Thursday, June 15, 2006
I'm actively trying to lose control. I really am.
I'm so tired of being in complete control of my body all the time. It's so exhausting. I'm constantly controlling the set of my jaw, the level of my gaze, the straightness of my shoulders, the sucked-in-ness of my stomach, the swing of my arms. Every bit of me is under constant self-scrutiny and control. Even when I'm dancing, maybe especially when I'm dancing, everything is just so controlled. I don't dance anymore unless it's to a steady 4/4 hip-hop or dance beat and even when I'm totally wasted, I'm still in control, I'm just dancing a little sluttier. Like I said, it's just so exhausting.
I've been reading a new book called Sweat Your Prayers by Gabrielle Roth. She's the woman who developed the 5 rhythms theory of movement that I've been interested in but far too deeply scared to checkout for a few years now. She's really got me thinking about movement and the world and how I allow, or don't allow, myself to move through it. Part of her approach has to do with dancing, often, letting yourself go while paying close attention to exactly how your body is doing and how IT feels like dancing.
As I've mentioned, when it comes to dancing, especially in public, it's extremely rare that I'm not doing something sexy; either hip-hop stuff or something Latin, it's always got hips and it's usually more for the benefit of others than it is for myself. This book has really got me thinking about movement and all the different ways of moving to music, many of which are entirely NOT sexy. It's really quite liberating, like I'm hearing music for the first time. Driving home from work yesterday I kept the radio on one station, one that I normally wouldn't bother with, and listened deeply to every song, especially the ones that I was most inclined to skip. I thought about ways to dance to each individual song and visualized myself doing it.
It was amazing! I couldn't wait to get home and dance. I couldn't wait to get home and let my body express something, anything, besides sexuality. I felt like a kid who had been given permission to skip school and run wild all day. It was so exciting. I'm still kind of riding it. I hate that I'm stuck here at work today--I really just want to be home dancing and cuddling with Suzie.
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I've been reading a new book called Sweat Your Prayers by Gabrielle Roth. She's the woman who developed the 5 rhythms theory of movement that I've been interested in but far too deeply scared to checkout for a few years now. She's really got me thinking about movement and the world and how I allow, or don't allow, myself to move through it. Part of her approach has to do with dancing, often, letting yourself go while paying close attention to exactly how your body is doing and how IT feels like dancing.
As I've mentioned, when it comes to dancing, especially in public, it's extremely rare that I'm not doing something sexy; either hip-hop stuff or something Latin, it's always got hips and it's usually more for the benefit of others than it is for myself. This book has really got me thinking about movement and all the different ways of moving to music, many of which are entirely NOT sexy. It's really quite liberating, like I'm hearing music for the first time. Driving home from work yesterday I kept the radio on one station, one that I normally wouldn't bother with, and listened deeply to every song, especially the ones that I was most inclined to skip. I thought about ways to dance to each individual song and visualized myself doing it.
It was amazing! I couldn't wait to get home and dance. I couldn't wait to get home and let my body express something, anything, besides sexuality. I felt like a kid who had been given permission to skip school and run wild all day. It was so exciting. I'm still kind of riding it. I hate that I'm stuck here at work today--I really just want to be home dancing and cuddling with Suzie.
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