Desire. Ask. Believe. Receive.

More than a few, as of late, actually. "It's better to regret the things you have done than to regret those that you haven't," right? Isn't that what some wise person said in some college graduation speech? I've always really appreciated that sentiment and have chosen not to regret some/many of my choices and actions over the years that many would have and indeed have found unsavory, chalking them up to good learning and of getting me to where I am today--happy, educated, and with a perfect husband and child. But what of all the things I HAVEN'T done, what of those? I'm most definitely getting to some sort of early mid-life crisis, thinking about what my life is not and whether it's too late to get it to where I want.

I was reading a family letter from a set of John's extended relatives. Their daughter is 19 and attending Seton Hall, studying diplomacy, and spending her weekends exploring New York City and working as a debate team referee. I spent my 19th year studying what I had to in order to receive a positive evaluation, working as an office assistant, and boning as many people as possible--mostly under the influence of gallons upon gallons of Boone's Farm Sangria. And that, in sum, was the first three years of my undergraduate education.

By the time I was a senior I was a bit more focused. I was working through a graduate-level, very dynamic Psych program and getting things in order to attend a well-recognized graduate school. That's good and I'm proud of that, but where did it get me? I chose my course of study poorly. I did well in it and found good work in my field after receiving my master's, but again, what of it? It wasn't work I enjoyed doing or received any excitement from; here in the northwest a master's in Psych or Social Work is a dime a dozen. Having no interest in doing private practice or case management leaves me very few options for actually using my degree.

What if.

What if I'd chosen a "real" school. What if I'd left the state and put more effort into studying the hard sciences, or business, or I don't know, anything else really. I wouldn't have met John when I was 18. I wouldn't have had him to support me through learning so much more about who I am than I ever thought possible. I wouldn't have had my beautiful Suzie. But what would I have had instead? Maybe something just as good? Maybe my mind would have been stimulated enough that I wouldn't have had to fill my time with intoxicants and men? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe I would have lived the same unhealthy lifestyle in some big city and gotten myself raped and killed. Of course it's all impossible to know and I've always been a big proponent of believing things happen for a reason, but still, I'm thinking a lot about that stuff these days. A lot about it, and I can't honestly say I have no regrets anymore.