Monday, February 06, 2006
Sunny, sunny day--life is beautiful!
Doesn't take much to get me feeling the love for life, does it? It's gorgeous today and it's supposed to last for at least a week?!? That's awesome! Suzie and I met a friend and her toddler in town, went for a long walk, and played at a quiet little park with some little girls and their 8 week old chocolate lab for a few hours this morning. I wouldn't normally have scheduled anything for so early (10...) in the morning, but I did and even THAT worked out well. How's this for nice, Suzie slept until nearly 8:30 this morning, we met in town at 10, got home around 12 and now she's down for a nap, giving me a chance to write for a few minutes.
She's actually been a real bear for the past few days and I need a day like this now and again to remind me of how much fun having a toddler can be. I feel a little guilty for saying that though, well actually a lot guilty, considering what my other friend is going through this week. She ended up not having to end her daughter's life support, her daughter passed even with it. She ended up having a stroke, completely unrelated to her heart condition, just a freak thing, but her weak heart couldn't keep up with the medications and just the added stress on her little body was too much for her.
It's so horrible I keep kind of not letting my self go there. I get too overcome with grief and find myself feeling kind of self-destructive and "what's it all worth" about it all. That's why I had to get out of social service, I just internalize everything way too much. My friend told me the whole story of the baby's last night, last hour, what happened after she died, all of it, but I just don't want to type it out and think of it so clinically right now. I'm just amazed at her strength and don't know if I could handle it as well as she is.
Wow, I didn't really mean to go there with this entry. I guess that's the thing about stream of consciousness writing though. You generally go straight to what's on your mind and obviously that's pretty high on my list these days. The funeral's tomorrow. There's a viewing before but I don't think I can deal with that. My friend was talking about how difficult it was to find a small enough casket and that about knocked me over, I just can't see her laying there, still so small.
She was such a sweet, funny little girl. So good natured, she had no idea yet about her disabilities. Maybe it's better? I don't know, people always say that but I don't know if it's just a way to deal with the pain of it all.
You know, I really don't want to keep writing about this but I feel like it would be disrespectful to go back to talking about what a lovely day it is when my friend's family is suffering so. John and I just had a talk about this the other night, about how I internalize everything and feel sad about things because I feel guilty or disrespectful to be laughing or having a frivolous time when so many people are suffering. He said it wasn't doing those that are suffering any good to have me suffer along with them of my own volition. I know he's right, but I really believe the world would be a much better place if more people were truly more aware, on a physical level, of the suffering of others. People would be a lot less likely to hurt other people in any way if they they could feel in their own minds and bodies the suffering that they were causing.
But I guess the fact is that most people don't and my choosing to feel that much isn't going to make them any more aware, so all I'm really doing is causing myself pain because I'm not really doing anything else tangible to stop their suffering in any real way. I don't have any money to donate, I don't volunteer my time anywhere meaningful. I take care of my family and try to instill those values in them and in the people I have contact with but really, maybe I should just lighten up a little bit. I'd probably have a better time of it if I did...
I wonder how long I have until Suzie wakes up. I should go do a project.
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She's actually been a real bear for the past few days and I need a day like this now and again to remind me of how much fun having a toddler can be. I feel a little guilty for saying that though, well actually a lot guilty, considering what my other friend is going through this week. She ended up not having to end her daughter's life support, her daughter passed even with it. She ended up having a stroke, completely unrelated to her heart condition, just a freak thing, but her weak heart couldn't keep up with the medications and just the added stress on her little body was too much for her.
It's so horrible I keep kind of not letting my self go there. I get too overcome with grief and find myself feeling kind of self-destructive and "what's it all worth" about it all. That's why I had to get out of social service, I just internalize everything way too much. My friend told me the whole story of the baby's last night, last hour, what happened after she died, all of it, but I just don't want to type it out and think of it so clinically right now. I'm just amazed at her strength and don't know if I could handle it as well as she is.
Wow, I didn't really mean to go there with this entry. I guess that's the thing about stream of consciousness writing though. You generally go straight to what's on your mind and obviously that's pretty high on my list these days. The funeral's tomorrow. There's a viewing before but I don't think I can deal with that. My friend was talking about how difficult it was to find a small enough casket and that about knocked me over, I just can't see her laying there, still so small.
She was such a sweet, funny little girl. So good natured, she had no idea yet about her disabilities. Maybe it's better? I don't know, people always say that but I don't know if it's just a way to deal with the pain of it all.
You know, I really don't want to keep writing about this but I feel like it would be disrespectful to go back to talking about what a lovely day it is when my friend's family is suffering so. John and I just had a talk about this the other night, about how I internalize everything and feel sad about things because I feel guilty or disrespectful to be laughing or having a frivolous time when so many people are suffering. He said it wasn't doing those that are suffering any good to have me suffer along with them of my own volition. I know he's right, but I really believe the world would be a much better place if more people were truly more aware, on a physical level, of the suffering of others. People would be a lot less likely to hurt other people in any way if they they could feel in their own minds and bodies the suffering that they were causing.
But I guess the fact is that most people don't and my choosing to feel that much isn't going to make them any more aware, so all I'm really doing is causing myself pain because I'm not really doing anything else tangible to stop their suffering in any real way. I don't have any money to donate, I don't volunteer my time anywhere meaningful. I take care of my family and try to instill those values in them and in the people I have contact with but really, maybe I should just lighten up a little bit. I'd probably have a better time of it if I did...
I wonder how long I have until Suzie wakes up. I should go do a project.
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