Desire. Ask. Believe. Receive.

One of my very best friends told me today that she'd been in the hospital last week for a ruptured ectopic pregnancy. My heart is so sad for her, she hadn't known that she was pregnant and hadn't, up until this point, even known if she was able to become pregnant. While she was under the knife for surgery the doctor had to do quite a bit of internal cleanup as it turns out that when her appendix burst and was removed when she was a newborn, most of her internal organs has fused together and were horribly misplaced within her abdomen. Weird, huh? And she never knew--she's never been in the hospital before or had any sort of gynological issues requiring any professional to take a good look in there.

My main point though is that she's in a lot of physical and emotional pain. Her internal organs have all but been disconjoined and she's had a sizable incision. BUT, and here's the part that makes me feel damaged, she confided in me today that she was worried she put her recovery in jeopardy by having sex with her boyfriend yesterday. Get this, she KNEW it was dangerous--BUT SHE JUST COULDN'T HELP IT--SHE HAD TO DO IT!!!

I'm not criticizing her--absolutely not. I'm so happy for her that she's still so in love/lust with her partner that even in such a difficult time they had to rent a hotel room so they could go at it. I feel so damaged that I have so absolutely little sex drive. I feel so guilty and horrible about it. John deserves to have a healthy sexual relationship with his wife and it kills me that for so long I haven't been able to give it to him.

My friend suggested I take some female viagra or something. I told her I couldn't because I'm still nursing but that I did intent to in the next 6 months or so once Susie is weaned. She asked if I'd talked to my doctor to see if there was something safe to take while nursing.

DUH!?! Why am I such a dumbass? No, I haven't even thought about asking my doctor. God knows I'm not a pharmacologist, for all I know female viagra or the like may be completely safe to take while nursing--what do I know? So, thanks to my smarty-pants friend I'm going to call my doc tomorrow and see what he has to say about it.

Cool, yeah? I'm very excited about it! Well, you know, not excited excited, but happy, and maybe that will lead to something more.