Wednesday, February 08, 2006
I'd give my soul for a backbone right about now.
I didn't post yesterday because all I really had on my mind was more frustrations with my dad and I knew if I did sit down to write I wouldn't be able to get anything authentic out aside from that stuff and I just didn't want to go there. Luckily for us all my crazy friend decided to grace her children with her presence after two coked out weeks in Southern California so I have an entirely new set of frustrations to vent about. Bear with me as I've got a lot to say and not a lot of time to do it in so instead of rushing through it I'm just going to get to what I can. I'm really trying to have a calm morning while Suzie naps and don't want to get myself all riled up.
So my friend, I don't know, I guess I'll call her Julie, goes to California every few months or so for the weekend and generally has a pretty fucked up time. I know I've mentioned these trips before, the most notorious being her last trip to a strip club in Tijuana. A few weeks ago she told me that she'd was going this time for at least a week, probably more, and would call me when she got back. My first thought was "how fucking selfish to leave your husband to take care of the three kids and hold down his business while you medicate yourself into nothingness." Then I realized that despite the selfishness of it all, her husband would probably have an overall easier time as he wouldn't be taking care of her MANY MANY MANY needs as well as the kids', nor would he be spending his other "free" time being verbally abused by her.
So she's been gone a couple of weeks, maybe 10 days, and I have to admit, it's been really nice to have her gone. She's just so toxic and difficult to be around, and like the URL of this blog states, I'm much too weak a person to actually break free from her. I guess she got back Sunday night but I didn't know until I stopped by yesterday afternoon. Her husband was going to watch Suzie while we went to my friend's daughter's funeral which was only a couple of blocks away. Julie was sleeping when I got there so I didn't see her until I went to pick up Suzie after the service.
I gotta tell you, Julie was in top fucking form. She was lashing out against my friend who'd lost her daughter, almost to the point of criticizing her for having a funeral for a child because no person should be forced to attend one of those awful things. She went on and on about how three girls from her high school lost babies to SIDS and she swore she'd never attend a baby's funeral. And she hasn't since. I told her that attending the funeral had more to do with my other friend's need to have me there and to pay my freaking respects to her family for her horrible, horrible loss then it was to have a tear free afternoon. She magnanimously replied "whatever, I'm not fucking going."
Well, for one, it's already over, you lunatic. For two, you weren't invited anyway. And for three, yeah, got that. I forgot it's really all about you.
Ugh, it was just so ugly and frustrating. Suzie wasn't ready to leave yet but I grabbed her and left, I just couldn't take another second with this horrible person. Why oh why oh why can't she just take her family and leave my town? Not seeing her for two weeks was so refreshing and now, since she's been back, or at least since I've known she's been back, I've felt icky and stressed and ugly inside.
I work so hard, every single fucking day on improving myself. I try to work out at least once a day, I read spiritual books, I'm trying to make my home as zen-like as possible, but I still keep saddling myself with these relationships that attempt to sabotage all my hard work. It's so frustrating and I have no one to blame but myself. I'm just so weak when it comes to standing up for myself. As I've said before, what do I have to lose by just responding to her honestly when she says such horrible stuff. So I piss her off, so what? Either she learns and grows or she kicks me to the curb, either way is a win, right? Why am I such a loser weakling?
3 Comment(s)
So my friend, I don't know, I guess I'll call her Julie, goes to California every few months or so for the weekend and generally has a pretty fucked up time. I know I've mentioned these trips before, the most notorious being her last trip to a strip club in Tijuana. A few weeks ago she told me that she'd was going this time for at least a week, probably more, and would call me when she got back. My first thought was "how fucking selfish to leave your husband to take care of the three kids and hold down his business while you medicate yourself into nothingness." Then I realized that despite the selfishness of it all, her husband would probably have an overall easier time as he wouldn't be taking care of her MANY MANY MANY needs as well as the kids', nor would he be spending his other "free" time being verbally abused by her.
So she's been gone a couple of weeks, maybe 10 days, and I have to admit, it's been really nice to have her gone. She's just so toxic and difficult to be around, and like the URL of this blog states, I'm much too weak a person to actually break free from her. I guess she got back Sunday night but I didn't know until I stopped by yesterday afternoon. Her husband was going to watch Suzie while we went to my friend's daughter's funeral which was only a couple of blocks away. Julie was sleeping when I got there so I didn't see her until I went to pick up Suzie after the service.
I gotta tell you, Julie was in top fucking form. She was lashing out against my friend who'd lost her daughter, almost to the point of criticizing her for having a funeral for a child because no person should be forced to attend one of those awful things. She went on and on about how three girls from her high school lost babies to SIDS and she swore she'd never attend a baby's funeral. And she hasn't since. I told her that attending the funeral had more to do with my other friend's need to have me there and to pay my freaking respects to her family for her horrible, horrible loss then it was to have a tear free afternoon. She magnanimously replied "whatever, I'm not fucking going."
Well, for one, it's already over, you lunatic. For two, you weren't invited anyway. And for three, yeah, got that. I forgot it's really all about you.
Ugh, it was just so ugly and frustrating. Suzie wasn't ready to leave yet but I grabbed her and left, I just couldn't take another second with this horrible person. Why oh why oh why can't she just take her family and leave my town? Not seeing her for two weeks was so refreshing and now, since she's been back, or at least since I've known she's been back, I've felt icky and stressed and ugly inside.
I work so hard, every single fucking day on improving myself. I try to work out at least once a day, I read spiritual books, I'm trying to make my home as zen-like as possible, but I still keep saddling myself with these relationships that attempt to sabotage all my hard work. It's so frustrating and I have no one to blame but myself. I'm just so weak when it comes to standing up for myself. As I've said before, what do I have to lose by just responding to her honestly when she says such horrible stuff. So I piss her off, so what? Either she learns and grows or she kicks me to the curb, either way is a win, right? Why am I such a loser weakling?
Comments:
How is this person in your life?
She is a powerful teacher... once you get the 'lesson', the power she has over you will release! Maybe she is your sacred teacher of 'backbone-ness!'
It is not easy to walk away from toxic people, it can be excruciatingly hard. But after you do it once, it is easier every time. ((((hugs))))
She is a powerful teacher... once you get the 'lesson', the power she has over you will release! Maybe she is your sacred teacher of 'backbone-ness!'
It is not easy to walk away from toxic people, it can be excruciatingly hard. But after you do it once, it is easier every time. ((((hugs))))
Perhaps Courtney would be a more suitable pseudonym, rather than Julie?
Seriously though, chin up, girl - don't let the bastards grind you down, whether they be spiritual bastards, emotional bastards, or the living, breathing kind.
Post a CommentSeriously though, chin up, girl - don't let the bastards grind you down, whether they be spiritual bastards, emotional bastards, or the living, breathing kind.