Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Life decisions.
Nearly every day I make the conscious decision to live a fuller, more authentic life. By this I mean that I intend to start living for the moment, to not get bogged down in the mundane, and to live freely and independent from fear--especially the fear around how I am seen/not seen in interpersonal relationships. Nearly every day I try to free myself from cowering and stammering and not telling the world how I feel.
And nearly every day I fail.
Harsh toke dude, seriously. I'm so fearful of upsetting the people in my life, primarily my crazy friend and my crazy father, that I bite my tongue and don't say what I need to say, or worse yet, when I do speak, my voice actually comes out differently, passionless and almost babylike. It disgusts me but despite my near daily intention to change it I constantly, repeatedly, over and over and over find myself living in exactly the same way.
I really really hate it. And I've failed so many times that I feel completely helpless to change it. I don't even know how to change it. It's kind of like women who diet and diet and diet and it never works, eventually they just figure they're "supposed" to be that way and give up. I started to have a moment of clarity about the whole thing this morning and within 5 minutes of feeling empowered felt myself mentally shut down--mostly because I don't know how to go about making the change to begin with.
In the past I've always decided that when faced with situations or conversations that I was uncomfortable with I just needed to sit back for a moment, collect my thoughts, and then say what was honestly and truthfully on my mind. My history has shown me though that I need more than that. I need some kind of assistance or motivation or something. I need to somehow not be scared of pissing anybody off. I don't know why I'm so scared of that.
I can't go into it anymore right now as the baby just woke up.
Hmmm.
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And nearly every day I fail.
Harsh toke dude, seriously. I'm so fearful of upsetting the people in my life, primarily my crazy friend and my crazy father, that I bite my tongue and don't say what I need to say, or worse yet, when I do speak, my voice actually comes out differently, passionless and almost babylike. It disgusts me but despite my near daily intention to change it I constantly, repeatedly, over and over and over find myself living in exactly the same way.
I really really hate it. And I've failed so many times that I feel completely helpless to change it. I don't even know how to change it. It's kind of like women who diet and diet and diet and it never works, eventually they just figure they're "supposed" to be that way and give up. I started to have a moment of clarity about the whole thing this morning and within 5 minutes of feeling empowered felt myself mentally shut down--mostly because I don't know how to go about making the change to begin with.
In the past I've always decided that when faced with situations or conversations that I was uncomfortable with I just needed to sit back for a moment, collect my thoughts, and then say what was honestly and truthfully on my mind. My history has shown me though that I need more than that. I need some kind of assistance or motivation or something. I need to somehow not be scared of pissing anybody off. I don't know why I'm so scared of that.
I can't go into it anymore right now as the baby just woke up.
Hmmm.
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