Desire. Ask. Believe. Receive.

"morning sickness"

2008-04-01T11:55:00.001-07:00

I've been seriously sick for the past week. I can hardly work, in fact I'm not working today, and my parenting sucks. I know I know, it'll pass; I've only got a month or so of it to go but it's not any fun. It almost feels like depression. It's so hard to get out of bed. I have a hard time smiling. I don't want to go to work. I can hardly deal with talking with anyone because I'm so short tempered and mean spirited.

Anyway, I'm really not up to writing now but though I'd check in.

BTW, the "Jonas Brothers" or something are on Ellen right now and they seriously suck.

Seriously.

I've been meaning to write for a week

2008-03-19T16:04:00.000-07:00

and just haven't been able to make it happen. It's been a looooooong week. Long. Really long. I'll give the abridged version because I'm just not up to writing out all the tedious details.

It started last Tuesday with a family trip up north for my grandmother's funeral. This is an emotional thing! She was 96 and had lived a long and happily devout life but funerals are never (well, rarely a fun time). I was looking forward to seeing a lot of people that I hadn't seen in a while but was pretty nervous about having to mediate between my parents and sister who haven't spoken since 2001. My sister is heartbroken about this estrangement and my parents are stubbornly refusing to reconsider; I was not looking forward to having to deal with this and was somewhere, deep inside, looking for a way to bury my head in the sand.

Like most families, mine comes complete with diametrically opposed political views. Now, in my opinion, a funeral is not the time to go into those differences, but this is a heated election year and people have a lot to say about things. So, in summary so far...I'm at a funeral, I'm surrounded by extended family, I'm mediating between my parents and sister, and I'm attempting to avoid any political debate during a time of grief. What could make this week even yet still more fun? (tmi alert for any male readers) I started bleeding bright red blood Tuesday night.

So, in the middle of all this turmoil it looks like I'm having a miscarriage.

And to add further stress, upon my return home on Thursday and my trip the ob/gyn, I was told they really wouldn't know anything until an ultrasound the following Tuesday; they did quite a bit of blood work and it was moderately discouraging/useless as it was just a baseline. So, and please forgive any perceived melodrama, I spent the next 5 days wondering if the baby I was carrying was dead or alive. I was still having enough pregnancy symptoms to know that something was still in there; I just didn't know if it was viable. It was a real bummer of a weekend. I did my best to focus on the present and to be ok with whatever was.

Good times.

So yeah, I'd through about posting and just didn't have the energy. I was tired. I was depressed. I was worried. I was totally overwhelmed. And I just couldn't get it together to post.

But...fast forward to yesterday, GOOD NEWS!! I went in for the u/s and things look good. My heart sank when the tech told me that she wouldn't be able to tell me anything and that it would be two or three days until my doctor got back to me with the results. Ugh... More waiting. However, she was kind enough that when she found what she was looking for, namely a bean sized little person with a visibly beating heart, she turned the monitor towards me so I could see for myself. THANK YOU ULTRASONAGRAPHER!!! So much relief. So much gratitude. So much happiness.

So there we are; there's my week. It was long. It was tough. It was tedious. Oh! But the really cool part? I totally didn't drink. Not even a big deal. Even when I thought I'd lost the baby and therefore was "only" sober for myself I didn't go there. I'm so grateful for my sobriety. It's such an amazing thing.

Nesting? Nestingish?

2008-03-10T13:28:00.000-07:00

I woke up at 6 in the morning on Saturday ready.to.garden. It was dark. It was rainy. It was 6 a.m. No matter! I was out digging up rocks, tilling, building the soil, and had my lettuce and spinach plot planted before the fam woke up at 7:30. Funny right? I love nesting.

Quiet Day.

2008-03-04T16:22:00.001-08:00

Not much to report here, just felt like checking in I guess.

So, here's the scoop; I'm so very newly pregnant, really I shouldn't even be talking about it yet, but this is my blog, right? This is where I can actually talk about how excited I am, even already!

It's funny; Suzie was SUCH a challenging baby, straight from three months of colic into just a constant high needs, spirited kid (I clearly remember the months of wearing her 7-10 hours a day, just to keep her from crying) there was NO way I was putting myself through that again! I went from dreaming quiverful dreams to looking into getting my tubes ties in just 8 short months. But here I am, excited to death at the arrival of this next bundle. I can't wait to cuddle and nurse that tiny newborn body!!! Does that sound weird? Probably to anybody who hasn't ever or who didn't have a great experience nursing but I just loved it so much. I loved being that close to my little one.

Work is work. It's mundane and stupid. I'm going to do my best though to hold out. It's only till November after all. My little election day bundle of joy. :)

Long time readers?

2008-03-03T11:24:00.000-08:00

I think there might be three of you--do you remember about 4 years ago when I got really depressed and felt like my life was falling apart and that I was losing everything I'd worked for? Remember then how I wrote a blog explaining the unexpected cause of all of my exhaustion and mood-swingyness?

:) :) :)

Yea! It's the same amazing news--we've got a new addition to our family in the works! I'm so completely excited and ecstatic; so totally happy right now. I'm estimating the due date to be around the 9th of November so I'm super duper early and have a loooong way to go, but here's hoping for as beautiful a pregnancy as last time.

A sign?

2008-02-29T08:37:00.000-08:00

A co-worker from our corporate office just walked by my desk and saw a picture of my daughter. He asked how old she was and when I said "she just turned three" he said "WHAT are you doing here?" Nicely of course, and with a smile, but he was truly incredulous that I'd be spending this amazing time of my daughter's development here at this job.

And now I'm crying again.

Sad Day. Sad Week.

2008-02-29T07:42:00.000-08:00

My pink cloud puked all over me this week. My motivation is gone. I'm still sober, and happily so, but I'm so unhappy in my job and Suzie is at a really tough spot developmentally. I've been trying to pray even more, and I believe it to be good, but I'm not seeing the immediate rewards that I had been over the last two months. I guess that's a standard personality trait of an addict though, the need for immediate gratification.

I so need out of my job. People ask me what I want to be doing instead and that's the problem--I don't really know! My friend Claire had some great suggestions for me yesterday in the retail sector and I was really excited about them, until I remembered the crazy schedule that often defines retail work; one of the definite positives of my current position is the 8-5 schedule. It's all a trade off I guess. I just know there has to be a job out there for me; one that feeds my soul and makes a positive difference in the world; and one absolutely that doesn't fill me with loathing and make me cry every day on my commute in. Right? I've been praying, not about finding a new job specifically, but about finding peace in what is and also about keeping my eyes and my heart open to seeing the possibilities for new opportunities around me.

It was so bad this morning though that I actually thought "I wish I hadn't made the mistake of starting a family because I'd rather die then go into that terrible place again." I guess I could be thankful that I've got an amazing family to save my life.

Suzie. She loves me to death. This is so sweet. She absolutely cannot get enough of me. She cries when I leave, she stays snuggled on me most of the night. I do love being so connected to her. The tough part is that she actively dislikes pretty much everyone else. If anyone else looks at her to talks to her or touches her while I'm around she will fly into hysterics. My mood was so fragile that when she climbed into my bed at 5 this morning and her dad tried to help her into her place and she went into a rage, I completely lost it and cried for an hour--while she slept peacefully. :(

But, and this is a big one, I am still sober. And honestly not even really thinking about drinking. I mean, it has occurred to me, but not so much as a way to relieve the stress, more as a way of revenge (against WHO???) or perhaps even a way of killing myself. Which I know I don't want to do. I just hate my job so much. My husband has such an amazing work ethic. He hates his job as much as I do, but for him quitting is not an option; we've got a mortgage and Montessori fees to pay. I know he's right. Our home and Suzie's education are so important. But what about our mental health--where does that fit in? How is it ok that I actually want to end my life (which I'd never do, ok? Don't worry anybody, please, I'm not actually going to DO it, it's just words to describe how absolutely miserable I am...) just so that I don't have to go to my job anymore?

I just feel so taken advantage of. I've found this at every job I've ever worked at. They always start out so well you know? I'm meeting new people and learning new things, but then always, right around the one year mark, they start putting more and more responsibility on you; which is OK, to a point. I'm so frustrated now; I'm effectivly doing the work of two people, my boss has been given other projects (and is working 10 hour days himself) which leaves me to do essentially all the purchasing, all the accounts payable, and 75% of the meeting and negotiating with vendors, as well as filling in at the receptionist desk (because her position was cut), and doing a twice weekly physical inventory, AND coming for three hours one Saturday a month to key the plant inventory. All for the same amount of money--which was low to freaking begin with!!! How much can I take? My boss is telling me to steady myself for more but I'm already so in the weeds. I'm really at the end of my rope. I'm so fragile and emotional right now that I feel like I'm gonna either walk or cry if anybody so much as looks at me. Not a strong place to be.

Something has to change.

Look what I bought!!!

2008-02-26T09:38:00.000-08:00

LONG GREEN IMPROVED CUCUMBER
BABY OAKLEAF LETTUCE
GARDEN HUCKLEBERRY
BLACK HUNGARIAN PEPPER,
BURAN PEPPER,
CALIFORNIA WONDER PEPPER,
BLOOMSDALE LONG STANDING SPINACH
BANANA LEGS TOMATO
BLACK PLUM TOMATO
CHERRY ROMA TOMATO
BASIL, GENOVESE, BASIL, SWEET
LAVENDER, ENGLISH
OREGANO, GREEK
PEPPERMINT
ROSEMARY
SAGE
THYME, ENGLISH

Coolness, yes? And even better, they're all heirloom and not at all connected to Montsanto. I'm so excited to get started. I haven't had a garden since Suzie was born--my plot has become weed infested and root bound and every time I set out to work it I'd get about 1/8th done and then get discouraged. So two weekends ago I just tore the whole thing out. I'll let it turn back into lawn and put a garden somewhere else. My perfectionism has stymied me for too damn long--I'm so excited for a fresh start.

So this year it's all about containers. A ton of them. They seem much less overwhelming to me and I'm all about finding comfort in gardening, not beating myself down. Maybe next year I'll get into the square-foot gardening thing, or something bigger, but for this year I'll have an amazing salad garden and rosemary shrubs for my cats to walk through and keep my house smelling amazing.

Not much going on.

2008-02-25T13:13:00.000-08:00

I just hadn't posted in a while and felt like I should update. I've been...contemplative (?)...lately. I don't know, just thinking a lot; about the world and my place in it. Nothing really definitive, just lots of singular thoughts.

I went out to dinner with my mom's night out group on Saturday. It was nice. A little boring. But nice. One of them is really into politics. Really into them. That's totally cool. For her. She's soooo smart and articulate and learned about them. I'm not so much into politics. I get them. More then superficially even, but I'm definitely not passionate about them. Sometimes I worry that this is a bad thing. I know that people that are passionate about them would think this is a bad thing. I'm grateful that there are such passionate people out there to fuel the debate and create change. I am not one of those people.

My daughter will be starting preschool next fall. I had an inkling to check out the webpage of one of the school's I'm considering today and surprisingly found that registration starts tomorrow and there's an open house in the evening. Perfect timing! How beautiful is that? She's unhappy at her current daycare. Not actively unhappy, but maybe just bored? If she's potty trained by summer she can start at the new school in July. That would be a good thing. Maybe she's like me. Maybe she gets bored when she's in the same situation with the same people for too long.

I've been praying about being relieved of my obsessive nature towards men. I think it's working. I have no crush currently and haven't in about a week. It's...interesting. Good, but odd and interesting. I'd been wanting to spend my energy on something more positive and productive; I think I've been doing that by coming up with new projects (making paper chains, rolling out sugar cookies and frosting them with paintbrushes, tearing apart the old garden, etc.) to do with Suzie every night after work. It's been amazing. I feel like she and I are even closer and my house is actually in better shape then when we didn't have a project to focus on. I'm thinking it's one of those "if you want a job done then delegate it to a busy person" kind of things.

Speaking of the garden, I'm so glad the old root bound plot of land is in the process of being torn apart. It was such a ridiculous space, on the south side of the house but bumped up against the neighboring lot which is a veritable jungle of brambles and overgrowth blocking out the sun. Containers are going to be much more manageable this year. I'm really looking forward to planting them. Suzie's gonna have a blast helping out too.

Ok, I think I'm done. :)

Is it the human condition to just bitch all the time?

2008-02-22T14:50:00.000-08:00

About anything? And everything? It's so draining to hear the constant barrage of complaints from coworkers and friends and family. It amazes me that I've spent so much of my life caught up in it. Now that I'm not interested in complaining anymore it's shocking to realize how much time is spent doing it. People seem to have trouble relating to me now that I don't, it's like they don't know what to say to me anymore. I hear it everywhere and I'm trying so hard to tune it out; I don't want to get caught up in it, nor do I want to judge or criticize the people I hear doing it. I just wish they could understand how much happier they could be if they weren't complaining about their lives all the time--it's such a sure fire way to bring yourself down!

I've just been on such a high myself for the past two weeks that I've been immune to it I guess. It's only now, that I'm coming down just a bit that I'm hearing it so much and feeling the effects of the negativity physically. I'm just so not interested in going there...

We're all doing the best we can.

2008-02-19T09:06:00.001-08:00

That's my new mantra.

Also, today I'm in love with bananas.

Gorgeous Weekend

2008-02-18T09:18:00.000-08:00

It was our free weekend (Suzie spent her's at the ocean with my parents) and we spent it doing our taxes and getting our house in order. It was soooo nice to get things taken care of. Also, I had two killer workouts (my abs are absolutely on fire this morning) and went to a great women's meeting. John had some stressed out minutes when it became clear that we were going to owe a couple grand to the IRS but honestly the REASON that we're in the situation we're in comes from a place of being so incredibly fortunate that I can hardly complain. Plus, we've got the knowelege and finances to get ourselves out of it, so really, while of course I'd like to keep that money in my own pocket, I'm definitely not seeing the big negative, you know?

Um...what else...I don't know, I've got no drama to speak of so what's a girl to write about? I feel great; I'm thankful everyday for my sobriety. I can't believe how amazing my life has become since I quit drinking. That's not to say I don't get twinges of wanting it now and again--just yesterday while walking through the wine isle I heard a little voice way back in my brain saying something along the lines of "poor me, I love wine and it's soooo not fair that I can't have it anymore" but it only took about 2 seconds for me to completely squash that voice. It's not that I CAN'T have it, it's not like someone is holding a gun to my head and not letting me drink; it's that I've renounced it; that I don't WANT it. It's poison and it was ruining my life and John's life and Suzie's life.

God, and the clarity. It's so amazing to see the world and my life for what it really is. It's so amazing to not have hangovers. It's so amazing to not snap at Suzie and argue with John. And it's such a relief to never get behind the wheel and worry about getting a DUI; because honestly any guilt I felt the next morning about driving while intoxicated was nothing compared to my selfish worry of getting a DUI. It's amazing to have my eyes opened.

:(

2008-02-15T08:08:00.000-08:00

Suzie woke up from our V-Day celebration with a 102 degree fever. I've got pre-symptoms as well. Lame. I don't want her to be sick and I don't want me to be sick. Its funny though, as much as I want to drop into "poor me" mode I'm still really happy today. I'm pretty much just totally in love with my life. I'm thinking that's a good thing.

I am still fighting the urge to continue escalating my entirely innapropriate relationship with my CD counselor--I mean, I know the law "frowns on it" but it's not like he's a "real" counselor or anything. :) And you DO know that I'm completely tounge in cheek when I say that, right? But god damn, he's just adorable. And I'm a bad, bad, bad person. :) (And also really into emoticons).

2008-02-13T13:17:00.001-08:00

I went to a meeting last weekend with an old friend who's fairly recently fallen off the wagon. It was good. It was great to talk to him on a real level, not at a party, not at a show, about real life and issues important to our life and our sobriety. He was surprised that not only wasn't I going to the agnostics meetings but that I was actually going to meetings in a church. He told me that he'd been wondering how I'd been dealing with the "God issue" that is at the heart of AA. I told him I'd given up, like so many people before me, "my way" was not working. I was not staying sober. I couldn't do it. So I decided "what the hell, I'm just going to pray. It can't hurt, right?" And when it felt weird I just pushed through it. I told myself, if I can't pray for real, then I'll pretend to pray. If I can't surrender for real then I'll pretend to surrender. And I guess it worked.

I feel like a different person than I was two months ago. I'm calmer, much more serene, I'm much less self-concious and always afraid of saying the wrong thing. I feel more graceful and more comfortable just being in the world. I'm more generous and gentler with other people. I'm not nearly as focused on my own ego as I was. I told him "I'm not big into the bible, and I don't know that I ever will be; I'm just really big into God." And that's what feels really "right" right now.

Also, John and I just started watching season one of The West Wing. This show is amazing--I'm in love with it. Suzie, not so much, way too much angry talk for her liking.

Change of Heart

2008-02-12T12:15:00.000-08:00

Maybe I just needed to acknowledge the grumpiness.

Or maybe it's that my husband and are now chatting online planning out daughter's valentines day celebration. :) We've never been big into the V-Day thing but my 3 year old is soooo excited this year! She's been talking about it for days; silly me, it only occured to me this morning that maybe I should expand my "we don't really do V-day" to include her ideas...So, she's really into cutting and pasting these days, ususally she's cutting and pasting on the kitchen floor while I'm cooking and cleaning and John is doing taxes or finance stuff; the plan for Thursday is for all of us to cut and paste together, with some cool new red paper and lace--no cleaning or playing on the computer allowed! Then we'll have a cake picnic on the living room floor with this yummy strawberry angel cake recipe from J's grandmother.

So I'm happy. Life is good. I have no idea why I was down. I prayed for it to change. It did.

CRASH!!!

2008-02-12T12:03:00.000-08:00

I've been crabby all day. And also I'm a bitch.

Good Grief! WTF is my problem? I'm happy god damnit!! I've got a good life and things are going well!!! I have no right to just wake up on the wrong side of the bed and be a bitch.

Lust...Yikes!

2008-02-10T16:39:00.000-08:00

God, Grant me the serenity to calm the fuck down.

I am a menace. A danger to myself and others. :) In the best possible way, of course.

My heart is so full of love today.

2008-02-08T14:54:00.000-08:00

It's almost overwhelming. I feel scared--I'm afraid I feel too good, like a crash is inevitable. Wow, though, I don't know if I've ever felt this happy. This honestly, full-of-love, happy. My heart feels clean and I feel so at peace. I feel like I'm not hiding anything from anyone and full of compassion for everyone. I am so seriously in love. With everything.

Is that OK? I mean really.

Come on...

2008-02-05T17:43:00.000-08:00

Tom Petty at halftime AND I won $400 betting $10 against the beloved Patriots? Could the superbowl have BEEN any better?

:)

Is it weird that I'm just happy all the time anymore?

2008-01-31T15:05:00.001-08:00

Like not euphoric and bouncing off the walls but just generally good spirited and really...greatful for how well things are going? It's odd, it feels a little like when I was pregnant and I was so happy to be pregnant that I even kind of oddly enjoyed the less pleasant aspects of pregnancy like getting fat and peeing all the time and not sleeping very well. Yeah, it's alot like like; except that I'm not pregnant, I'm just really happy to be...just to be I guess.

Sobriety, especially after so long of being wasted all the time, feels so amazing. My mood swings are gone, I'm not "flat" I'm just...level...in a really good way. I can't believe how much more I'm getting accomplished at home; how much more I'm reading; how much cleaner my house is; how much more fun Suzie and I are having.

Plus, I'm just really grateful for all that I have right now. For all my bitching about work it's really not that bad, you know? I mean, sure, it's not doing a thing for my spiritual well being, but it does pay me a really decent wage to do very little work in an environment that's fairly supportive and that I have a few pretty good friends in. I've got a gorgous house with a beautiful view and huge safe yard for my amazing toddler to run in. I've got a lake to swim in. I've got a loving, supportive husband who works so hard to take care of us all. We've all got our health and our intellect. And as icing on the cake we've really got enough money to do pretty much anything we want as long as we make wise decisions.

Where's the bad in that?

What the fuck am I complaining about all the time?

A month ago I decided to start praying--a lot--just kind of as an experiment. I'm thinking it kind of worked. I mean, nothing has really changed. Everything is really the same as it was a month ago except for the fact that I've got one month more of sobriety under my belt--BUT my perception of it all has changed. I don't have a crappy marriage; I have a fantastic marriage. I don't have a demanding daughter; I have an incredible daughter. I don't have the worst job in the world. I'm not poor. I don't need to move to a better neighborhood.

So what does that mean? As I type it, the cynic in me is screaming "well if nothing's really changed then you're just delusional" but I know that's wrong. The truth is that I was delusional before; when nothing was good enough and I was running myself into the ground trying to fix it anyway; and when I couldn't fix it I'd drink some more to avoid it.

Wishes

2008-01-29T12:13:00.001-08:00

Today I wish I could be a home; curled up on the couch, reading and watching Curious George with Suzie. And also with hot chocolate. It's snowy and cold and this job is not feeding my soul. In fact, it's suffocating it.

Wish me stickiness...

2008-01-25T16:26:00.000-08:00

I really want to be knocked up right now.

How I Landed In Rehab

2008-01-24T17:05:00.000-08:00

So, about 2 1/2 months ago I started cycling pretty rapidly downhill. I was mood swingy like crazy, I was spending tons of money on clothes and makeup and drinks; I was really screwing up at work; getting "tipsy" nearly everyday at lunch and then going back in and doing fun stuff like making huge accounting errors, flirting with my boss, and sending really, really, extremely inappropriate emails to the work boyfriend; fighting with John all the time; acting really short tempered with Suzie; drinking at least a bottle of wine a night; passing out a lot; needing sleeping pills because I was waking up in the night with insomnia; waking up so tired and hungover nearly every morning that I completely gave up exercising and instead was drinking 5 cups of coffee before lunch when I could start the whole thing over again.

So obviously I was having a problem with alcohol, right? Not in my mind. In my mind I was clearly bi-polar/rapid cycling and needed medication. So I went to my doctor to talk it over. I wasn't sure what would happen, I mean, was she just going to send me away with a script for lithium? I just had no idea how these things worked. I talked with her for about 1/2 an hour; we went over my history, my current life stresses, and of course the drinking thing came up.

Its funny, I've kind of floated in and out of denial about my drinking for the past of 14 years. The first time I remember looking in the mirror and actually saying "I have a drinking problem and I need help" I was 20. Since then I've been drinking essentially Over the years I've tried to quit or cut back now and again, but I don't know how many of you have tried to quit before, um, it's really fucking hard. Like impossible hard. I've come to find out that's kind of a statistically true thing as well.

So, the doctor puts down her pen, looked at me long and gently, very nicely and gently says " you know, sometimes getting drunk and sobering up two or three times a day can look a lot like rapid cycling." She told me that the best prescription she could offer me was rehab and that once I'd been sober for a while, if the mood swings and other behaviors were still troublesome, we could talk further.

She must have just caught me at the right time. I called the local hospital's Chemical Dependency Center that afternoon and scheduled an appointment for an intake assessment the next day. I guess I was still riding that denial wave a bit because I was shocked when the woman doing the assessment was debating between Intensive Outpatient and actual inpatient, 28 days, alcohol treatment. Despite all the troubles I'd had in the past with trying to quit, I really still though that once a week outpatient for a month or so would take care of the problem for me!

Not so much. So that's that. That's how I got into rehab. I'll write more later about how it's actually been. Especially in coming from a background in therapy and mental health but right now I've got to clean a little and make dinner. Which is really cool, cause two months ago I would have been well on my way to wasted by now.

Also--Sarah--please send me an email! I can't seem to find your current address!!

I am happy today.

2008-01-24T09:57:00.000-08:00

I am no officially the senior-most member of my rehab group. That is so wild to me. I'm the person now that the counselor points out to the rest of the group as one to look at in terms of how far I've come. Amazing. And super cool.

I'm feeling really positive about where I am with this whole sobriety thing. The cravings are all but gone, and when they do come I feel strong in my ability to ride them out and not give in. I've always got to be careful, I always need to be on guard; but it's different now, something in me has shifted. No matter how hard my husband or my boss or the universe might be pushing me to drink (which they're not by the way, it's all me) I've got to stand strong and not give in. I've got to think it through, I've got to call my sponser, I've got to work out, I've got to write, I've got to not drink. It's not an option anymore.

My MIL is really wanting to talk to me about my experience. She's a chronic alchoholic and it feels like she's hoping I'll be able to pass on that one little nugget of education/information that she's been missing in her search for sobriety. There's no little pill of info though. My sobriety came from going to classes three times a week; it's being accountable to a counselor and to a group of people; it's reaching way outside my comfort zone to do really hard work; it's going to AA; it's reading; it's all that and even more I think. And if she wants what I've gotten from rehab she's got to go there herself. Hell yeah it's scary--do people think I wasn't scared walking myself in there?

Reason 6,423

2008-01-23T16:18:00.000-08:00

One reason (out of a gazillion) why my husband rocks:

We were writing up a budget this weekend (ok, less than rockin, but...) when we got to the line item for salon services and I started running the list of all the things I do to keep myself looking as fly as I generally do, he didn't once ask or insist or hint that I might need to cut something out or cut back or knock it off entirely. His response? "$120 a month? Ok."

:)

For the record that $120 goes a really long way. Manis, pedis, waxing, hair color, brazillians, and the occasional massage; I'd say it's a bargain really.

Now with Sober!

2008-01-21T15:42:00.000-08:00

So.....craziness....Um, where to start. I'm just gonna dive in; maybe I'll come back and edit later. So as of today I'd say I'm about 3/4 of the way through a 3 times a week for 10 weeks intensive outpatient rehab program. Yep, I've gotten really really good at letting everyone in the vicinity know that "I'm Jane, and I'm an alcoholic". I've met a ton of people, I've got a great counselor (and a couple of not so great counselors), I've been to 4 meetings, I have a sponsor, and, maybe the biggest change, I'm praying all the freaking time.

I started this yesterday and stopped because I felt really overwhelmed at the thought of typing out the entire process; where I started, where I am now, blah blah blah. Let's just suffice it to say, for now, that I haven't had a drink since 12/18 and before that it had been since 11/22. Before that it had been since 11/21 and before that 11/20, ad infinitum since about my 18th birthday, give or take a day or two when I had the flu and/or was pregnant.

So yeah, not drinking, for me, is a really big scary thing. Though amazingly less so after nearly two months sober. I feel REALLY really good. Like, I'm getting more sleep, I've been able to cut out the sleeping pills which makes me able to wake up on time to work out in the mornings before work, I've lost about 10 pounds without even really trying, and absolutely most importantly I'm oh so much more patient with Suzie and John.

Sure, there have definitely been problems and this has absolutely NOT been easy, BUT it has been sooooo worth it. Honestly for Suzie's sake alone it's been worth it. I've had to really take a close look at a lot (read: most) of my preconceptions about myself and my life but it's not like that such a bad thing. I mean, I'm a Buddhist for god's sake, that should be the cornerstone of my spiritual practice anyway, right?

So that's me. Not drinking. Not sleeping around (much, or at least differently than I used to), working out, not yelling at my daughter, not starting fights with my husband, not passing out every night. These are good things.

One not so good thing--having a wicked crush on my counselor. How completely inappropriate, right? But for all of you that know me in real life, come on, how could I not? He's young, he's cute, he's smart, he's funny, hello--he's MALE...but I know better. And I'm not acting on it at all. At least until the two year waiting period is up. :) And those waiting periods are good! I'm sure I'll be completely over him and onto someone else by then; or maybe, could even have possibly kicked my sex addiction by then. And that would be so cool. For real.

OK, again, I'll try to be better with the updates.

Not really in the mood,

2007-11-04T16:35:00.000-08:00

but I'm blogging everyday of November damnit and I'm only like 4 days in.

So, today was good. I cooked a fair amount; made a spaghetti sauce with ground turkey and a pot of pumpkin and white bean soup. Kind of an easy Sunday of cooking actually. Relatively.

The day started out much as most of yesterday; PMSing and pretty much just being a bitch. I willed myself to get over it though and 5 iced teas (not long islands, mind you, I'm sober this weekend) later I was ready to join the world of the living.

We got a ton of yardwork finished which is important giving our upcoming refi. God damn, I do wonder if my blog entries of late could be any more fucking boring.

Really, I've got stuff going on, just no real urge to write about it. That does make me wonder why I'm bothering to write a blog at all. I mean, I'm not saying anything...I'm not even mommy blogging. I'm not SAYING anything.

I guess honestly it's just kind of turned into a way for me to keep the few friends in my life who I know read it kept up to date on what I"m up to. At this point though I'm not even really doing THAT...

Weird. Really weird.

I could write more about the work boyfriend. I could write more about the real boyfriend. I could write about the husband. I could write about the daughter. I could write my new-found adventures in sobriety. I could write about my dad and his possible cancer that we'll find out more about tomorrow.

But now my husband's back in from working on the yard and I want to hang out with him for a while.

We'll try this again tomorrow. But at least I wrote something. Right?

Hmmm...

2007-11-03T11:50:00.000-07:00

Listening to my husband passive-aggressively bicker with his mother is about the most unsexy thing ever.

In other news; we had a fun dinner party last night. Just J's brother and his wife, us, and Suzie. I rocked it with the dinner. I apologize in advance to my vegan readers (hi C!) before I proceed with a brief description of 2 inch thick rib-eyes, rubbed with minced rosemary and garlic and grilled just till they were gorgeous and pink on the inside; mashed red potatoes made with tons of butter and cream; broiled portobellas; and tons of mini cream puffs and eclairs for dessert. Plus way too much red wine. It was a fantastic dinner. Oh, and this killer steak sauce that requires the sacrifice of an entire bottle of red wine, reduced down to about 1/4 cup. Fan-fucking-tastic dinner.

Now it's Saturday. I'm a little hung over. Irritable at listening to John and his mother go back and forth, and ready to get on with my day.

Suzie is amped on cream puffs and halloween candy and in high spirits.

I can't believe I forgot!

2007-11-02T10:06:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the the first day of my 30 days of blogging and I totally blew it off! What a dumbass I can be. :)

Good thing I don't worry about that kind of thing.

Anyway, yesterday was the 16 year anniversary of my first date with John. Crazy, right? We didn't really do anything; we're more into celebrating the actual wedding anniversary at this point (when we remember...). But we were both sober, which was nice. We're trying this new partial sobriety experiment which has been, um, exciting and challenging, but you know, good...

I use a lot of ellipses.

Um, let's see. Quiet times right now in the Martian household. Which is a good thing. I don't think we've had a significant fight or even argument really in at least, um, I'm thinking two weeks. That's pretty staggering for me to be writing, being as how we has approximately 6 fights in the first 10 years of our relationship. Things have definitely devolved over the years, which is what everyone pretty much says happens with the arrival of the first child. We'll see, maybe we're on an upswing. Our communication level has increased, doubtless, as has my refusal to deal with bullshit/borderline abusive behavior. And these are two very good things.

Anyway, I'm gonna give myself a gold star for the day and call it good (ok, maybe a silver star); I got work to do.

So yeah...things are good.

2007-10-31T13:24:00.000-07:00

Believe it or not...They really are. Consequently I don't have much to write about, but in gearing up for NaNoBloMo I decided to get a jump on this whole daily blogging thing. We'll see what happens.

I'm working now. Unhappily. I've been unhappily working here now for a good month or so. It gets better and it gets worse, but I've been mired down in some major purchasing/invoices issues since the end of the summer and I don't see it getting much better. I've got to get out of here. For real. The only thing really keeping me here is my loser work "boyfriend" and I say that so loosely as to give it absolutely no meaning at all. He's a dumbass and it pains me to realize that I've stayed here as long as I have in large part because of him and his constant and continual promises of something fantastic between us.

Blah. So not a good enough reason to stay at a dead end job.

Speaking of boyfriends; my actual boyfriend situation is pretty much great. After some initial back and forth I've pretty much fallen for this guy. Gosh, I guess I've got to give him a name...Let's see, I'm Jane; the husband's John; the daughter's Suzie; let's call the boyfriend Eric. So yeah, he's a bass player, of course, right? Works on cars, he's a machinist...Great guy.

John's not exactly thrilled at how into him I am, but...I don't know...it is what it is I guess.

I'll try to write more about it later. Right now I need to work for a bit.

Exhausted

2007-08-22T11:42:00.000-07:00

I'm sick to death of feeling like I can't live up to John's expectations. For the longest time I've carried around this feeling of inadequacy, like I'm lacking because I don't keep the house clean enough or work out enough or cook the right meals or spend little enough money or have the right sex drive for the right people; and don't get me wrong, these are all good things, but honestly, at a core level, I'm pretty happy with the way I live my life and I'm so very tired of feeling like it's not good enough. Like if I could just change this one thing maybe he'd be happy enough that the other stuff could slide for awhile. I'm just coming to realize that it's never going to be enough.

Well, I suppose it might be enough if I got a new job, worked harder at it, kept the house much cleaner, stopped buying dresses and makeup, never drank unless he was in the mood, had eyes only for him, had a killer sex drive, and got rid of the dog. Maybe then it would be enough. Doesn't sound that hard, does it? Maybe I could work on it more. But that's the thing--I have been working on it, for years and years and years. Sometimes I'm better at parts of it than others but the fact is that I'm constantly working on improving things about myself that he wants improved. I'm so tired of it. I'm so tired.

I mean, to be honest, I'm tired for other reasons too. I'm getting up an hour and half earlier to take care of the dog and work out--which minus the dog he's wanted me to do anyway so I'm not sure why he's not happier about that. And I do get that it's an emotional strain on him that I've got a new guy in my life and that's pretty much a given for me, at least from time to time. I absolutely get that something like that would be challenging for a person; but I don't know, I feel like it's also just one more thing for him to grab onto and be unsatisfied with me about.

He's so depressed. He's so unhappy with his life. Some of it's his fault. Some of it's mine. But how responsible am I for his happiness, especially when his happiness comes from my working my ass off to be a different person. I mean, I want to keep our life together but if he wants a different person so bad then maybe he should find one. Cause it's really horrible to be constantly reminded that you're not it.

Things are good.

2007-08-10T10:37:00.001-07:00

I made a mistake--a mostly honest mistake--based on assumptions and lack of communication; we talked it through and I think we're at an even better place than before. Isn't that the best part of a good relationship? 5 hours of sadness and anger over an issue that could have broken up many couples and we came out better than ever. Minus one cheap plastic bucket that was sacrificed to the god of anger. But I can live with that.

I'm still not sure where our relationship is in terms of open or not or whatever, I mean, we never really said "let's have an open relationship" we just kind of decided to keep the whole thing fluid. I'm comfortable with that, you know, if I want to get tipsy and make out with a cute musician at a wedding it would suck to not be able to do that anymore. Yeah, the bottom line is that being in strictly closed relationship would be incredibly difficult for me. To be honest it's more than likely that I would end up cheating and I sooo don't want that.

What I need is just to make John trust me again. It's just been so long since I've had an interest in anybody outside that I just handled it so badly.

Blah, I keep saying the same thing over and over again. The bottom line is that things are fine, we've just got a lot of talking ahead of us.

In non-relationship news (well, essentially everything is relationship news but that's just splitting hairs) I'm getting a dog on Sunday!!! Yea! Have I mentioned this yet? Her name is Madelon and she's an 8 year old rescued greyhound. So pretty, so deserving of a good home. I cannot wait to meet her. I'm nervous as hell but so grateful that John is willing to go along with my latest attempt at wholeness. God knows I'm as aware as anyone that a dog isn't going to fill the unexplainable chasm in my soul but god love him for placating me once again.

I fucked up. Big Time.

2007-08-09T11:06:00.000-07:00

It takes a real special person to cheat in an open relationship. Real special. And that's me--I'm the special one. To be fair, it's not like I meant to cheat. I just didn't mention the details of what was happening. I felt sure that John didn't want me to go ahead with my intentions and I didn't want to hear it. Perhaps this was an unfair assumption. As he pointed out this morning, and as I can see in hindsight, he was practically begging me to talk about it and fill him in. Whether that means he would have been ok with the situation is unclear, but regardless, the fact is that I should have mentioned it--I was supposed to mention it--and I didn't. I had so many good (and bad) reasons for not talking about it but fear and pride and will kept me from doing the right thing. I feel horrible. John feels betrayed and pissed off and sad. I feel like such an loser. I mean, open relationship 101--talk about what the fuck you're doing.

I guess underlying the whole thing is the fact that John just isn't comfortable with the open thing. For a lot of reasons probably. It's frustrating though, I mean are we in an open relationship or not? I broke the rules by not talking about it and I completely understand his feelings, but if I was that scared to bring it up for fear of upsetting him than what kind of open relationship is this?

And what's crazy is that I haven't even been with another man since before Suzie was born until this week! And I wasn't even with this guy in the sense that you might be assuming--we just talked and listened to music and made out a little. As guilty and bad about the whole thing as I feel, I'm still feeling like there's a double standard as to who's allowed to do what and with whom. I mean, he sees people occasionally and I rarely give him any trouble about it, and he's done some stupid stuff that has brought more than his share of drama into the relationship. Not recently, mind you, but neither have I--minus this one stupid incident.

I guess the fact is that if he's not comfortable with an open relationship then I really need to look at that and we really need to talk about it. But god damn I'm not good at monogamy. I think that's what's the hardest for him. Like, John, he could really take the whole thing or leave it. I mean, he's a guy, of course he likes the opportunity to score other chicks, but I think if he could just have a great sexual relationship with me for the rest of his life he'd be more than happy--at least for the forseeable future. I, on the other hand, NEED a connection with other men. Not too often, but occasionally, and seriously. I start to get depressed and bored with life if I don't have active, energetic crush happening ever so often. It's totally different and I can absolutely see how it would be tough for his ego.

So I don't know. I had a really good week flirting with this new guy. It was fun to feel that energy again, but I was carrying around this constant feeling of discontent because I knew I needed to be talking to John about it and couldn't seem to bring it up. Anyway, I'm not going to keep flogging myself. I fucked up, I apologized, we discussed. He's got hurt feelings and that's not going to change probably for a while. I guess I've just go to learn from this and move on. I'm not sure what direction our relationship is going to turn at this point.

It's just all so irritating. When I envision my perfect life it's soooo Little House. Me and my big family working hard and loving each other to peices. It's hard to reconcile that with getting drunk and making out with musicians. I mean, I feel like I don't want to have put myself into a little box, but want to be just me--happy with whatever decision I make.

I need to work a little more now.

Things are good.

2007-08-01T10:14:00.000-07:00

Who knows, maybe the praying worked. Or maybe the stars have aligned. Or maybe my intentions are better. I don't know. I think I'm going to keep up this praying thing in the meantime though. Things got better pretty quickly soon after I started. Last night I was awake with insomnia in the middle of the night. My stomach was feeling tighter and tighter and my thoughts were racing. I tried meditating for 20 minutes or so and then thought maybe I should get up and journal. Laziness kept me from getting up though and instead I decided that instead of ruminating I should just journal the words into a prayer. It seemed to work, I slept soundly after about 15 minutes and this morning feel no pressure to continue stressing over what now seem like very trivial issues. Pretty cool I guess.

I need some Jesus in me.

2007-07-26T07:35:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure exactly what that means but I'm feeling pretty envious right now of those Christians that can just turn it all over to God and be done with it. Cause I'm not handling things very well on my own right now. Things are not very good right now.

I mean, I suppose I'm in a good enough place. Suzie's awesome, John and I are getting along well, work's OK...It's just me I guess that I'm not handling well. I'm eating too much, I'm drinking too much, I'm not exercising at all. I've given up on taking care of myself and can't seem to figure out how to fix it. My clothes don't fit well. But I just can't make myself make any changes. Everyday I wake up with the intention of exercising and not drinking that day and everyday, with out even a struggle on my part, I don't do a bit of exercise and instead drink and drink and drink.

I've done every diet in the world. I know I sound like the beginning of every diet book ever written except that I don't have a happy ending--I can't find the "one thing" that turns it around for me. That's why I think maybe God could help me. I mean, nothing else is working. I certainly don't have the strength in myself right now. So what does that mean "giving it up to God?" How do I do that? I feel like a total hypocrite but I've started praying again. It's all so weird, I've been a non-Christian for most of my life and I still don't think I'm anywhere near to calling myself that--there's just too much wrapped up in that word and that religion that definitely doesn't speak to me, but here I am praying. Praying?!? WTF? Who do I expect to answer when I'm not buying the entire religion...

Whatever, I've got work to do. Maybe I'll write more about this later.

:(

2007-07-17T10:01:00.000-07:00

I've got that palpable, bodily feeling of dis-harmony today. Do you ever get that? I don't like it. I keep saying the wrong things and my body feels ungraceful and out of place. Not good. I'm not putting words together well, I'm bumping into things...I feel fat and out of shape. I'm limping cause I broke my pinky toe on Friday...All bad things. I guess it makes sense that I'm feeling down but I hate it. I feel like I'm wasting my life when I let myself get into places like this. And then I feel too stubborn to get out of it. Like I want to let everyone know how I'm feeling so maybe someone else can fix it or get me out of it instead.

I found the perfect dog for my family on psgreyhounds.org and now J's stonewalling again. I mean, everything he says is valid I guess but I'm sure that's part of it.

Boring post.

Back to work for me. I'll try to get something else written later.

Yea Lando! Good Job!

2007-07-13T21:42:00.001-07:00

There's truly not a spectacle quite as charming as hearing your 2 1/2 year old daughter cheer and clap Lando Calrizian on for his great job at potty training.

File under: "Are you fucking kidding me?!?"

2007-07-13T14:26:00.000-07:00

After this morning's discussion with my boss I was having a conversation with a co-worker who informed me of another conversation that she had had with my boss in which he told her once of the time his wife burned the bread she was baking (from scratch). He came home to find a disgusting, smokey, smelly kitchen and his wife was the culprit. TO TEACH HER A LESSON, he put the bread on a plate and made her carry it around for the rest of the day, so that she would never get away from the smell or the shame of that burnt loaf of bread.

I repeat here, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!? He did this to his wife? And wait, let me check, this IS the new millennium, is it not? They were not married in 1840, correct? And, AND, he came into to work and ADMITTED (in fact came just short of bragging about) this fact?!? I am floored. Absolutely floored.

And they've only been married less than two years!! Not that any more or less time together would excuse such behavior, but if a husband will pull that crap in such a short time together I shudder to think what he'll be pulling 5, 10, 15 years from now.

Oh, and her reaction, to continue to put up with his untenable behavior, file under "absolutely heartbreaking" and I mean that in the truest, most heartfelt sense of the word.

Sarah Vowell quote of the day

2007-07-13T10:45:00.000-07:00

"I attended the president's inauguration in 2001. When he took the presidential oath, I cried. What was I so afraid of? I was weeping because I was terrified that the new president would wreck the economy and muck up my drinking water. Isn't that adorable? I lacked the pessimistic imagination to dread that tens of thousands of human beings would be spied on or maimed or tortured or killed or stranded or drowned, thanks to his incompetence.

I feel like a fool. All those years of Sunday school, and still the apocalypse catches me off guard."

No woman of mine!!!

2007-07-13T09:20:00.000-07:00

So we had a surprise rain storm last night--at least, it was a surprise to me--it's been sunny and hot for a week and expected to continue so I was happily surprised to wake up to the sound of raindrops on the skylight last night while sleeping. Unfortunately because I wasn't expecting the rain I wasn't as diligent about bringing in the BBQ equipment as I might have been had I known otherwise. Luckily the cookbooks came in and nothing was ruined, but the citronella candles are full of water and that kind of thing....

So this morning my boss and I were discussing the surprise shower and I told him my story. He started going on and on about how that would never happen in his household because he's taught his wife and step-kids respect and they know that if they leave their belongings out in the rain (or even in the living room overnight) that they'll be in the garbage by morning--and he doesn't care how much sentimental or monetary value the item may hold and his family knows it. And on and on and on about that's what should have happened at my house too.

Finally I looked up and said, as nicely as possible considering that he's my boss, "you know, if my husband spoke that way to me I probably just wouldn't stay." "In what way?" he asked innocently--totally challenging me--"you mean in a way that demands you respect the family's belongings?"

Instead of answering his question I replied "well, first and foremost my husband is my best friend and partner, secondarily he's my lover (I said this to make him uncomfortable), in no way is he my father. If a partner were to talk to me like and and throw away MY belongings the first thing that would happen is that he would replace my belongings immediately, the next thing that would happen is that he would find himself a new family because me and my children would be gone before he knew what hit him." All this said with a smile of course, he IS my boss and a certain amount of ass kissing is required but I was not going to let his comments slide today. It's one thing for him to behave like a tyrant to to woman who knowledgeably chose to marry him, it's another to expect me to put up with it.

He went on to try and turn it around to not being supportive of a partner that clearly has clutter/nitpicking issues. I went on to make copies of my invoices and get back to work.

It is any wonder that when I thought I was pregnant and having a miscarriage last night that my first thought was "well, at least I won't have to go to work tomorrow..."

(more on that later--no pregnancy, no miscarriage, no worries.)

My daughter is in love.

2007-07-13T07:52:00.000-07:00

With everything.

"Oh mommy! I looooove lasagna!" "Swimming, oh I loooove swimming!" "I LOVE HAMBURGERS! I LOVE HAMBURGERS!" and the best one of all..."oh mommy, I just love you sooooo much."

She is so cuddly and lovey and sweet right now--she's in a really good stage.

My boss however, is not. More on that later.

2007-07-10T15:48:00.000-07:00

she rocks

2007-07-10T09:22:00.000-07:00

Sarah Vowell quote of the day:

"Excuse me, but 'LAWMAN'? Did you just say 'LAWMAN'? You mean, like a cop?"

2007-07-09T12:18:00.000-07:00

File under: you know you're living the family life when...

On your free weekend during which your beautiful daughter is spending some much needed respite time with her grandparents you're perusing the internet looking for something fun to do with your husband; upon finding a number of festivals, parties, and destinations all occuring that same weekend, you think to yourself "no, what fun would that be without Suzie to share it with?" and choose instead to stay in town, catch an early dinner/movie, and head home to turn in early.

Big time. But good. Really really good.

Isn't it wild?

2007-07-08T08:18:00.000-07:00

Can you believe that after all the troubled times in the past 2 and half years our family life has finally settled into a nice, stable, loving, predictable routine and we're thinking it's a good idea to turn it on it's proverbial ear? Doesn't that sound really crazy to you? Like, really fucking crazy to you? It sure does me. Honest to god, after all my talk of wanting to just raise one child because she in herself was far too much work for me, and how we really couldn't afford to raise another to the standard of living to which we're accustomed, and how I really didn't want to stop working and stay at home with a baby again; we are sooooo back in the baby-making saddle. Foolhardy? Possibly. Incredibly fucking short sited and actually quite stupid? That too! But I don't know, boy oh boy do I want another tiny infant. Tiny hands. Tiny face, searching for milk...Oh, so sweet.

However, two of the three moms I know in real life with multiple kids would both probably agree that as much as they love their second children, having them may have been a serious error in judgement. The third family I know with multiple children seems to do alright, I'm not quite sure how, but would probably tell me that I personally couldn't handle it...She's a bitch who spends most of her life on a lot of xanex and valium though so I won't put too much stock into her opinion of my parenting...Maybe that's why so many families in this small town of mine only have one...Maybe they were the smart ones?

Could we do in in a house this small? It's not that the house is small, really, it's quite roomy, but it does have something of a lack of bedrooms...Lots of kids share a room though, right? We could downsize, get a smaller bed, take out one of the computer desks and keep the baby with us for the first year or two? I really like the idea of not upsizing just to fit in another person. I love our house and our view and our lake and our huge front yard and our quiet dead end street, it's a great place to be outside with my family.

Anyway, baby forthcoming. I'll keep you posted.

Sarah Vowell is my hero.

2007-07-07T19:32:00.000-07:00

She's so funny. She's an amazing writer. Her voice is the cutest thing I've ever heard in my life. She's so amazingly talented. She writes in really long sentences. She knows tons and tons of 50 cent words. Her friends are amazing and smart and talented and probably also write in long sentences using really big words. She's everything that I like to pretend I could have become if I wasn't such a moron in high school and an idiot in college. If I pretend hard enough I could have been just as much a genius as Sarah Vowell.

This is our free weekend wherein Suzie goes to stay with her grandparents. It's lovely. Very very very relaxing and rejuvenating. I'm very fortunate that we have this time. The past four or so free weekends have been spent doing taxes, redoing our quicken, deep cleaning the house, and more and more of the same. Amazingly, this weekend we had nothing planned. Nothing social and nothing financial--thank god. We slept in, went for a walk, went to a matinee, and then out to dinner. A really, really good day.

Tonight I think we'll finally finish season 3 of Veronica Mars and probably attempt to conceive Suzie's new sister. I mean, we've been attempting the conception for a month or so now but it just keeps not sticking and darn it--we are not quitters!--so we're just gonna keep on doing it, come hell or highwater, until one of us gets knocked up.

Suzie's been home sick for a week.

2007-07-06T08:42:00.000-07:00

Today is my day to stay home with her. I had her Monday, John had her Tuesday and Thursday, we were both home with her Wednesday, so today John really needed to go into work, and I really wanted to have an excuse to stay home. I know my boss wants to give me a hard time about it, it must absolutely be killing him to not give me trouble but the bottom line is that I do great work and make his life a lot easier, better to have me and my spotty attendance than have to go through 5 temps again, looking for someone to competently do the job...Anyway, boring work stuff.

I had a really hot dream last night about a guy from high school. How weird is that? I mean, there's this one particular guy (the one that got away) that I still dream about all the time, which is kind of pathetic in itself, but last night's dream lover wasn't someone I ever even really gave a passing thought to. Well, maybe a passing thought or six, but he was never a big kind of deal to me--just this sexy stoner dumb jock kind of guy. Whatever, it was a great dream and I was totally bummed out to wake up.

Please excuse the absolute ridiculousness of any upcoming blog posts. I haven't written anything outside of a purchase order in the last 6 months, and really nothing of substance in about 2 and half years, I'm a little rusty.

I feel really frustrated, there's so much I want to write and say, but it's all such a jumbled mess inside my dusty, cobweb filled mind that I think I've forgotten how to access it in any meaningful way. I read so many amazing blogs, by so many people that have sooooo much to say--I feel like there's no point to my writing anything anyway since I'm in no way at that level of thought or output. I guess that's a big part of what blogging has done the the casual journal-writer (at least to this casual journal-writer), given me that sense that every entry has to make a statement, needs to stand alone as piece of important writing. Maybe I'll just let that go. I can think of three people who might be reading this anyway, what the hell; I'm just gonna start from scratch. 6th grade journal writing 101 here I come.

Now I've got to get Suzie packed for the weekend with her grandparents.

So I haven't posted in months and months,

2007-07-05T15:31:00.000-07:00

primarily because I couldn't access the new blogger from work--damn firewalls, and secondarily because I've been busy and not interested in sitting down to blog at home. Surprisingly today I logged into blogger on a lark and was amazed to find I could once again access the control panel. Who knew? Certainly not me, obviously. I have no idea how long this has been a time-killing possibility.

Anyway, things have been good. Really good actually. I guess I went through a pretty dark period this last spring and winter, but the summer is off to a fantastic start. Maybe I'll have some time to catch up later.

Currently I can hardly walk. John talked me into a 4th of July family run yesterday and I'm sore from waist to knee. It was a really great day though, despite the forced run. :) I woke up depressed and a touch hungover. I think the hangover really wasn't that bad, I was mostly just disappointed in myself for having gotten to that state in the first place. We ran along the river though, which was gorgeous, and then hiked to an abandoned river bank and threw rocks in the current for an hour or so. Next was home, lunch, and taking Suzie out for her first family canoe trip. Great, great fun and she was a perfect traveler, sitting perfectly still in the center of the canoe, intent on her role of keeping the boat steady. We cruised through fields (?) of lily pads and picked Suzie a boquet of lily blossoms. We all got a little too much sun but not too much that the afternoon was spoiled. Home again, got Suze down for a THREE HOUR NAP, got busy with my husband, big taco salads for dinner, then swimming in the neighbors' pool and watching fireworks over the lake while drinking cold beer and eating local strawberries and chocolate before crashing into bed at 10.

All in all it was pretty close to the perfect summer day.

This is brief--I'm working now and really still deciding which direction I want this blog to take now that I know I can access it again. Look for daily updates. ;)

I got nothing man.

2007-01-23T18:35:00.000-08:00

I'm just livin. L.I.V.I.N.

Things are allright--up and down--but mostly allright. I'm working, quite enjoying my job actually, taking care of Suze, and I started running yesterday. So that's all something, right?

I've been given quite a bit more responsibility at work, doing things that I really enjoy doing and I've gotten to a place of confidence; of knowing what I'm responsible for and more importantly know what I'm NOT responsible for and conversely, who IS. That's a good feeling, I've got much less of the nervous stomach that I used to carry around and that caused me to sweat anytime anybody walked up to my desk needing something; which given that I'm the company buyer, was quite often.

The running's been fun. Granted, it's only been a couple of days, but I've been looking forward to it for about a month. The plan is to pick Suzie up from daycare in the stroller on nice-ish days and then run her home. That gives me an out for the icky days since I wouldn't want to subject her to the cold, rainy weather.

So yeah, not much else going on. Dinner with a friend last week; planning a big play date/kids' party in Februray; working...

If something happens you'll be the first to know but in the meantime, yeah, I really got nothing to report.

Yep, it's really been that long again.

2007-01-05T09:32:00.000-08:00

I was getting tired of my own pity party so I decided not to post for a while. Things are better now; definitely improved. Whether that's due to the alignment of the stars, my bizarre cycle, some internal chemical adjustment, or a combination of the three I'm not sure; the bottom line though is that I'm feeling quite a great deal better and I hope the feeling lasts for a while. I'm not exactly manic, though I was for a good five days; I just feel, I don't know, kind of even I guess. It's nice.

The holidays have come and gone. They were good. I took 10 days off work which was very much needed; I stayed with my parents for a good chunk of that time and so got some also very much needed rest; and most importantly I had a much, much, much needed slumber party with my dear, dear, dear friend, C, who always fills me with excitement, energy, and possibilities. I hate that I see her so rarely but love that despite the distance we still have such a good time together. Unfortunately it seems to be our destiny that there will always be an issue between one of us and the other's partner but I'm thinking we've gotten to a place of equilibrium with that. I'm hoping so, anyway. The very best thing about her? Not a psycho bone in her body--ok, well, maybe there's one or two but everybody's got at least that many right? Especially opposed to most of my close friends who seem to have psychosis imbued into their very skeletal systems...

Now a vent (depending on how much free time I carve out for myself today this may be the first of a few). Last night I'd arranged to take my PBF to dinner for a late birthday celebration. Her husband would watch Suzie for an hour or so until John was able to pick her up after work. I'd made dinner reservations for 6, with the intention of arriving at her house at 5:30 to spend some time getting Suzie acclimated before I took off. I'll make it clear that PBF and her husband were aware of this plan; I'd even asked before hand if their eldest daughter had dance class that night and if so did I need to schedule around the husband having to leave to drive her there. "Don't worry about it" he said "I've got it taken care of." Great!

(does anyone else get the feeling there might be a problem brewing?)

Because of traffic I get to their house about 10 minutes late. I walk into chaos, as usual, but for once the house is exceptionally clean. I reply, "wow, it looks great in here!" which grants me a scowl from PBF. I made the mistake of not dropping the subject and asked if her eldest daughter had cleaned up. "No, nobody cleaned." was the reply. Let me clarify that PBF's house is bar none, the dirtiest, most disgusting house I've ever seen. Granted, I'm sure there are lots of people with ickier houses, but they're not people I generally associate with. Today the house was visibly scrubbed; the toys were put away, there was no rotting food in the kitchen, and most importantly, the bathroom is free of really disgusting, unmentionable things around the toilet. "Ok" I think to myself "I guess in crazy world houses clean themselves..."

The next thing I notice is that PBF and her toddler are contentedly watching American Psycho together. I haven't seen the movie but the bit I saw last night was of Christian Bale killing one of his co-workers with a shiny, silver axe. I shielded Suzie's eyes and kept her focused on me so she wouldn't see the on-screen violence at which point PBF turned the channel and pointedly told me "it's actually a really funny movie, Jane." Ok, right, American Psycho is actually a comedy aimed at an audience of toddlers. I'll run right out and replace Suzie's Wiggles video collection with the complete works of Brett Easton Ellis. Good plan!

The next problem is that the eldest daughter needed to be picked up at dance class downtown at 5:45 and delivered to drill practice at 6. Coincidentally the same time as our dinner reservation--weird huh? Especially considereing I'd asked them if 6:00 dinner reservation would work. It wasn't a problem calling the restaurant and rescheduling, it was more just the irritation of such disrespect. At that point I wanted to ask PBF if she even WANTED to go out to dinner as it seemed to be causing much difficulty for their family. I'm me though, so I didn't, I just sat with Suzie and read her a book which really was fine with me until it was time to head out.

The channel was changed and I felt ok about leaving Suzie with the husband and the toddler and long as PBF and her toxic energy had left the building but I still went outside and called John and told him to get off work and over to their house as quickly as possible. Anyway, the dinner went alright, PBF was happy to have a dinner out, blah blah blah. End of vent....For now.

???

2006-12-12T09:03:00.000-08:00

I am so seriously dissatisfied with my life right now. How does one even go about fixing that? How do you correct mistakes you made 10 and 15 years ago? I'm too old to start over. I have a family to support and not enough hours in the day.

An update.

2006-12-11T08:34:00.000-08:00

I'm not really feeling driven to write right now; I'm actually at work with quite a bit to do, but after last week's desolation I felt I should at least do a quick weekend recap.

Things are feeling more hopeful, a weekend of rest will do that I guess. Also, John's mom didn't end up coming to stay with us, which was very helpful. So I guess I hadn't really written the backstory, which is that she was diagnosed with very early-stage cervical cancer about a month back. Since she's an older woman with an at-risk lifestyle, the doctors decided to just do a radical hysterectomy and be done with it. Being a stubborn woman who's often prone to denial, she figured she'd just go home afterwards and "take it easy" for a while. As anyone who's ever had a major surgery in which a large portion of your internal anatomy is removed could attest, it's not quite that easy. So the answer was that she was going to come and stay with us. The problem is that we have a pretty small house and her living quarters were either going to be on our couch or bunking in Suzie's room--neither of which were exciting prospects for any of us.

As stressed and tired and depressed and overworked as I was feeling last week, the thought of caretaking this woman (who is a handful in the best of times) was just about putting me over the edge. John ended up spending Saturday extricating her from the hospital though and by the time they'd made it back down to our neck of the woods had found a much more suitable caretaking arrangement for her. This afforded me a massive sigh of relief.

Plus, it was Suzie's monthly weekend with her grandparents so after a tear-filled Saturday morning I had essentially a full day and half to shop, eat a nice lunch, read, clean the house, and generally start to feel human and appreciated and like I could breathe again. It took me a good 4 hours to kick the depression; I kind of wasted my shopping time at the farmer's market still feeling down, but a good lunch and trips to a few childrens' consignment stores soon lifted my mood. It felt soooo good to not be so mired in desolation for a change.

So that's where things stand now. I'm at work. I'm feeling ok. I got a good kundalini yoga workout on yesterday and feel much less stiff and sore, my house is (rather) decorated for the holidays, my daughter's beautiful and I feel able to appreciate her toddlerish enthusiasm again. I'm just going to try and hang on to the happiness for as long as possible.

Empty. Empty. Empty.

2006-12-07T17:13:00.000-08:00

There is so little of me left and what IS left I hardly recognize any more. I'm pretty much just a caretaking shell. A caretaking shell that cries all the time. My mom was asking me earlier what I'd like for Christmas. I thought for a long time and couldn't come up with anything. I have so few (read: none) interests or hobbies that I have no idea what a nice gift might look like. My first thought was "how about a new something or other for Suzie" my second thought was "oh, the i-pod you're getting for John is enough for both of us" and my second thought was "oh, well I guess a new pair of jeans and a haircut would be nice." cause that's all I can think of.

(the next two paragraphs are from an email I sent to a friend earlier but they sum it all up so well that I'm just going to copy them into blogger)

I was just talking with my therapist yesterday about how little "me" time I have. I get up when Suzie or the cats ask me to, I give her a bath, make breakfast and lunches for everyone, go to work, run straight home and pick her up, clean the house, make dinner for everyone, nurse her to sleep, and finally take a tylenol PM so I can get 8 un-interupted hours before it all starts again. I put EVERYONE'S needs before mine and I'm so fucking tired of it.

I think I mentioned that my parents take Suzie for one weekend a month so John and I can have some alone time and try to rekindle some kind of relationship that's not just about surviving and raising a child. Every weekend it fills up with everyone else's needs and I still don't get a break. I've given and given and given for so long that everyone has just come to expect it from me and when I don't, I'm a bitch.

John tries to help sometimes too. He tells me that I should leave the house and have some alone time to focus on something I want to do. The problem, again, is that I don't HAVE anything to do. I'm so dysthymic, I'm just flat. I was looking throught the continuing ed courses at Evergreen and SPSCC today, 3/4s of them were of no interest to me and the courses that did look promising I immediately shot down because of fear or shame or some other unrecognized emotion.

I am so stuck.

Body Painting

2006-11-06T15:19:00.000-08:00

Just cause I haven't posted a pic in ages...

Patterns, habits, ways of being seen, stuff like that...

2006-11-06T12:53:00.000-08:00

My first instinct was to write "I'm so tired of being the odd man out." But then the more I thought about the more I realized I'm not exactly tired of it anymore. "Used to it" I guess is a more accurate term; maybe "kind of bored of it."

A woman in my office had her birthday last week, we're not especially close but I thought we, you know, at least kind of appreciated each other. I had wished her a happy birthday earlier in the day and that afternoon I heard her going around inviting people for drinks with her after work; not EVERYBODY else in the office or anything, but quite a few of them and definitely not me, despite asking someone else while I was within earshot/eyesight. And the thing is that fundamentally I really don't care. I know on a real level I don't have anything in common with her or with any of the people that she invited, I probably wouldn't even have gone, but still, the point is that she's just one in a looooong line of people who don't feel connected enough to me to even invite me out for drinks with a group, you know?

It's just so rare that I ever really fit in with a group of people. I think I had the best luck when I was doing my graduate work at Antioch, I had a pretty tight-knit group of friends/study partners who were going through the program with me. I didn't keep in touch with any of them but while I was there I always had a group of people I felt comfortable with and connected too. At different times in my life I've had groups like that; I remember having four good friends in one of my particularly tough programs at Evergreen, and there were a few years in the early 90s where I had an amazing group of friends.

Usually though my life reads a lot like it does here at my current place of employment. I take my lunch alone with a book (which is great, truthfully, as I have so little time to read at home and I'd much rather be reading a good book than interacting with people who haven't matured much past the 11th grade), I don't see anybody from work outside of work, and I'm never invited to drinks with the co-workers. What about me makes me so difficult to connect with?

Still though, I guess I don't really want to change it. I mean, do I really want to change who I am so these particular rednecks feel more comfortable drinking shots inappropriately named after bodily functions with me? Not really. So maybe it's my "fault" then. Maybe it's just obvious that I'm not really one of them.

I'm rambling now.

I just wish I had a group of friends again that I was part of. I've tried over the years to make new groups of friends. I went to MOMS club, La Leche League meetings, same deal. When I didn't work so much I went to yoga and dance classes; that was good and I met some cool people but you're, you know, doing yoga or dancing so there's not really much time to get to know anyone...I tried to reconnect with the friends from the early 90s; didn't really work, I guess we've all changed too much. So I don't know. How DOES one go about making friends? Craigslist? I'm not looking for a date, just someone to connect with on a real level.

Ms. Cloud 7.5, you've really got to get your ass back to Olympia; and Andrew, I'm sure you'll be nodding your head in understanding to most of this.

Seriously.

2006-11-02T13:20:00.000-08:00

I'm so mired down in the ugliness of the world right now that I can't.even.function. For real. All the pain and suffering and hopelessness feels so acutely real right now that it feels impossible to do anything except put my head in my hands and cry. And I'm supposed to care about cleaning out the miscellaneous files in my filing cabinet? A man in Atlanta just cut off his daughter's clitoris with a pair of scissors and I'm supposed to file? This practice has been going on for hundreds of years and I'm supposed to care about bathtubs? How many kids a day are starving, being beaten, and torn apart by U.S. bombs and I'm supposed to give a fuck about my boss' ego? I just can't do it today. I know most of us, myself included, are usually able to forget or put aside the horribleness that is human nature and get the job done, but today that just feels so worthless an existence. At the same time though, what am I really supposed to do about it? I feel imobilized by my helplessness.

Depressed and angsty.

2006-10-26T08:48:00.000-07:00

Blah. I'm tired, I can't break this diet plateau, I'm drinking too much, I have no motivation, the same makeup application that last week made me look tousled and sexy today makes me looked like a burnt-out 20-something junkie college student. I just want some damn excitement and energy. I fell asleep meditating on it last night, I guess I was expecting to wake up more hopeful. Maybe it's just too soon. Maybe I just need to keep praying and meditating on finding my goal/path to meaning for longer than one night. Ya think?

My attention span is just so relatively short though and I'm such a slave to my cycle that I'll give up because I'll hit that week-long span or so where all I care about is sex with as many people as possible and I'll get knocked straight back to go, without collecting my $200. I'm just so tired of this same pattern, over and over and over. I read all the right books, you know? I do so many of the right things and yet here I am, writing the same entry I wrote 6 months ago and a year ago and five years ago and at this point even 10 and 15 years ago. 15 fucking years I've been doing the same things, having the same thoughts, and dealing with my issues in exactly the same way. At this point I'm feeling like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day--why bother making any changes, obviously nothing is ever going to change. Though I guess he perseveres and takes the high road and attempts to make it as good as he can and eventually he does break through it, but I'm just so tired. Today I want to steel Punxatawny Phil and drive off a cliff.

I was ovulating last week.

2006-10-20T14:54:00.000-07:00

That's clearly the only reason I was so caught up in the physical and the mundane all week long. Putting on eyeliner, control top hosiery, making eyes at the guys at work...This week it's totally like "get up, get dressed, whatever, and could you please step away from my desk while you're at it? It makes me crazy how quickly I jump from one astral focus to the next though, it makes it feel impossible to actually know myself. Maybe I should just be ok with that. I mean, who said I had to be either "slutty party girl" or "silent spiritulist?" Maybe I can just be ok with flipping back and forth for awhile...

I guess that's all I have to say right now.

I'm tired. Ooooh, here it comes again...I feel dissatisfied with my life. (this is soooo cyclical). I have my period and feel at once exhausted with life and the prospect of making anything of mine. I'm tired of being hit on at work, I'm tired of my going nowhere friends; I want to travel and write and learn and change and feel passionate about what I do for a living. Mostly I want to be a good mom to Suzie though and I can't do any of that if I'm off in some Ashram in India for months at a time. I need to somehow reconcile my need to run with the fact that I've been gifted with this amazing daughter and I need to do all I can for her.

One cool thing that I've essentially forgotten for the past decade is that an an Antioch alumnus (alumni? I think the singular is nus...) I can audit any class offered (that's got a space open) for free. Not for credit of course but I couldn't care any less about credit. I thought maybe I'd start in the winter but I don't really want to be commuting to Seattle once a week once the weather hits. Come spring though I think that could be a viable option.

In the meantime though I'm thinking that my goal is to figure out how to be happy with what I have. I need to stop running and constantly looking for more and instead find the more in what I already have. How deep is that?

kinda bored now. I'm going to go read for an hour until I can go home.

Plate tectonics. A simple linen dress.

2006-10-15T08:50:00.000-07:00

Today's lesson--what do these two natural phenomena have in common. Actually, it's not my intent to delve into this riddle at all this morning. I'm simply going to discuss both of the. Or, rather, what I mean to say more accurately is, neither of them.

Where could I possibly be going with this early-morning, dream-inspired entry opener. Simple. Shifts. I'm talking about shifts. Or shifting, as it were. Paradigm? Geological? The always correct answer for the fashion-impaired? No, nothing so grandiose as any of that. I'm just talking about little old me and my current trend towards (finally) growing up and changing how I view the world and my place in it--a little.

So, long time readers of this blog (hellllo...Is there anybody out there? --read this with just the slightest tremble of trepidation as I stand, nearly alone, in the dark cavern that has become my blog.) will/might/ could quite possibly remember that way back in the misty pre-history of before I found myself pregnant with Suzie I had the tiniest little crush on a bass player from town. Maybe crush isn't the right word. Passing interest? No...Unrequited love? Not exactly...Obsession? Yes! That the word! I had a relentless, ridiculous, hopeless, staggering, and ultimately humilitating obsession with a guy who, for all intents and purposes, treated me pretty badly. Nothing abusive really; to be honest, I don't think he was interested enough to be abusive. Mostly it was just me, letting myself be taken advantage of and for granted because I was trying so desperately to win his affection; to win, period.

It ended, quite naturally, about six months later than it should have, when I was nearing the 6 month point in my pregnancy and my priorities had shifted, very appropriately, to where they needed to be focused, taking care of myself, and my baby, and my growing family--and not a bit too early in the uninterested guy's opinion, I'm sure.

So here we are, fast forward two+ years to the present. I've got a gorgeously temperamental toddler and have been so busy giving her nearly everything I've got and dealing with all these libido-suppressing breastfeeding hormones to boot that I've hardly given a second thought to any extra-marital (or marital, for that matter) activities. But all of a sudden something's changed; in the past month I've felt so energized--you know, like really fucking horny energized, almost constantly. I've been emailing quite a lot with an old boyfriend from high school; a guy at work that I've had a mutual attraction thing with for a good four years has really been upping his game (or lackthereof unfortunately); and now, to top it all off, I was visiting the home of the aforementioned unhealthy obsession (not visiting HIM per se, but his landlord, the crazy woman who originally inspired me to begin this blog) and he was clearly, in his own lackluster way, hitting on me.

Something has clearly changed. I don't know if it's my current cocktail of hormones, the pheremones I'm secreting, or just that I've finally lost every last bit (and then some) of the baby weight I've been carrying around but people, and by "people" I mean "men" seem really to have started paying attention to me again. It's an odd feeling, after feeling kind of "momish" and invisible for almost two years. So when this former obsession so romantically emailed me the proposition that we could "you know, get together again, sometime, maybe, if you wanna." a BIG BIG BIG part of me (like, probably close to 120%) thought something along the lines of "you bet your ass I wanna."

In the meantime though, I've been absorbing (as I mentioned in yesterday's much more succinct post) a really great book. The Goddess Rules, by a 20 or 30-something (I'm leaning towards 30-something) British novelist. As I mentioned to Andrew yesterday, I go through phases where I absolutely adore this Bridget-Jones genre of fiction. There's always just something heroic about the normal, usually slightly overweight, often a little mousy title character that gives me hope. In this particular novel, our heroine, Kate, begins a friendship with a fictionalized but thinly veiled 60-something Brigitte Bardot who, despite her advancing age, has clearly still got it. As is the standard course of action in most novels of this ilk the main character will generally be spurred on by some catalyst that encourages her to drop a few pounds (stone, more accurately as she will often, conversely, gain or inherit a more than a couple actual British pounds), get a few highlights, buy some new underwear, and most importantly, dump the cad she's been wasting her time with and who can't give her a proper orgasm anyway, and hook it up with the subtly gorgeous, kind man she's never really noticed but who's (usually) been in love with her for years and years and can rock her world like it's never, ever been rocked. The Goddess Rules was no less formulaic but I guess it just happened along at exactly the right time.

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!? SHE'S FINALLY GOING TO GET TO HER FUCKING POINT!

And here it is. I've come to a point, an honest to god, point in my life where I'm no longer interested in having/willing to have sex with any man (woman, person, whatever) that isn't completely adoring of me. No more settling, no more wondering, and no more--god forbid--seducing people into it (or me, as it were) who aren't completely, overwhelmingly, and totally hungry to feel that energy with ME. That's what this former obsession's email reminded me of. Towards the end of our "relationship" everytime we had sex there was this kind of underlying current that he didn't really want to even be there; I'd talked him into it and he was too weak to stop it. How unsexy is that on soooo many levels? And while he was definitely at that top of that pile, it hasn't been entirely different with some of my other past conquests. Not only did the former partner not adore me, I'm not entirely sure he really even liked me; and judging by a recent blog entry of his, I'm not sure that's changed.

Doesn't that sound terrible? And even when it's not that ugly, I'm still not interested in hooking up with someone only to wonder if he'll still be interested, if he'll call me again, blah blah blah. It's all so tired. If that leaves only my husband for the time being, I'm absolutely great with that--he loves me, he can't get enough of me, and he can't keep his thoughts and his hands off me. It's settling to allow for anything else.

I think there's more, unbelievably, that I could write about this but I've already spent far too long on it and really need to get back to the family.

Another day, another...Wait, haven't I been here before?

2006-10-13T09:14:00.000-07:00

Actually, yesterday turned out pretty well. My boss' bosses, and my boss as well, were out of the office by about 11 a.m. so after a long lunch with John, I was able to sit at my desk and read for a good four hours. Sweet! I used to feel so frustrated when the bosses would leave early but I was still tied to the time clock and thus effectively hobbled and unable to leave work myself. Eventually though it occurred to me that I had just been given a significant chunk of hours to get paid for doing my very favorite (ok, maybe second very favorite) thing in the world, reading; and well, I could hardly complain. So as I've got very little work on my desk today I'm hoping for the bosses to clear out of here by about 1 at the latest. That would rock. My boss is currently at breakfast with a hottie sales rep so while I don't have the freedom to actually break out my reading material, I do have a few minutes to update this long-neglected blog.

And that's about all I've got for now. Maybe I'll do a real update later.

p.s. Andrew--I sent you a reply this morning, did you get it? I'm about finished with Comcast.

Another day, another 8 1/2 hours of nothing to do.

2006-10-12T08:18:00.000-07:00

Oh come on, now that's not true! That 1/2 hour is my lunch break where I'll be able to sit quietly and read my gorgeous new slice of gossipy chicklit that I picked up at the library yesterday! If only I could read at my desk for the remainding 8 hours. As it happens, I'll probably have an hour of actual work float across my desk at different points during the day, and then I'll read the NY and Seattle Times and a bunch of blogs for a while before asking my co-workers if I can use their desks to check my myspace (for some nefarious reason only my computer is blocked to myspace.) So that's my day. If anyone has any eye-opening solutions please give a call.

Question...

2006-07-20T17:41:00.000-07:00

Given the choice would you choose to spend your vacation in a beautiful place but where your everyday activities involved ceaselessly running after your spirited toddler while your husband worked as a hired hand taking care of endless "quick projects?" Oh, and when you do get a break every once in a while an old man in the early phases of sinility barked orders at you and expected you to make his dinner and iron his tee-shirts and pillowcases.

No, me either.

I haven't been doing too well lately.

2006-07-12T16:53:00.000-07:00

I feel flat, affectless, aimless and awash. I feel frustrated with myself and unsure as to how to change it. I'm leaving for two weeks on Saturday; maybe a change of scenery will shake things up. Here's hoping. I enjoy my job, I really do, and I enjoy taking care of my house and my family but outside of that (and I know that's more than lots of people can claim), outside of that I really feel like I have nothing these days. I have no hobbies, no interest, and very few friends. I mean, I know I have friends but I have literally nobody that I can just call up if I get off work early and say "let's meet for a movie" or coffee or lunch or shopping or whatever. I think a huge part of that is that I'm incredibly boring, I have nothing to offer in the way of conversation these days as, like I said, I have no hobbies or interests outside of feeding, bathing, and playing with Suzie. My brain doesn't hold onto information in such a way that I can just skip into a dialogue with a person about any given subject--even if I know tons about that particular given subject--my quick recall skills just aren't there. I just don't have it.

My hobbies, for the past 15 or so years have been as follows: drinking (escape and unhealthy), men (escape and unhealthy and usually combined with drinking), reading (escape), and travel (escape and expensive). What gives, you know?!? I'm trying to come up with a hobby, something--ANYTHING--that interests me beyond those fallbacks. Something that I can afford and that doesn't take too much travel to get to and I keep keep coming up short.

John suggest hiking and he's right; I do love hiking. I love being alone in the woods (well, with John) and I always feel better about any given situation after taking a long walk in the mountains, but again with the travel--it's at least an hour's drive from here to anywhere remote and John and I are both working 6-day weeks--that leaves painfully little time for anything on Sunday except cleaning, shopping, and cooking for the week's lunches.

?!?!?!
!!!!!!!!

What to do? Other past hobbies:

Horseback riding--prohibitively expensive
Dance classes--a little too expensive, I am still really interested in the 5 rhythms thing though.
Gym--not really any interest these days
Cooking--with these thighs? I've lost 20 pounds this year and I'd really like to continue with that trend, thanks.
Cycling--actually that's never been a hobby but I am interested in it. I have weak ankles that don't lend themselves to running to maybe biking would be a good fit...

The other think I've been pretty down about lately is the fact that I'm really not great at anything. I don't excel at anything. I'm OK at a lot of things but how can I not be great at any single thing in the world. Have I just not discovered it yet? I find that hard to believe--I went to a liberal arts college for god's sake. I don't know. It's been troubling me for quite a few years now but I just keep pushing it aside. It really hit me last night though and it completely goes hand in hand with having no interests.

I need to quit this. I'm leaving in two days and the house is a mess and I haven't started packing.

I am verklempt.

2006-06-20T09:50:00.000-07:00

The mothering.com discussion board is down. Now how should I spend my workday?

I'm actively trying to lose control. I really am.

2006-06-15T12:58:00.000-07:00

I'm so tired of being in complete control of my body all the time. It's so exhausting. I'm constantly controlling the set of my jaw, the level of my gaze, the straightness of my shoulders, the sucked-in-ness of my stomach, the swing of my arms. Every bit of me is under constant self-scrutiny and control. Even when I'm dancing, maybe especially when I'm dancing, everything is just so controlled. I don't dance anymore unless it's to a steady 4/4 hip-hop or dance beat and even when I'm totally wasted, I'm still in control, I'm just dancing a little sluttier. Like I said, it's just so exhausting.

I've been reading a new book called Sweat Your Prayers by Gabrielle Roth. She's the woman who developed the 5 rhythms theory of movement that I've been interested in but far too deeply scared to checkout for a few years now. She's really got me thinking about movement and the world and how I allow, or don't allow, myself to move through it. Part of her approach has to do with dancing, often, letting yourself go while paying close attention to exactly how your body is doing and how IT feels like dancing.

As I've mentioned, when it comes to dancing, especially in public, it's extremely rare that I'm not doing something sexy; either hip-hop stuff or something Latin, it's always got hips and it's usually more for the benefit of others than it is for myself. This book has really got me thinking about movement and all the different ways of moving to music, many of which are entirely NOT sexy. It's really quite liberating, like I'm hearing music for the first time. Driving home from work yesterday I kept the radio on one station, one that I normally wouldn't bother with, and listened deeply to every song, especially the ones that I was most inclined to skip. I thought about ways to dance to each individual song and visualized myself doing it.

It was amazing! I couldn't wait to get home and dance. I couldn't wait to get home and let my body express something, anything, besides sexuality. I felt like a kid who had been given permission to skip school and run wild all day. It was so exciting. I'm still kind of riding it. I hate that I'm stuck here at work today--I really just want to be home dancing and cuddling with Suzie.

2006-06-08T07:36:00.000-07:00

So I've got this, I don't know, I guess you really couldn't call him more than a social aquaintence, who recently send me a friend request on myspace. I've seen him at social gatherings and parties for a good 10 years but I can't say I've ever really had a conversation with him beyond the basic small talk. Over the years I've gotten the sense that he's one of those semi-depressed guys with low self esteem who's developed some anger towards women probably because he wasn't treated very well by them during his adolesence, his teenage years, and likely into his early adulthood. Who knows, he still may not be treated well by them, but this is all speculation, I truly have no real idea of his history or current situation.

Anyway, I was reading through many of my myspace friends' blogs today and came across his for the first time. There are quite a few "nobody likes me, EVERYBODY hates me" posts and then a couple of pretty disturbing entries that read as a list of the violence and degradation that he feels compelled to bestow on some unfortunate woman who made the mistake of not being able to love him in the way that he needs to be loved. I am absolutely livid right now. Who the fuck does this guy think he is to threaten to rape a woman because she isn't strong enough to handle his many emotional needs?!? Granted, I don't know this guy well and I don't know his situation, but still, he's repeatedly talking about killing, raping, and hurting an unnamed woman and about his need to do this based on his own sorrow and self-proclaimed self-pity.

That aside, I FUCKING HATE IT when people talk about "everybody" hating them. It's so self-centered and meglomaniacal. I mean honestly, most people, well aside from the woman he's threatening to rape and kill, her family and probably her friends DON'T hate this guy; most people just don't care; which I suppose to a narcicist is the same as hate. But whatever, I'm pretty sure this guy isn't sitting around, feeling concern for me and my family all the time. I'm pretty sure my well being isn't at the fore of his conciousness. I don't think he's sitting around pondering "hmmm, I wonder if Jane had a tough night with Suzie last night. I wonder if she was up all night and didn't sleep because her little one was sick and puking. Hmmm, I feel a deep compassion for her today." No, he's not, and THAT'S FINE! I don't expect him to be thinking of me, I don't expect most people to be thinking of me all the time, just as I'm not thinking of them.

I'm just living man. L-I-V-I-N. Just like we all are. Most of us are spending our lives taking care of ourselves and our families and our loved ones with not a lot of extra time left over to sit and think about some random man in some random city and how he can't get over his past and have a nice relationship with a woman. And most of us certainly aren't spending any energy hating him. He just doesn't matter. I know that sounds harsh but my god, it's no more harsh than wishing death on people for being too busy to act as your personal therapist.

Ok, this has spiraled into something I wasn't really going for.

I should work.

Here's our girl

2006-06-06T05:05:00.001-07:00

breaking it down, old-school feminist style.

I've been moderately nauseous for a week.

2006-06-05T08:08:00.000-07:00

I decided to start taking Wellbutrin a couple of weeks ago and this seems to be my only side effect. I'm really not noticing any difference in my affect or sex drive; I still feel just a notch above flat. The first week I felt pretty good, but that may have been hormonal or just in my head, I even had the briefest inkling of an interest in sex one morning, but that was it. As it is now any increase in interest would be completely washed by the nausea. Bummer. Totally. It's only been a week and a half though and I've committed to trying for three weeks. My doctor says that the pukiness usually goes away after two weeks so I'm going to play it by ear for another week and a half. Then I just don't know. I'm pretty bummed out about it though, after years of fruitless soul-searching and therapy I was really looking forward to a quick-fix, pharmaceutical cure.

My girl's been been pretty much amazing for the past two weeks. She started talking this past weekend and the words have been just tumbling out pretty randomly. "Read. Cheese. Ankle" It's so freakin cute. She's also been sleeping and eating a ton. Last night she slept for 11 1/2 hours and that's following a two and a half hour nap in the afternoon. It's nice though, a well rested mama who's had a little time to read a good book is a happy mama.

I'm beginning to plan a trip to Italy for my mom and me next year. I'm never as happy as when I'm planning a trip so that's a good thing. Italy isn't my first choice for a vacation destination, I mean it's kind of 1997, but she's never been there and vacationing with my mom can be a little stressful so visiting someplace that affords some level of comfort will probably be good. Ideally she'll hang with me for a week and then John and Suzie can come over and spend the following week with me. We'll see how Suzie's doing at that point, she'll be almost three and I have no idea what that will look like. We'd first discussed me spending a week with my mom and then her going home, Suzie staying with her and John coming to stay a week--I thought we could either go to Greece or spend some time in the Alps, but thinking a little more logically--leave Suzie for two weeks? I really don't think so.

Regrets, I've had a few...

2006-06-01T09:32:00.000-07:00

More than a few, as of late, actually. "It's better to regret the things you have done than to regret those that you haven't," right? Isn't that what some wise person said in some college graduation speech? I've always really appreciated that sentiment and have chosen not to regret some/many of my choices and actions over the years that many would have and indeed have found unsavory, chalking them up to good learning and of getting me to where I am today--happy, educated, and with a perfect husband and child. But what of all the things I HAVEN'T done, what of those? I'm most definitely getting to some sort of early mid-life crisis, thinking about what my life is not and whether it's too late to get it to where I want.

I was reading a family letter from a set of John's extended relatives. Their daughter is 19 and attending Seton Hall, studying diplomacy, and spending her weekends exploring New York City and working as a debate team referee. I spent my 19th year studying what I had to in order to receive a positive evaluation, working as an office assistant, and boning as many people as possible--mostly under the influence of gallons upon gallons of Boone's Farm Sangria. And that, in sum, was the first three years of my undergraduate education.

By the time I was a senior I was a bit more focused. I was working through a graduate-level, very dynamic Psych program and getting things in order to attend a well-recognized graduate school. That's good and I'm proud of that, but where did it get me? I chose my course of study poorly. I did well in it and found good work in my field after receiving my master's, but again, what of it? It wasn't work I enjoyed doing or received any excitement from; here in the northwest a master's in Psych or Social Work is a dime a dozen. Having no interest in doing private practice or case management leaves me very few options for actually using my degree.

What if.

What if I'd chosen a "real" school. What if I'd left the state and put more effort into studying the hard sciences, or business, or I don't know, anything else really. I wouldn't have met John when I was 18. I wouldn't have had him to support me through learning so much more about who I am than I ever thought possible. I wouldn't have had my beautiful Suzie. But what would I have had instead? Maybe something just as good? Maybe my mind would have been stimulated enough that I wouldn't have had to fill my time with intoxicants and men? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe I would have lived the same unhealthy lifestyle in some big city and gotten myself raped and killed. Of course it's all impossible to know and I've always been a big proponent of believing things happen for a reason, but still, I'm thinking a lot about that stuff these days. A lot about it, and I can't honestly say I have no regrets anymore.

Promises, Promises...

2006-05-31T07:41:00.000-07:00

God, I thought that being back at work was going to give me lots of blogging time.

Nope.

Wahoo for a great weekend!

2006-05-22T10:15:00.000-07:00

We just had the best weekend! I know that sounds kind of trite and high-school but we did and I'm so happy about it! I saw a ton of family, had a free night while Suz stayed with her grandparents, and then went to a great picnic with some nice new friends on Sunday. Really the only thing that would have made it any better would have been getting our bathroom re-tiling project finished.

The show was awesome, my friends' band rocks and their opening band was so much fun! Unfortunately I don't want to put their name in here as I'm still trying to keep this blog anonymous and don't want it coming up in a google search. I was the designated driver and was therefore stone-sober and still had a blast dancing my ass off. And I NEVER dance sober. Seriously now that I'm not in my 20s and going to clubs all the time I really hardly dance at all, sober or otherwise but I just really let myself get into it and out of my head for a few hours and it was most excellent.

Sunday's picnic was fantastic. The timing was pretty good too--there were a few rain showers, but the big rain hit mostly before and after we were trying to barbecue. Susie had soooo much fun running after a gang of four year olds. She must have ran for nearly 3 hours and then crashed by about 7:30 that night and slept for a good 11 hours. It was awesome. Not a single tear the entire picnic. She's so social, it's amazing.

Ever since she's been big enough to take her had off she's been loathe to keep one on--unless it's pretty damn cold out--but this morning, upon looking outside at the nasty, rainy weather, looked at John, pointed at the rain, and then signed that she'd like her hat before going out in it.

I've got to say that I really, truly love baby signing. It's so much fun to be able to communicate directly with her without having to go through the guessing game of what she might be needing. I mean, there's still a little of that, but the basics are covered. I think it must be so much less frustrating for her as well. Plus it's just really darn cute.

Gotta work!

Sometimes I feel so damaged.

2006-05-20T20:12:00.000-07:00

One of my very best friends told me today that she'd been in the hospital last week for a ruptured ectopic pregnancy. My heart is so sad for her, she hadn't known that she was pregnant and hadn't, up until this point, even known if she was able to become pregnant. While she was under the knife for surgery the doctor had to do quite a bit of internal cleanup as it turns out that when her appendix burst and was removed when she was a newborn, most of her internal organs has fused together and were horribly misplaced within her abdomen. Weird, huh? And she never knew--she's never been in the hospital before or had any sort of gynological issues requiring any professional to take a good look in there.

My main point though is that she's in a lot of physical and emotional pain. Her internal organs have all but been disconjoined and she's had a sizable incision. BUT, and here's the part that makes me feel damaged, she confided in me today that she was worried she put her recovery in jeopardy by having sex with her boyfriend yesterday. Get this, she KNEW it was dangerous--BUT SHE JUST COULDN'T HELP IT--SHE HAD TO DO IT!!!

I'm not criticizing her--absolutely not. I'm so happy for her that she's still so in love/lust with her partner that even in such a difficult time they had to rent a hotel room so they could go at it. I feel so damaged that I have so absolutely little sex drive. I feel so guilty and horrible about it. John deserves to have a healthy sexual relationship with his wife and it kills me that for so long I haven't been able to give it to him.

My friend suggested I take some female viagra or something. I told her I couldn't because I'm still nursing but that I did intent to in the next 6 months or so once Susie is weaned. She asked if I'd talked to my doctor to see if there was something safe to take while nursing.

DUH!?! Why am I such a dumbass? No, I haven't even thought about asking my doctor. God knows I'm not a pharmacologist, for all I know female viagra or the like may be completely safe to take while nursing--what do I know? So, thanks to my smarty-pants friend I'm going to call my doc tomorrow and see what he has to say about it.

Cool, yeah? I'm very excited about it! Well, you know, not excited excited, but happy, and maybe that will lead to something more.

For Andrew--

2006-05-19T16:24:00.000-07:00

Of course anyone's welcome to read it--this is a public web page--I'm just sayin'--Boring Alert--You've been warned.

Ok, so I started back to work at my old place of employment about two months ago. I don't know how many of you were reading my old blog while I was previously employed there before I got pregnant and had Suzie and left the company but I was friends with a co-worker named, um, how about James. I work at a pretty redneck factory in a small town and don't really get along politically with most of my co-workers--I definitely work in a "red" company. I thought James was cool from the start--he was vehemently and vocally anti-Bush administration/Iraq War and stood up to anybody in the company about it. He talked about his wife a lot--that she was really cool, very into yoga and fitness, she was a stay-at-home-mom--that kind of thing, and I was so excited to meet a cool new couple. I was never attracted to James but I knew he was to me but I just assumed it was a friendly thing and flirted back. We would eat lunch together in the company break room and just talk about all kinds of stuff. It was so cool to have a like-minded friend in such a dreary environment.

I'm being totally honest here, you all know that if I'd have been interested I would have made something happen, or at least attempted it, it's not like I was holding back in those days. But I didn't want anything to happen, I just liked having a cool lunch partner. So John and I hung out at their family's house a couple of times, we met their kids, they came to our Memorial Day party--things were great. Then one day James came to me and said that he and his wife, (um, I'm just going to give into my bitchy side and call her PB--short for psychotic bitch), had had a fight, she'd hit him a few times and told him he wasn't allowed to have lunch with me anymore.

Fine. Lunches were done. I was pissed but got over it mostly. He invited us to a party at their house a month or so later but I declined, I still felt a little bruised and didn't want to hang with a woman who didn't trust me with her husband. A few months later he even came to me and said that PB had expressed an interest in having a foursome/swingy/swappy thing with John and me. I was like "HELL FUCKING NO--that woman is psycho and there's no way I'm walking into that bees nest." And it was never brought up again.

Four months later I went into labor, left the company and didn't see either of them again until I went back to work in April. Having had two years for my pride to heal I was so excited to see James again. I called him my first day back, he didn't know I was coming back, and said "I've been thinking about you guys so much!" To which he replied "I've been thinking about YOU so much." I guess I should have seen the red flag for what it was but I tried to shrug it off. He came up to see me in my office and I gave him my number and email and said "talk to PB and have her get in touch with me--I'd love to hang out and have a beer--no drama necessary."

So a couple of days later I start getting emails from PB, they were pretty chatty and really, really long. This woman is a stay-at-home mom with all her kids in school so she has a LOT of time on her hands. Red flag number two--after I'd briefly responded to two lengthy emails she commented that I was clearly not as interested in a friendship as I'm made James think as I wasn't taking the time to write in kind. We cleared that up--hello, 15 minutes of computer time a day!!! That's when she brought up the issue with the lunches two years prior. That was fine with me too, I'd kind of forgotten just HOW psychotic she was and was looking forward to clearing the air, and her picture of me. In her opinion I'd been teasing him and "playing up to his kinks" because once I'd talked to him about these awesome knee-high, platform, latex boots I'd bought. I knew he was into hearing about them, but again, I guess I was naive but I didn't think I was leading him on--I NEVER flirted with him like I do with guys that I'm interested in--I never once touched his arm or lowered my voice or did any of the other flirty things I do to express an interest.

Blah. Whatever. We cleared that up.

I told her I wasn't interested in having sex with her husband AND told her (because she'd expressed interest) that she was more than able to have sex with mine if either (well, preferably both) were interested but that I don't have much sex drive lately and that I really just not that into girls so no threesomes for me, thanks.

(damn it, Andrew, you totally owe me, this is so long!!!)

So we decided we'd all meet and have drinks at my friends' band's show that weekend. She, James and I were hanging out drinking for much of the night--John was doing sound so he wasn't sitting with us. She mentioned having some weed in the car if I wanted to go smoke some of it with James. I was like "cool, you sure it's alright?" she was like "yeah, I'm going to go hang with John."

Cool. James and I go to the car and smoke a little at which point he asks "ok, can I kiss you now?" I was like "are you sure that's alright with PB?" and he replied "yeah, she's practically pushing me into it so she can do the same to John." I didn't really feel like it, to repeat, I'm not that into James, I have very little sex drive anyway, AND pot exacerbates that even more; BUT I felt the tiniest bit obligated and didn't want to hurt his feelings so I was like "what the hell" and kissed him for a few minutes. Nothing hot and heavy, no petting, nothing like that. Just a kind of quick kiss. I felt absolutely nothing.

We go back inside and he's going on "god I've got the coolest wife, I can't believe she lets me do this." etc etc. But was also saying stuff like "my wife is crazy, don't cross her man, I mean it" and "I could totally fall in love with you." Red flag number, um, 3000 or so?

The rest of the night is fine. We drink, we dance, we talk. It's all good.

The next day John gets and email from PB, flirting and asking when they can get together. They set up a hiking date for the following weekend and have a couple more flirty emails over the weekend. On Monday he gets another email that's pretty flirty but with one line that said something like "your wife totally betrayed my trust, keep her away from my husband." Something like that. I've still got the emails but they're buried right now and I honestly don't feel like reliving them.

I wrote her what I thought a clear, honest, almost friendly account of my take of the situation, adding that I was shocked that she felt betrayed and that I really thought I was within the bounds of her comfort. She fired back what was at the time the meanest, ugliest email I've ever received. The next morning I awoke to another one, while she'd sent John another flirty, friendly one, and the next day I received yet another! I never responded to any of them. Not that I didn't have plenty to say--boy was I hot--but she clearly didn't understand the first one I'd written and had completely twisted it. There was really no reason to go further with it--besides I loved thinking about how frustrating it must have been for her to not get a response.

The last one was the creepiest one though. It was kind of like she was trying to take the high road or something, advising me to get some therapy for my obviously low self-esteem and weight issues, but then went into how she'd completely beaten James up on the car ride home, scratched him and given him a black eye--and he'd THANKED HER FOR LOVING HIM ENOUGH TO DO IT!!! OH MY FUCKING GOD!!! "Thank you for beating me up, that proves to me that you love me." My god, you don't have to work in a domestic violence shelter to know how absolutely messed up that is!

James called me at my desk the next day to inform me that he'd fucked up and hurt "his best friend" and that he wouldn't be talking to me anymore. I have to admit, that stings my pride a little bit but by and large I think it's just best to not having anything to do with either of them.

Ok. Done now.

Sexual maturity, or some semblance of it anyway.

2006-05-19T16:01:00.000-07:00

I mean, I am in my early thirties--to be honest it's long past about damn time. Props to Suzie for helping me finally get my priorities straight. (Did I really just write "props to Suzie?"--that's just so wrong...)

So anyway, I've been flirting with this guy at work for a couple of weeks now. We'd gotten beers a couple of times a few years ago, before I was pregnant with Suzie, and I think we've always had a connection, but he's really kicked it up this week at work--tons of compliments, innuendos, myriad reasons to come to my office throughout the day--and I must admit it's been fun. I've been feeling that kind of fluttery, excited feeling in my tummy that I haven't experienced in quite a while and I'd forgotten how much I liked it. So he's a really great guy--guitar player, of course, I mean, what have I been with like three people in my life that weren't guitar players--pretty laid back and very nice looking, but to be honest I'm just not looking to have it go any further (farther?) than it has already.

I mean, I'm having fun with it, and I don't want that to stop, but it's so my nature to kick it to the next level, mostly just to see where it'll go. My mind was wandering the other day to things progressing and then in my mind I had that inevitable and weary "we really shouldn't do this for x,y,&z reasons" that I've had with so many people, always with the full understanding that we were going to do it anyway. Even in my mind I was bored with the conversation and I decided that if things did progress I would absolutely not have that conversation again as it's really a waste of time and seems quite honestly a bit cowardly besides. I mean, if I'm going to do it, than I need to take responsibility for what I want and just go for it, not try and shirk some of the responsibility, at least emotionally, by having a big talk first about why it's a bad idea. Does that make sense?

So all that led me to really question, if indeed I thought it was such a bad idea, why choose to go through with it in the first place. Especially since I know doing anything with a co-worker is a bad idea, and especially since I really don't even have a sex drive these days! I mean, why risk a good working relationship for a sexual relationship that I don't even really want?!? It's just habit, man.

Just a habit.

How wild a realization is that?

Back to working full time, back to having time to blog.

2006-05-17T09:32:00.000-07:00

God, how backwards does that seem? It's just like the old days back at this place though, 8 long hours stretched out before me and only about 3 hours of work to fill them. Well, on a slow day. On a real slow day I'll have about two hours of real work and on a busy day I'll have about 7. Take yesterday, for example, a pretty full day. I took a physical supplies inventory and did the subsequent ordering, a virtual materials inventory and did the subsequent ordering, ran a budget, filed a ton of paperwork, talked to about 10 vendors, and literally (really, literally) cleaned my office from top to bottom with sanitizing wipes, oh, and sat in on a 1/2 hour meeting with my boss and I was still done in 6.5 hours. I'm too fast for my own good.

Today my boss is out of the office at a training, as his his boss, so it'll probably prove to be exceedingly quiet around here. Which is why I decided to put my two hours of work on hold and write a blog entry.

Fascinating, isn't it? Truly fascinating.

Really though things have been pretty quiet around my place. This is a very good thing. Suzie's fantastic. She's been sleeping a full 10 hours a night, straight though, and when she's up she's at daycare for a few hours or playing in the yard or with her toys with her dad and me. It's working out really well, actually. She's getting a much more well rounded diet at daycare than she'll accept from me and is so tuckered from playing all day that she's ready for bed by 8. I'm 98% happy with our current situation. When I get my first paycheck that just may bump up to 99%.

God, here I am with tons of time to blog and not really a damn thing to say. Hmmm, well I guess I'll get back to work and see if anything else strikes later.

With friends like this (part 2).

2006-04-28T07:42:00.000-07:00

So I've been back at work for about a month now and you how it goes--it's good/ it's bad--I've got very mixed feelings about it but it's nothing that hasn't been written about and discussed in countless blogs across the world. The details are really so boring. The very short story is that I'm back at my old job, I've been working part time and I'll probably soon be working full time again. The good part is that while things are still in negotiations, it looks promising that I'll be making enough money that John will be able to cut his hours a bit so he has more time at home. Between that and my going into work at 7:30, Suzie should actually be in childcare the same or less than she is now but with our family's income doubled.

As far as the drama that I alluded to in the my previous entry, it IS a really funny story, but it's also a LONG story, spanning weeks, that culminated in a big, ugly thing last Friday night. Even the thought of writing out all the details is so incredibly tedious and I can't imagine that reading them would be much better. I just don't want to go into it all again, I'm really trying to let it all go. I guess I'll just say that John and I got involved (no, not "involved" we just went to a show) with a couple from work very much against my better judgment and things completely blew up. There were red flags all over the place and I even said to John "there's no way this will not end badly" but we forged ahead anyway.

This woman though, the female half of the couple, I just need to say--I've seen a lot of crazy in my day; I'm the queen of crazy best friends and I've worked in mental health for 8 years--and I've really gotta say that I've NEVER seen crazy like I've seen crazy in the past two weeks. Literally.

I think any of you that actually know me in real life can mostly vouch for my character. I mean, I've most definitely got issues just like anyone, but I don't think I'm out of bounds when I say that I'm generally well-liked, trustworthy, honest, and seen by friends and acquaintances as a good person. Well according to this woman, you've all been duped because you're too stupid to see the truth. I'm actually a manipulative psychopath who needs professional help--before I hurt anyone else. Oh yeah, and I'm also fat and a slut--but that's more sad than scary because she used to be young and stupid like I am and understands. She's just relieved I have a strong man in my life like John who can deal with my psychosis and she hopes he'll help me get the help I need to grow out of it.

Enough said? I certainly think so.

She keeps sending the emails though, day after day, so evidently she hasn't said quite enough yet. The really funny thing is that I haven't responded to any of them! The last one told me to not bother responding, I guess she figures that after not responding to the first three I'm going to start? I will not engage in name calling and insults, I have no time and no interest. Plus, and I'm honestly embarrassed to say this, I do get a perverse enjoyment out of knowing how much she wants to fight with me and how much I'm not going to let her have what she wants....I really do feel bad about that part of it.

You're so stupid! I've had lots of bondage!"

2006-04-26T10:29:00.000-07:00

This was this gist of an irate email I received yesterday; quite possibly one of the funniest and more bizarre emails I've ever received.

I know this is a funny opening to a post when I haven't written in so long but really there just hasn't been much going on. I got myself involved in a crazy woman's drama this weekend which culminated in this bizarre email.

It's funny, I've been called a lot of names in my life, but considering that I'm a member of Mensa, I can honestly say I've NEVER been called stupid before. I'm not trying to come across a snobby smarty-pants, I just can't imagine coming across as stupid. The second sentence is the really funny part though--we weren't even talking about sex. I don't want to get into the whole ridiculous drama again so I'll just say that this woman had already sent me a (very poorly written) multiple paragraph email berating just about everything she surmised about me and then followed up about 1/2 hour later with this two sentence beauty just to let me know that "I've done lots of bondage, for a long time!!!" Just to clarify, I have no interest in this woman's sexual proclivities but it seemed really important to her that I was aware of them...

I'm home from work today, Suzie's down with something and I thought it would be better that we stayed home together and snuggled. She's napping now so maybe later if she goes down again I'll be able to write a bit more.

Bad, bad news.

2006-04-02T18:27:00.000-07:00

Again, not much time to write or think or blog.

My husband's dad died yesterday, we're really not sure what's going on with everything yet.

Seems like there's a lot of happy news happening these days but our family has had a pretty sucky month.

Updates--maybe--as I've got the time and energy.

Hmmm, no title ideas today.

2006-03-27T10:08:00.000-08:00

I've not been much into blogging lately. I've been up and way down and when I'm down I have no energy to blog and when I'm up I have too much to catch up on. I did use some of my up-ish time to start a myspace account. I'm such a dork.

Really brief recap...Suzie started daycare, she's been sick ever since and so have we. Bah. My car died a week ago Sunday--double bah--I really loved that car, so we're in the market for a new one which is kind of fun but a lot of energy and work. Oh, yeah, and my previous employer called and asked me back. I told them I was only willing to work part time and wanted to be able to leave the office when my work was finished (my big issue before was punching the time clock and having to stay to 5 even with an empty desk) and they're willing to work with me on that. I still don't love the job but I need one, especially with the car issue and having the freedom to leave by 2:30 or so if needed (and not come in till 9:30 or so in the morning) makes up for the lack for passion, at least for the time being.

Part of me keeps trying to tell myself that I'm a bad mother, but mostly I know I'm doing the right thing.

2006-03-08T09:47:00.000-08:00

I'm starting Suzie part time in day-care tomorrow....And I am soooo looking forward to it. I really wanted to be a perfect stay-at-home mama. I really did. I tried and tried but I'm bored to tears and I feel like I'm driving Suzie to tears as well. I feel like she's bored at home with just me all day and there are not enough playgroups during the week to keep her/us happy. It's gotten to the point where if I'm not on the ground playing with her--which I love to do and generally spend about 4 hours a day doing--she's hanging on my legs and crying. Anyway, I'm not trying to justify my choices and I really don't want to feel defensive about this but I can't help it. My idea of good parenting was that one parent would stay home with the children 24/7. Whether or not I've failed Suzie I've definitely failed in that goal. The message boards I read and so many of my favorite blogs are all about mammas who have these fabulous lives staying home with their babies. Why don't I have it in me to give that much? I hate to feel like I'm just that selfish.

Again, it still sounds like I'm trying to justify or make excuses. I'm really not. I think that for me and Suzie, right now, this is going to give me the break I need every week to have more patience for her limitless energy. We were at a playgroup yesterday and while the other kids happily played pirates on the playground' I was running, constantly, following Suzie while she explored the entire two acre field. And I'm fine with that--I truly am--I love that she's so adventuresome and wild, but I don't have the energy to sustain it all week. The other moms at the group were like "wow, she REALLY is independent, isn't she?" Yep, she's non-stop.

So she'll be in care for 4 or 5 hours a day, 3 days a week. The other two days she'll be at home with me, going to playgroups and rolling around on our living room floor. I gotta tell ya, the idea of grocery shopping alone is really exciting to me right now.

Additionally, I just figured out our budget and it looks like we're consistently spending about $400 more a month than we bring in. I've looked at what we've cut out and what we could further reduce and I would be hard pressed to get that number down to $0. Even if I cut our groceries in half and cut out the occasional meals out/new pair of half price shoes we'd still be in the red and definitely not saving anything. The fact is that we just have too much debt and got into a mortgage that's right on the edge of what we can afford. I can't believe I have to get a job to get out of the red--I really thought I could live frugally enough to make it on one income.

Suzie's waking up and we've got to go to the childcare center and get acquainted.

I'm sick. Bah.

2006-03-03T11:41:00.000-08:00

Grumble.

John had to stay home from work today because I feel too weak and tired to run after Suzie. As it happens, she may have a touch of it too as she seems unusually quiet. Oh well. It's still a big relief to not stress about it.

It's been a tough week. Suzie's been really bored around the house and the weather hasn't been very conducive to spending much time outside. I'm not sure what to do with her next week. I think we have a couple of play groups lined up which will be good but I've got to figure something out for the long run. We're both bored of hanging out in the house and when we go outside all she wants to do is run all the way up the driveway to the road. I swear, these babies have such radar for what they're not supposed to do. Babies are totally wild. Literally.

I'm really just checking in. I don't have the energy to type anymore today.

Sick=grumpy.

Another quickie post.

2006-02-27T13:49:00.000-08:00

Suzie's been down for an hour and I've used the time to eat lunch, take a shower, talk to my sister, and make a big pan of veggie and soy-sausage lasagna. She could wake up at any moment but I've gotten so much done and the house is so clean that I'm really looking forward to it. Sometimes I miss her so much when she's napping.

So, my husband is going to absolutely hate this idea, and personally I'm struggling with it quite a little bit as well, but I've been thinking of going vegan for a while. I don't feel like I want to be all hardcore about it and announce it to the world and look down on people that aren't, but I think I just want to kind of quietly babystep myself into it and feel it out for a bit. I'm not going to stop wearing the leather shoes and coats that I already own, and I'm not going to not eat the meat and dairy products that are already in my house as that seems kind of counter productive. Like "hi cow, I know you died/suffered for me to eat/wear you but now I don't want to so I guess your death/inhumane treatment was totally in vain." You know? But I'm not planning on buying much more of it.

My man is a serious meat eater though. I mean, he's not a "meat and potatoes" kind of guy, but he's definitely a beef stir fry, lamb gyro type. He loves a lot of vegetarian stuff--actually I think he prefers vegan food to vegetarian food as he's not really all that into dairy so I know he'll back me up on most of my choices, probably as long as I cook a steak for him once a week or so. I eat a ton of dairy products and though and do it mostly in denial about what kind of treatment dairy cows are subjected to. It truly is as bad/worse than the beef cattle I think, I mean, at least the beef cows get to die, they don't have to live day after day hooked up to machines, not nursing their many babies and hardly ever stepping outside, right? Who was it that said "there are many fates much worse than death." ? Gandalf? Dumbledore? I think it was Dumbledore.

So yeah, that's my plan. Phase out the dairy that's already in my house, look into buying more organic products--including clothing and baby gear--and just try to curtain the shopping addiction, buying less, using things longer--generally just trying to, what's the expression--lessen the footprint. I think that's it. Lessen my negative impact on the earth, at least in some small way.

Just a quick one today.

2006-02-24T11:59:00.000-08:00

I spent most of Suzie's nap time working out so I only have a few minutes before she wakes up from her nap and I want to get some housework done.

So as I've mentioned, Suzie's been a bit of a bear lately, really needy and demanding while at the same time almost fiercely independent. I know this is a perfectly normal stage of development, but it's still a little grating at times.

Because of this push and pull, she's been needing a lot of time in mama's arms and has been more actively dis-interested in hanging out with other people. We were at crazy friends house yesterday and she informed me, condescendingly, (Ok, wait for it, this is good...)

"Well, that's what happens when you hold your babies too much."

Coming from anybody else I would have been totally shocked, but still OH MY GOD!!! It was kind of like she was thumbing her nose at me and saying "see, if you'd just let her cry it out now and again like I told you to you wouldn't have had that problem."

It really put things in perspective for me though, kind of one of those teachings in disguise as I realized "yeah, that is what happens when you hold your babies too much--they learn that you are a person of safety and security and comfort and know to come to you to get their conflicting emotional needs met."

Ok, just a quick rant--I'm off to do the laundry.

Life decisions.

2006-02-22T10:52:00.000-08:00

Nearly every day I make the conscious decision to live a fuller, more authentic life. By this I mean that I intend to start living for the moment, to not get bogged down in the mundane, and to live freely and independent from fear--especially the fear around how I am seen/not seen in interpersonal relationships. Nearly every day I try to free myself from cowering and stammering and not telling the world how I feel.

And nearly every day I fail.

Harsh toke dude, seriously. I'm so fearful of upsetting the people in my life, primarily my crazy friend and my crazy father, that I bite my tongue and don't say what I need to say, or worse yet, when I do speak, my voice actually comes out differently, passionless and almost babylike. It disgusts me but despite my near daily intention to change it I constantly, repeatedly, over and over and over find myself living in exactly the same way.

I really really hate it. And I've failed so many times that I feel completely helpless to change it. I don't even know how to change it. It's kind of like women who diet and diet and diet and it never works, eventually they just figure they're "supposed" to be that way and give up. I started to have a moment of clarity about the whole thing this morning and within 5 minutes of feeling empowered felt myself mentally shut down--mostly because I don't know how to go about making the change to begin with.

In the past I've always decided that when faced with situations or conversations that I was uncomfortable with I just needed to sit back for a moment, collect my thoughts, and then say what was honestly and truthfully on my mind. My history has shown me though that I need more than that. I need some kind of assistance or motivation or something. I need to somehow not be scared of pissing anybody off. I don't know why I'm so scared of that.

I can't go into it anymore right now as the baby just woke up.

Hmmm.

2006-02-21T14:24:00.000-08:00

I'm long past needing positive validation from my dad, but my god, would it kill him to pay me a compliment now and again? I mean, really, I truly don't "care" about the lack validation, I don't take it personally and I understand that he's just too weak a person to go there, it's mostly just so embarrassing for me to watch him continue to live out his life in this passive, empty state that really drives me nuts.

My mom was telling me a story the other day about how she used to help out in my kindergarten class so much that the teacher had to ask her to limit her visits to twice a week. I didn't remember her being there but I still have that year's class picture and my dad is in it as he was helping out that day. She said that a lot of people in the community still have that picture and still comment on how much he helped out (as well as on his GINORMOUS afro and sideburns--yes, we are a Caucasian family but this was 1976) despite the fact that he only assisted in the classroom maybe once a month. She says even at the time she knew it was more important to his ego to be in the photograph than it was to hers.

That sucks. My dad has sucked for my entire life but I just didn't know until I hit 30.

We're redoing our guest bath downstairs, as I've mentioned. It's taking quite a bit of time, energy, and money and we're doing it by ourselves as sort of our first real home-improvement project together. My dad and mom are also installing new bamboo floors in their house. I was up there yesterday and had brought the new, beautiful, slate tiles that we'll be using so that I could seal them in the basement while my mom watched Suzie. I can't tell you how many times I commented on how amazing his new floors looked--and they really are beautiful--but not one single time did he even comment on what I was doing. Even as we were working side-by-side in the basement on our projects. He did bring me a workbench and paintbrush though, I should give him that as that's probably the best he can do these days. I was walking downstairs and thought he finally said something nice as I overheard him say to my mom "it's really going to look great when it's finished." She replied "yeah, the stones are so beautiful" to which he replied "no, the bamboo..." like she was retarded.

Nice.

He's so amazing with Suzie. It's funny, well, you know, sad-funny, I think he probably is her second favorite person in the world. Maybe it goes back and forth between him and her dad depending on her mood but she definitely likes her granddad more than just about anybody. She has such a good time with him, squeals and screams and laughs and runs all over the house to find him. I know he loves me but I think he's genuinely unhappy with his marriage and his life and takes it out on everyone around him. It's all his own fault though, we all reap what we sow and he's sowed very few positive seeds in his life.

Save the one that resulted in yours truly of course. ;)

2006-02-18T11:53:00.000-08:00

Last night, when I was lying in bed at 9:30, anticipating a 6 a.m. wakeup call, I had like, 5 blog entries floating around my head. I didn't want to get up and write any of them out though as I'd been tired all day and had far more interest in a full night's sleep. Suz let the family sleep in till nearly 7:30 however and by then the blog ideas had all been dreamt away.

:(

Not really so sad though as full night's sleep makes everything better. As does waking up to a beautiful sunny morning. We have the entire weekend ahead of us with absolutely no plans. Well, no commitments to anybody else anyway, we do have tons to get done around the house, but considering how busy our schedule has been lately that feels pretty close to a vacation to me. So John's downstairs replacing the water heater (I really loath spending $400 on a purchase that involves NO FUN AT ALL!), I've been doing housework, Suzie's napping, and when she wakes up we'll all head to the hardware store to look more at stone tiles for our bathroom, kitchen, and laundry room. There's nothing like a good home-improvement weekend.

On the psycho friend front, my god, Suzie and I were driving around looking for something to do with our long afternoon yesterday and so called Courtney to see if we might stop over and spend some time with her and her son. She told me that I was welcome to stop by if I needed to feed Suzie or something, but that she wouldn't be getting out of bed. She was too cold. As you might be aware, we here in the northwest are experiencing a "cold snap." That's what all the weather people have been telling us, anyway, and this means that the temps have been dropping down into the--gasp--TWENTIES at night! But that's at night, I called in the middle of the afternoon, the temps were well into the upper 30s (at least) and, most importantly, she has this cool new gadget called CENTRAL FUCKING HEATING which she had already informed me was cranked to 80!!!

Oh my god! Anyway, her incredible lameness caused me to get over my nervousness about going back to the kid's museum and seeing psycho friend version 2.1 and so we headed in and had a lovely time talking to the many, many visitors who were also looking to stay out of the cold as well as to the previous psycho friend who was, once again, completely congenial.

Ok, off to do my housey stuff.

Housewives' Lament

2006-02-16T12:19:00.000-08:00

Everyday I clean this fucking house. Every afternoon it looks like a bomb exploded.

And there's only three of us.

What the fuck?

I can only get rid of so much of my own stuff. If everyone else is a hoarder it's never going to make a difference.

I'm throwing up my hands.

That sounds like I mean I'm puking my hands. Really I mean I'm just giving up. I'm not going to live like an ascetic while my house is still so full of crap that I can't even walk around. Let the over-consumption begin.

Still just not really in the mood to be writing.

2006-02-15T11:57:00.000-08:00

I feel down and blah and mildly despondent. I've been eating like a pig this week and I haven't worked out but maybe twice. I think I'm supposed to start bleeding soon so maybe that's part of it but it sure isn't a ton of fun.

John and I got stoned last night for the first time in probably close to two years, it was really fun to just chill and watch Zoolander and go with the munchie flow but it probably didn't help my overall low-level depression of the past week too much. I don't know what's going on with it, it's just that same stagnant, semi-empty feeling I've been having for the past year or so off and on. I know I just need to get off my ass and fix it but it's so difficult to find any motivation. I'm hoping that just the small step of sitting down to type this stuff out for a while will make a difference.

And I really need to get my ass back into working out. Last week I transitioned to a heavier set of weights but if I don't keep with it I'm going to have to shift back down. I was so proud of myself for moving up, I've been stuck using puny little 5 pounders since nearly the beginning of my pregnancy. God, four years ago I was using 10s for just about everything, it sucks to watch yourself atrophy.

We spent Sunday in Seattle with some friends and their daughter who's just a month older than Suzie. We took a long, long, long uphill walk from Queen Anne to the zoo and that felt really really good. Suzie had a blast at the zoo, she seemed to connect most with a huge freaking couple of pythons. Either that or she was just too scared to move. ;) I don't think so though, she really seemed to be having a good time.

On our walk home we stopped in at a few open houses in Fremont, a couple of condos and a 1930s home. This was more for our friends than for us, but I was curious to see what 1/2 a million could get you in the city. The sticker shock totally reminded me of why I'm perfectly content to stay in the boonies for a while longer. $250k would score you a sterile, boring, teeny, two-bedroom apartment with no view. $650 would get you a smallish size house with no yard, no view, a tiny kitchen, and bedrooms precariously placed in a converted attic at the top of a narrow staircase. Now granted, these were in a fun, safe neighborhood, I'm sure you could get more for your money in another part of town, but if I were to leave the security of my small town for the city it would be with the intent of moving into an exciting, vibrant community, not the ghetto or anyplace close to it.

So that was good for me. Just that morning I'd been talking to John about how we need to make peace with the fact that we have very little money as short of our winning the lottery I don't see anything happening that's going to change our situation. To be constantly thinking ahead of how it's going to be when we're rich and successful is wasting our current life, in a beautiful house with a perfect small family.

Speaking of small families, John is getting pretty focused on making ours one person bigger. It's funny, it's like as soon as we got out of the new baby woods and things are seeming a bit easier to manage, we're like, "ok, ready for another one?" The biological drive to have more children is so fucking strong! Every logical bit of my body knows that having another baby is a really bad idea right now, but he starts talking about how joyful it would be to have another baby and I find myself going along with him and thinking about getting off the pill! At this point if I went off I'd probably be pregnant by July and would have another baby by mid-spring 2007. That would make Suzie 3.5 which actually wouldn't be too bad, she'd be out of diapers and hopefully completely finished with nursing. Actually, maybe he's right, maybe it is time to start working on this.

OH MY GOD!!!! Was I smoking crack last night? What the fuck am I talking about?!?

Plus, I've been working so hard to get into shape. I'm down 15 pounds from the summer, I've only got 9 to go till I'm at my pre-pregnancy weight and I really wanted to be in great shape by the time I get pregnant again. Well, that actually fits well with my getting knocked up by the summer, which is when I should reach my goal. My mom won't be retiring until June of 2007 though so I really should wait until fall to put this plan into action if I choose to go through with it. Which in all likelihood, I probably will.

Grump. Grump. Grumpy.

2006-02-13T15:07:00.000-08:00

I'd rather be cleaning my house than blogging right now but it's kind of at that "pretty clean" stage and so I have to motivation as to what projects I should take on. Especially since most of the projects right now need John's assistance and/or a trip to the hardware store. We're going to redo our bathroom with stone tiles that will eventually make their way out into the kitchen but I can't really just jump on that without his input. I'd originally wanted to do the tub walls in amethyst glass tiles but found that they cost more than $1/inch vs. $1/foot for stone. Oh well, we'll see what comes of it.

Nice, Suzie's nap lasted all of 4 minutes.

2006-02-10T10:55:00.000-08:00

Suzie didn't nap yesterday so I didn't get a change to blog. She did sleep in pretty late but I was busy doing all the morning stuff around here and it just didn't happen. I did have an amazing workout though; I haven't been that in the zone probably since I was five months pregnant and that felt incredible. No workout today though, and it's lucky I was lazy as when I tried to go grab a shower I found we were out of water. Again. I do like living out in the sticks, but I really fucking hate not having water at least once a week. It wasn't so bad before, we'd lose it maybe once a month or so--including the night I went into labor which wasn't the coolest thing in the world, luckily I hadn't been planning an at-home water birth--but some morons up the road dug into their front yard without checking and now the process of repairing the pipe has cost our entire neighborhood water once a week or so. Usually we get a day's notice but evidently not today.

Anyway, so how's that for the world's weakest opening paragraph? I do my best.

I really wanted a shower today too. At least I took one yesterday. :(

Today Suzie and I are headed out to Shelton for a playgroup on a farm. Suzie's never seen so many animals live and in person so it should be really fun. I think they're also going to have one of those blow-up, bouncy houses. I hope she enjoys it, she may still be too young.

I've been thinking of going veg again. I did for so long, primarily for ethical reasons, well, soley for ethical reasons really, considering what terrible shape I was in, and then I just let myself get lazy and apathetic and grew away from it. I've been thinking a lot about it again though and think maybe it's time. I went to dinner with some friends (Courtney being one of them--Thanks Andrew, that name is MUCH more fitting) and we were discussing humanely raised animals and the conversation got so weird.

Courtney was saying that she actually thinks it's worse for an animal to be raised humanely and then killed then to just be tortured from birth. What the fuck is she thinking?!? Better for who? Her obviously, as her next statement was something along the lines of "I just can't think of where they came from and feel too guilty if I think of them frolicking out in a pasture and having a happy life and then being killed." But she doesn't feel guilty to think of all the horrible things that happen in a slaughterhouse? Or rather she just doesn't I guess. That's the problem, again, with so many people in our society being cut off from their emotions and empathy. Maybe if more people DID stop and think about those things then we wouldn't have this disgusting, mass-market, animal-production factory garbage that we do.

People are just so attached to their, what's the word, to their denial. Like to the point of saying "the truth is too painful for me, I'd rather just stay in denial and go on living in a way that's more comfortable for me than have to face the truth." I'm not even against eating animals, I'm really quite in favor of people killing their own food, humanely, and with a healthy dose of respect for how that food got to their tables. And since I'm not at the point of being able to do that, then I think it's for the best that I just stop eating meat again.

I think I would like to get a few chickens though, for the eggs, and possibly a goat. I'm outside the city limits but I'm not sure of the ordinances. I'll have to look into that. It's not like I'm too busy these days to take care of a few animals. We do have a big raccoon problem around here though, would they eat all the chickens?

I'd give my soul for a backbone right about now.

2006-02-08T10:40:00.000-08:00

I didn't post yesterday because all I really had on my mind was more frustrations with my dad and I knew if I did sit down to write I wouldn't be able to get anything authentic out aside from that stuff and I just didn't want to go there. Luckily for us all my crazy friend decided to grace her children with her presence after two coked out weeks in Southern California so I have an entirely new set of frustrations to vent about. Bear with me as I've got a lot to say and not a lot of time to do it in so instead of rushing through it I'm just going to get to what I can. I'm really trying to have a calm morning while Suzie naps and don't want to get myself all riled up.

So my friend, I don't know, I guess I'll call her Julie, goes to California every few months or so for the weekend and generally has a pretty fucked up time. I know I've mentioned these trips before, the most notorious being her last trip to a strip club in Tijuana. A few weeks ago she told me that she'd was going this time for at least a week, probably more, and would call me when she got back. My first thought was "how fucking selfish to leave your husband to take care of the three kids and hold down his business while you medicate yourself into nothingness." Then I realized that despite the selfishness of it all, her husband would probably have an overall easier time as he wouldn't be taking care of her MANY MANY MANY needs as well as the kids', nor would he be spending his other "free" time being verbally abused by her.

So she's been gone a couple of weeks, maybe 10 days, and I have to admit, it's been really nice to have her gone. She's just so toxic and difficult to be around, and like the URL of this blog states, I'm much too weak a person to actually break free from her. I guess she got back Sunday night but I didn't know until I stopped by yesterday afternoon. Her husband was going to watch Suzie while we went to my friend's daughter's funeral which was only a couple of blocks away. Julie was sleeping when I got there so I didn't see her until I went to pick up Suzie after the service.

I gotta tell you, Julie was in top fucking form. She was lashing out against my friend who'd lost her daughter, almost to the point of criticizing her for having a funeral for a child because no person should be forced to attend one of those awful things. She went on and on about how three girls from her high school lost babies to SIDS and she swore she'd never attend a baby's funeral. And she hasn't since. I told her that attending the funeral had more to do with my other friend's need to have me there and to pay my freaking respects to her family for her horrible, horrible loss then it was to have a tear free afternoon. She magnanimously replied "whatever, I'm not fucking going."

Well, for one, it's already over, you lunatic. For two, you weren't invited anyway. And for three, yeah, got that. I forgot it's really all about you.

Ugh, it was just so ugly and frustrating. Suzie wasn't ready to leave yet but I grabbed her and left, I just couldn't take another second with this horrible person. Why oh why oh why can't she just take her family and leave my town? Not seeing her for two weeks was so refreshing and now, since she's been back, or at least since I've known she's been back, I've felt icky and stressed and ugly inside.

I work so hard, every single fucking day on improving myself. I try to work out at least once a day, I read spiritual books, I'm trying to make my home as zen-like as possible, but I still keep saddling myself with these relationships that attempt to sabotage all my hard work. It's so frustrating and I have no one to blame but myself. I'm just so weak when it comes to standing up for myself. As I've said before, what do I have to lose by just responding to her honestly when she says such horrible stuff. So I piss her off, so what? Either she learns and grows or she kicks me to the curb, either way is a win, right? Why am I such a loser weakling?

Sunny, sunny day--life is beautiful!

2006-02-06T13:29:00.000-08:00

Doesn't take much to get me feeling the love for life, does it? It's gorgeous today and it's supposed to last for at least a week?!? That's awesome! Suzie and I met a friend and her toddler in town, went for a long walk, and played at a quiet little park with some little girls and their 8 week old chocolate lab for a few hours this morning. I wouldn't normally have scheduled anything for so early (10...) in the morning, but I did and even THAT worked out well. How's this for nice, Suzie slept until nearly 8:30 this morning, we met in town at 10, got home around 12 and now she's down for a nap, giving me a chance to write for a few minutes.

She's actually been a real bear for the past few days and I need a day like this now and again to remind me of how much fun having a toddler can be. I feel a little guilty for saying that though, well actually a lot guilty, considering what my other friend is going through this week. She ended up not having to end her daughter's life support, her daughter passed even with it. She ended up having a stroke, completely unrelated to her heart condition, just a freak thing, but her weak heart couldn't keep up with the medications and just the added stress on her little body was too much for her.

It's so horrible I keep kind of not letting my self go there. I get too overcome with grief and find myself feeling kind of self-destructive and "what's it all worth" about it all. That's why I had to get out of social service, I just internalize everything way too much. My friend told me the whole story of the baby's last night, last hour, what happened after she died, all of it, but I just don't want to type it out and think of it so clinically right now. I'm just amazed at her strength and don't know if I could handle it as well as she is.

Wow, I didn't really mean to go there with this entry. I guess that's the thing about stream of consciousness writing though. You generally go straight to what's on your mind and obviously that's pretty high on my list these days. The funeral's tomorrow. There's a viewing before but I don't think I can deal with that. My friend was talking about how difficult it was to find a small enough casket and that about knocked me over, I just can't see her laying there, still so small.

She was such a sweet, funny little girl. So good natured, she had no idea yet about her disabilities. Maybe it's better? I don't know, people always say that but I don't know if it's just a way to deal with the pain of it all.

You know, I really don't want to keep writing about this but I feel like it would be disrespectful to go back to talking about what a lovely day it is when my friend's family is suffering so. John and I just had a talk about this the other night, about how I internalize everything and feel sad about things because I feel guilty or disrespectful to be laughing or having a frivolous time when so many people are suffering. He said it wasn't doing those that are suffering any good to have me suffer along with them of my own volition. I know he's right, but I really believe the world would be a much better place if more people were truly more aware, on a physical level, of the suffering of others. People would be a lot less likely to hurt other people in any way if they they could feel in their own minds and bodies the suffering that they were causing.

But I guess the fact is that most people don't and my choosing to feel that much isn't going to make them any more aware, so all I'm really doing is causing myself pain because I'm not really doing anything else tangible to stop their suffering in any real way. I don't have any money to donate, I don't volunteer my time anywhere meaningful. I take care of my family and try to instill those values in them and in the people I have contact with but really, maybe I should just lighten up a little bit. I'd probably have a better time of it if I did...

I wonder how long I have until Suzie wakes up. I should go do a project.

5 days. 5 workouts. 5 blog entries.

2006-02-03T13:10:00.000-08:00

Wahoo! I made a resolution and I've stuck to it for an entire week! Okay, okay, and entire workweek, but still, there have already been a couple of days when I wanted to bag it and I didn't and that gives me at least the smallest modicum of satisfaction.

You know what also gives me a modicum of satisfaction? Using the word modicum. Do you know how long it's been since my vocabulary has stretched beyond the absolute basic? Ok again, so maybe modicum isn't Proust but it's something and I'm proud of that. For now.

My family is sick. My baby is sick. My husband is sick. And now I am sick. Baby's been sick since Wednesday. Husband has been off work since yesterday. I woke up sick this morning, well actually at 4 in the morning, during one of Suzie's every other hour nighttime feedings. It seems she's too stuffed up to breastfeed enough to have a full enough tummy to get her through more than a couple of hours. Or maybe she's dehydrated and not sleeping well, that's what I've been feeling like.

She just took a really long nap though which afforded me the time to clean the house, do a teeny bit of yoga, and make a fajita for lunch. I've been craving tortillas like crazy lately. Yesterday I ate 5 of them. One in a wrap, one in a fajita, and three just steamed and eaten plain. I don't know what that's about. They're not even whole wheat tortillas, just basic white flour and lard, plain old tortillas. I'm full from lunch but I could still stand to go steam me another one. I won't though as I'm leaving John home alone tonight and he'll need one for dinner.

Weird. If I hadn't just had a period I'd be thinking I was pregnant again with all these crazy cravings and mood swings I've been having.

Not sure what else to write about. Just not a ton going on. Oh, did I mention John's work semi-offering me a part-time job helping out with their AP/AR? It would have been really cool, but then the woman who offered it called me back to tell me the boss had vetoed my working in AP with my husband doing the receiving. It just kind of sucks as we'd talked about it before but it just never seemed valid, then yesterday she was really pushing it and I got my hopes up but then within a few hours John called to tell me it wasn't going to work. Oh well. My mom was right, she said "you didn't have it yesterday and you were fine without it, now it's gone and you're still going to be alright."

So yeah, it's not really that big a deal, the most exciting part was how flexible the hours were going to be and that the woman running the department loves Suzie to death and would have been really supportive of working around her needs. I'll put some energy into trying to find something similar. It's just a little frustrating.

I've stopped using cloth diapers completely. I feel a little guilty about it, but I guess my laziness and unwillingness to fight getting Suzie into them 9 times a day outweighs the guilt. She's such a wiggler and I'm just not into the struggle. Plus they're so bulky they seemed to be interfering with her walking properly. I'll just comfort myself with the knowledge that I did the "right thing" for a year and at least gave it a good try. It's just frustrating to feel like a failure.

I like have John home during the day. He's not so sick that he's incapacitated so he's able to help out and just take it easy. I wish we could win a bunch of money just so he wouldn't have to leave every day and go to some suck job. Other people dream of winning the lottery and buying all this stuff and traveling all around, and I'm not saying I wouldn't be interested in that, but I'd really mostly just be interested in not having our family broken up everyday with his having to go to work.

Bah, I just don't have much to say today. I'm writing for 20 minutes though and I've got 6 more to go so I'd better figure something out. I'll just keep typing and then when I edit and spell check this I'll go in and erase all this drivel. That way I'm fulfilling my promise to keep writing but not boring all of my dear readers (all 5 of you!) to tears. Many more entries like this and those 5 readers will quickly drop down to only one, my husband, probably. Though actually I think AA would continue reading even if things were boring for awhile. ;)

So, Suzie's hanging out with John while I kill time typing this out. What I'd really like to be doing is reading the Harry Potter thread on Mothering.com. I love reading people's theories on whether Snape is good or bad. People have some good ideas, and I love love love hearing from people who are smart enough to go back and put the clues together, but it still comes down to he's either good or he's bad and we really won't know until the next book comes out 2 freaking years from now. That's a ridiculously long time to wait. I think I'll go back and read books 5 and 6 in the meantime. I really should read the whole series again but I don't own them yet. Maybe this would be a good time to look into that.

Ok, times up.

How would you spend your baby's last night?

2006-02-01T19:36:00.000-08:00

A friend just called to tell me that her baby is in the hospital and that she'll be taking her off life support tomorrow. She's had a heart condition since birth and nobody expected a long life but last time I saw/heard about her she was doing fine.

I'm just so sad for their family. I cannot imagine what they're going through right now.

She's not dead yet, you know? She will be in the morning but right now she's still alive. That almost seems worse to me. I don't know how they can deal with having to make this decision.

How are they going to get through this night? What are they supposed to do? Sleep? Sit with her? Drink? I don't know what the fuck I'd do. John's at his radio show and I'm home alone with a sick baby and I just can't stop crying.

Serendipitous? Inspirational nonetheless.

2006-02-01T12:24:00.000-08:00

So yesterday, just before I got on the phone with John and fell into a depression I did a tarot reading for myself that seemed to be suggesting that I find some kind of peace through feeding/nourishing others. I liked the reading a lot and that's what really got me thinking of going back to school. I've been considering culinary school for quite some time but lately I've been thinking more of going to esthetician school, which would be kind of a radical departure for me but kind of not at the same time.

So anyway, I was still depressed this morning, as I already mentioned but got up and cleaned the kitchen (well as best as I could with no water or electricity), worked out, and did another reading.

--I'd just like to add how fucking proud I am of myself for getting a workout on despite feeling as lackluster and sluglike as I did...

This reading said two important things. The first was that I need to step way outside of my comfort zone and embrace change. The second, and really super pivotal idea was that I need to open myself up to loving myself and others in the best way I know how. I think anyone who knows the real me knows that I do that best through cooking. I love having big dinner parties with tons of courses where everyone eats way too much and feels exceptionally happy and comforted and cared for and loved.

So I think things are really pointing in this direction. I'm still going to fill out the applications in the meantime but I want to put my real energy into deciding how legit I want to make this business. Do I want to do it kind of undercover? Do I want to get a business license? I need to really look into the ins and outs of the whole thing. And I suppose I should get a food handlers permit. I need to come up with a name, figure out menus and prices, then look into making flyers and possibly building a website.

I feel very energized about this. I hope something positive comes of it.

I need to go clean the kitchen floor. Again.

Still pretty down.

2006-02-01T10:03:00.000-08:00

I'm acting grumpy with Suzie and it's not her fault. I'm just tired and bored. I got enough sleep, but I'm tired of vacuuming the carpet and mopping the kitchen floor every single fucking day. Maybe I should just look at it as a meditation in, um, what's the word? Patience, yeah, that's it, a meditation in patience and let it go. Of course I should. I just have a bad attitude today. I cleaned the kitchen and that helped a little. I don't know why I'm so grumpy. After Suzie goes down for her nap (which I pray is soon as she's been up for nearly four hours now) I'll work out and hopefully that will help improve my mood.

I got some great job ideas from Sarah yesterday and that was really helpful. She suggested I come up with some basic menus, figure out pricing and then make some flyers and post on some parenting boards and see if I can start making delivered meals for people. I think it could possibly work, I'd just need to go through my recipes and tweak and perfect some of my favorites first. I wouldn't want to deliver weird food to people. And I doubt they'd come back for more if I did. Maybe I should do something like give two entrees for the price of one for the first order--that might get people's interest.

Anyway, that improved my mood a bit. She also suggested really trying to get work at non-profit agencies doing admin stuff. I definitely like that idea as well, though I'm not finding too many of them to be hiring at this point. I'll keep looking, but the best idea would be the cooking from home, that way I wouldn't have to put Suzie in day care all week but I could possibly make enough cash to get her to a sitter once a week or so, just so I can hold onto my sanity. Or perhaps join a gym with childcare so I could have an hour or so to myself everyday. That sounds like heaven. For real.

So what else? I don't know. I'm feeling a bit more energized just having written this. We lost power last night. It went out around 6 and came back at midnight. The scary thing was that there was an actual line down across our driveway. John was at work and I wouldn't have even known about it if our neighbor hadn't also been trapped at home and came by to tell me. As it was John came home and parked at the neighbor's house down the hill and walked up through the vacant property next door. With a pizza--good husband!

Today I've got to go and pick up an application for a case manager position with the Area Agency on Aging. It's due on Friday but I think I can bang it out tomorrow. I can try today but John has his radio show tonight so I won't get any baby-respite. Probably the most I'll be able to accomplish tonight is drinking a glass of wine and watching Veronica Mars and, um, what's that show I watch on Bravo...with Heidi Klum, god damn I can't think of it. You know, it's like America's Next Top Model except they're all gay fashion designers...PROJECT RUNWAY! Thanks husband for the brain jog--I could totally not remember that. Anyway, that's my plan for the evening.

It's funny that that job just came open as I was just talking with a friend last week who mentioned that I should look into direct service with aging populations as it's pretty stress-free as far as direct service work goes and mostly just has to do with service coordination. I think I can deal with that so I'm going to put some energy into making that happen if possible. It's just been so long since I've had to interview for anything--I'm pretty nervous about that.

I just hit a wall.

2006-01-31T13:14:00.000-08:00

Two days in and the depression and futility of the situation already reared its head. I don't want to be stuck in another fucking job like the ones I've had for the past 5 years. It's funny, I really ENJOY doing clerical work, but by definition these jobs always come saddled with crappy co-workers and supervisors with personality disorders. I'd be happy doing data entry for 8 hours a day. Believe it or not I really would. Maybe not for the rest of my life but for a good year or two. But you can't do work like that without bizarre personalities and politics and a world of other crap getting in the way. That's why I was looking forward to the transcription thing working out. Me, typing away on a keyboard for a day's work, all by myself with no right-wing, Christian, narcissistic supervisors fucking it up. But I feel like that's what I have to look forward to now.

I just did a reading, trying to find some clarity about where to re-start the job search so that the end result is different than it's been in the past. I felt pretty energized about the possibility of going back to school and learning some new skills to lead me in a new direction. I got on the phone to talk to John about it though and he made it clear that we don't have the money and what I need to do is get the same kind of crappy jobs I always get. Great.

I just want to cry right now. I'm so frustrated with that life. I was feeling so motivated to make some positive changes for our family but now it's all gone.

I can't think of what to write so I just keep taking bites of pasta salad.

2006-01-31T11:58:00.000-08:00

Yep, and I just took another one. It's really good, whole-wheat/protein penne, carrots, peppers, zucchini, spinach, cherry tomatoes, and sun-dried tomatoes all tossed together with a good, basily pesto sauce. I love pesto sauce. I could put it on just about anything. I didn't eat it at all for a long time because I thought it was too oily and bad for you--that's when I'd forgotten everything about moderation. Now I happily eat a little of it a few times a week. I'm really hungry and I don't think this pasta salad's gonna cut it. Oh well, I'll go find something new when I finish this. I'm writing for 20 minutes today, even if nothing comes of it but garbage like this.

I want to visit New York City. I haven't been there since 1994 and I think it's changed a lot since then. All the Giuliani clean up happened in the mid-90s I think. I was so scared when I visited last time. I was constantly on edge and afraid that I was going to be shot in the subway or mugged on the street. I don't know if I'd feel that differently now, come to think of it, especially now that there's actually been a terrorist attack in the city. I want to visit the NYC in nice romantic comedy movies--not the gritty, stinky, angry city that I saw when I last visited. Not the city with people peeing on the corner in front of me and pushing me out of the way so that I can't look in all the shop windows. Does the New York I want to visit even exist? Maybe I just visited the wrong part last time. Maybe someday I won't be so scared.

A friend in California just offered me her house if I want to come and visit. I guess it's probably always been offered but she's newly single now and so has a bunch more free time. Maybe next summer. She lives real close to the beach and has been spending tons of time there. I haven't been to a California beach since I was 13. I haven't been to many warm beaches, come to think of it. I was in Ft. Meyers in Florida in 1997 and in the Mediterranean in 1998 but I think that's the extent of my lifelong beachgoing. The beaches here in Washington are beautiful and so full of life but really too cold to do much laying out or swimming except on a really really hot day, which is pretty rare along our coast.

I guess I'm just feeling the travel bug. It probably goes along with all this dis-satisfaction I'm feeling right now. Yesterday I spent most of the day looking for jobs. I filled out a bunch of applications and then at night I woke up and couldn't sleep, panicking about putting Suzie in day care for 10 hours a day. There's just no way I could do that. John had a good suggestion for me this morning though. He thought he could drop her off around 8:30 in the morning, then I could go to her on my lunch break and spend 45 minutes with her and then he could meet with her immediately after and spend his lunch with her so she's get an hour and a half block of family time during the day, then I'd pick her up at 5:30. So that's still around 7 hours of care a day and I'm still not sure I'm ok with that but it's definitely much better then 10 hours of care which I've decided is completely unacceptable.

A perfect situation though would be for me to find a part time job say from 2-7 in the afternoons. She's hang with me at home in the mornings, go to day care from 1:30 to 5 and then John could get off work and pick her up. Now I just need to put some energy into making that happen. I don't want to go back to work in some same old office. I just don't know what I DO want. I need to spend sometime meditating and thinking on this.

Whenever I do those "finding your calling" exercises I always come back to cooking/running a B&B, catering...I know there's something there but I haven't gotten past "finding my calling" into "making money at my calling." I really don't need another book telling me what I already know. I need a book that will tell me how to get past my fear and indecision and start making some cash doing what I love. Is that so much to ask?

I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna get a life.

2006-01-30T12:39:00.000-08:00

Or at least make the life I have one that I'm ecstatic about. Starting today. Working out is tantamount, finding a part or possibly even full time job is a close second. I'm not happy doing this stay-at-home thing. It's not that I want to give up my time with Suzie but I need to find a balance. You know that quote "if you want to get a project done give it to a busy person."? Well I feel like I'm the opposite of that lately. I feel like I have so little going on that I'm close to incapable of getting it together to get anything done--and that's got to change. So my first baby step is going to be daily work-outs and daily journaling. I know, I know, I've said it all before and I hope I don't fail and end up back here, saying it again a month or two down the road; but today, in the here and now, I mean to stick to it. So bear with me if that means some pretty boring blog entries for the short (or possibly long) term--I'm diving in without my waterwings and it may get a little messy.

I ran into an old friend on Friday. It was pretty awkward as things didn't end well between us. We'd been best friends our freshman year of college and remained on and off close friends through much of our early 20s. We were both young and selfish though and did some pretty tacky things to each other. At this point I've pretty much blocked most of it but if there's one thing that I do remember it's that this woman has the memory of an elephant. She could probably list every terrible thing I did to her, the date of the occurrence, and what color my nails were painted at the time as well. The things she did to me were...I don't know...Sneakier, smarter, cleverer, and more underhanded, but kind of impossible to pinpoint. It was more just in the way she treated me, the things she expected from me, the ways that she manipulated me. She's a genius. And has Borderline Personality Disorder. She's very, very, very smart. And scary.

Anyway, I've been afraid of running into her for a number of years now. I knew that she was back, living in my smallish town again, and I knew where she worked so I avoided it like the plague--which sucked as it's a great place to work out and take children for fun family time--well this last Friday I arrived at another fun place in our town to take children for a playgroup and she was working the desk. My first instinct was to turn and run out of there, but I could hardly stand up the playgroup and besides, if I did that I could never look her in the eye again. We made eyecontact and smiled and had some polite chit-chat and then she came over to play with Suz and I for a few minutes while she had a break. So it went fine. She didn't threaten me with bodily harm or to destroy my status in the community (well, not that I have one...) and she didn't bring up anything ugly.

I was pretty stunned and awkward and nervous but I guess that's just to be expected and I hope she didn't notice how hard I was working to keep my hands from shaking. She gave me her email address and I need to write her a short email I think about how nice it was to see her, blah blah blah. I do plan on returning to her place of work and want things to be as pleasant as possible. I started to feel like I always do in these situations though, thinking how nice and vivacious and fun she seems and thinking how maybe she's really changed this time, but then I need to remind myself how many times I've thought that about her and how often we've fallen right back into the same old patterns.

Except this time I really do believe that I've changed from what I was then. Is it at all possible that she has as well?

Ooops, Suzie's awake--gotta run.

Lazy, lazy Wednesday

2006-01-18T11:59:00.000-08:00

I didn't work out today. I told myself I had too much work to do and needed to make sure I got a shower in while Suzie's sleeping. Then I didn't do any work. I just sat on the computer and ate Mexican Chicken Casserole. Hmmm... You never know though, it seems the days I give up on getting any work done are the days I'm most productive. But, like I said, I'm real lazy today so I'm not counting on it.

So yeah, it seems like I've been so busy lately, but I have really nothing to report, not much has been going on. Suzie's just been really into nursing lately for long periods of time so I've been stuck browsing the internet for hours on end. When she's not nursing she's signing to me that she's hungry but rejecting everything I offer her. It's pretty frustrating. I'm also concerned that since she knows so few signs that she uses her primary ones (nursing and eating) just to communicate with me, not necessarily to have an actual need met. Maybe we just need to work on more signs.

We had a play date with Sarah and Rain on Monday. I was so happy with how it turned out--I think Suz does much better with kids a little bit older (Rain is 3) as opposed to other one year olds. The young kids just seem bowled over (literally and figuratively) by her exuberance and an older child seemed much more able, physically and emotionally, to tolerate her. Most importantly, for me anyway, it was just soooo nice to have a conversation with a person who I feel really gets it. I mean, we're not twins or anything but I think we tend to share a lot of similarities in our lives and parenting. I just wish we didn't live so far away from each other--it's a nearly 2 hour drive and that's just so far, especially considering that she'll have a newborn in a month and a half or so.