where all I care about is sex with as many people as possible and I'll get knocked straight back to go, without collecting my $200. I'm just so tired of this same pattern, over and over and over. I read all the right books, you know? I do so many of the right things and yet here I am, writing the same entry I wrote 6 months ago and a year ago and five years ago and at this point even 10 and 15 years ago. 15 fucking years I've been doing the same things, having the same thoughts, and dealing with my issues in exactly the same way. At this point I'm feeling like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day--why bother making any changes, obviously nothing is ever going to change. Though I guess he perseveres and takes the high road and attempts to make it as good as he can and eventually he does break through it, but I'm just so tired. Today I want to steel Punxatawny Phil and drive off a cliff.
1 Comment(s)
My attention span is just so relatively short though and I'm such a slave to my cycle that I'll give up because I'll hit that week-long span or so where all I care about is sex with as many people as possible and I'll get knocked straight back to go, without collecting my $200. I'm just so tired of this same pattern, over and over and over. I read all the right books, you know? I do so many of the right things and yet here I am, writing the same entry I wrote 6 months ago and a year ago and five years ago and at this point even 10 and 15 years ago. 15 fucking years I've been doing the same things, having the same thoughts, and dealing with my issues in exactly the same way. At this point I'm feeling like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day--why bother making any changes, obviously nothing is ever going to change. Though I guess he perseveres and takes the high road and attempts to make it as good as he can and eventually he does break through it, but I'm just so tired. Today I want to steel Punxatawny Phil and drive off a cliff.
Comments:
It's really too bad that your husband doesn't leave you for another woman. Let me tell you, there's nothing to give you more of a kick-in-the-ass jumpstart in questioning and rethinking every aspect of your life! Ha ha.
But seriously, a friend once mentioned a book to me that talked about how when we are the peak of our cycles our bodies are yearning to create (specifically a new person) and since she's not looking to have a dozen kids, she channels that into other kinds of creativity. Have you ever considered trying to channel that energy that you feel into some other kind of creative act?
Groundhog Day is one of my favorite movies ever. :-)
Post a CommentBut seriously, a friend once mentioned a book to me that talked about how when we are the peak of our cycles our bodies are yearning to create (specifically a new person) and since she's not looking to have a dozen kids, she channels that into other kinds of creativity. Have you ever considered trying to channel that energy that you feel into some other kind of creative act?
Groundhog Day is one of my favorite movies ever. :-)
