Monday, January 30, 2006
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna get a life.
Or at least make the life I have one that I'm ecstatic about. Starting today. Working out is tantamount, finding a part or possibly even full time job is a close second. I'm not happy doing this stay-at-home thing. It's not that I want to give up my time with Suzie but I need to find a balance. You know that quote "if you want to get a project done give it to a busy person."? Well I feel like I'm the opposite of that lately. I feel like I have so little going on that I'm close to incapable of getting it together to get anything done--and that's got to change. So my first baby step is going to be daily work-outs and daily journaling. I know, I know, I've said it all before and I hope I don't fail and end up back here, saying it again a month or two down the road; but today, in the here and now, I mean to stick to it. So bear with me if that means some pretty boring blog entries for the short (or possibly long) term--I'm diving in without my waterwings and it may get a little messy.
I ran into an old friend on Friday. It was pretty awkward as things didn't end well between us. We'd been best friends our freshman year of college and remained on and off close friends through much of our early 20s. We were both young and selfish though and did some pretty tacky things to each other. At this point I've pretty much blocked most of it but if there's one thing that I do remember it's that this woman has the memory of an elephant. She could probably list every terrible thing I did to her, the date of the occurrence, and what color my nails were painted at the time as well. The things she did to me were...I don't know...Sneakier, smarter, cleverer, and more underhanded, but kind of impossible to pinpoint. It was more just in the way she treated me, the things she expected from me, the ways that she manipulated me. She's a genius. And has Borderline Personality Disorder. She's very, very, very smart. And scary.
Anyway, I've been afraid of running into her for a number of years now. I knew that she was back, living in my smallish town again, and I knew where she worked so I avoided it like the plague--which sucked as it's a great place to work out and take children for fun family time--well this last Friday I arrived at another fun place in our town to take children for a playgroup and she was working the desk. My first instinct was to turn and run out of there, but I could hardly stand up the playgroup and besides, if I did that I could never look her in the eye again. We made eyecontact and smiled and had some polite chit-chat and then she came over to play with Suz and I for a few minutes while she had a break. So it went fine. She didn't threaten me with bodily harm or to destroy my status in the community (well, not that I have one...) and she didn't bring up anything ugly.
I was pretty stunned and awkward and nervous but I guess that's just to be expected and I hope she didn't notice how hard I was working to keep my hands from shaking. She gave me her email address and I need to write her a short email I think about how nice it was to see her, blah blah blah. I do plan on returning to her place of work and want things to be as pleasant as possible. I started to feel like I always do in these situations though, thinking how nice and vivacious and fun she seems and thinking how maybe she's really changed this time, but then I need to remind myself how many times I've thought that about her and how often we've fallen right back into the same old patterns.
Except this time I really do believe that I've changed from what I was then. Is it at all possible that she has as well?
Ooops, Suzie's awake--gotta run.
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I ran into an old friend on Friday. It was pretty awkward as things didn't end well between us. We'd been best friends our freshman year of college and remained on and off close friends through much of our early 20s. We were both young and selfish though and did some pretty tacky things to each other. At this point I've pretty much blocked most of it but if there's one thing that I do remember it's that this woman has the memory of an elephant. She could probably list every terrible thing I did to her, the date of the occurrence, and what color my nails were painted at the time as well. The things she did to me were...I don't know...Sneakier, smarter, cleverer, and more underhanded, but kind of impossible to pinpoint. It was more just in the way she treated me, the things she expected from me, the ways that she manipulated me. She's a genius. And has Borderline Personality Disorder. She's very, very, very smart. And scary.
Anyway, I've been afraid of running into her for a number of years now. I knew that she was back, living in my smallish town again, and I knew where she worked so I avoided it like the plague--which sucked as it's a great place to work out and take children for fun family time--well this last Friday I arrived at another fun place in our town to take children for a playgroup and she was working the desk. My first instinct was to turn and run out of there, but I could hardly stand up the playgroup and besides, if I did that I could never look her in the eye again. We made eyecontact and smiled and had some polite chit-chat and then she came over to play with Suz and I for a few minutes while she had a break. So it went fine. She didn't threaten me with bodily harm or to destroy my status in the community (well, not that I have one...) and she didn't bring up anything ugly.
I was pretty stunned and awkward and nervous but I guess that's just to be expected and I hope she didn't notice how hard I was working to keep my hands from shaking. She gave me her email address and I need to write her a short email I think about how nice it was to see her, blah blah blah. I do plan on returning to her place of work and want things to be as pleasant as possible. I started to feel like I always do in these situations though, thinking how nice and vivacious and fun she seems and thinking how maybe she's really changed this time, but then I need to remind myself how many times I've thought that about her and how often we've fallen right back into the same old patterns.
Except this time I really do believe that I've changed from what I was then. Is it at all possible that she has as well?
Ooops, Suzie's awake--gotta run.
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